Brain Dump... Haha he said "dump"

Ironman Challenge

2010-05-04T19:05:00.019-04:00

So I got the following email from the folks at the YMCA (the gym where I work out):

Wang YMCA is offering another exciting fitness challenge for all fitness enthusiasts! During the month of May, participants of Fitlinxx Ironman Challenge will have a whole month to complete the ironman triathlon distance: swim 2.4 miles, run 26.2 miles and bike 112 miles. All scores and results will have to be recorded using Fitlinxx exercise tracking software (if you do not have a Fitlinxx account: set-up and quick tutorial will be quick and easy). Please review attached document for official rules and regulations.

I would like to personally invite you to join this fun and exciting challenge!

Since I've been looking for a new challenge and something to get motivated about, I've decided to try to do this. I'll be keeping track of my progress on this blog so if you're interested in how I do, check back daily/weekly as I will enter my stats after each workout.

May 1: Ran 2.25 miles, biked 8.66 miles, did not swim due to swim lessons at the YMCA.
May 2: Off day. Hungover from wedding and had softball game. Didn't make it to gym.
May 3: Ran 2.30 miles, biked 6.25 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 4: Ran 2.00 miles, biked 10.50 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 5: Ran 1.80 miles, biked 6.30 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 6: Full body weight lifting, swam 200 meters.
May 7: Ran 2.70 miles, biked 7.30 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 8: Ran 3.50 miles, biked 10.00 miles.
May 9: Off day, softball game.
May 10: Swam 400 meters, softball game.
May 11: Ran 6.50 miles, biked 10.00 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 12: Ran 1.35 miles, biked 6.00 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 13: Full body weight lifting, no cardio
May 14: Ran 1.10 miles, biked 6.10 miles
May 15: Off day, helped move furniture, attended 2 graduation parties
May 16: Off day, softball
May 17: Swam 600 meters.
May 18: Flu (damn!)
May 19: Flu (damn!)
May 20: Ran 2.75 miles, biked 6.05 miles
May 21: Biked 16.15 miles
May 22: Swam 400 meters
May 23: Biked 16.80 miles, swam 200 meters.
May 24: Off day, softball game
May 25: Off day, beach and bbq
May 26: Biked 3.25 miles, swam 400 meters.
May 27: Off day, lazy.
May 28: Swam 400 meters.
May 29: Off day, lazy, went to beach.
May 30: Off day, lazy and went to Sox game.

Total distance completed so far: about 26.2 miles run (marathon completed!), about 113 miles bike (biking completed!), 3800 meters swim

FYI, I posted a poll on the right. Please vote, thanks.

Men/Women Translations

2009-10-16T15:06:00.004-04:00

I saw this on Chad Ochocinco's twitter account and had to post it. So true...

Click on image to enlarge!

By the way, I think I have the swine flu. I feel like I'm going to die.

Limping into the playoffs...

2009-10-01T11:32:00.002-04:00

The Red Sox are going strong heading into the playoffs. We've only lost 6 consecutive games. Good job guys. Thankfully, the Rangers sucked so much dick that we backdoored our way into the ALDS as a result of them losing. There's 4 games left in the season, so hopefully we can manage to lose 10 games in a row to end the season. Personally, I think that this is a great plan. It makes every other team think we're down and out and then BOOM! 3-game sweep of the Angels as usual. Francona is diabolical I tell you... DIABOLICAL!!!!

I hope we don't get swept...

Sometimes I crack myself up

2009-09-28T15:14:00.002-04:00

Snippet of a chat I had with a friend a few minutes ago:

2:53 PM Friend: i just found out (college name redacted) owes me $350

me: for what

Friend: the (state name redacted) treasury collected it

i have no idea why

2:54 PM some kinda refund

back in 2004

don't even know whether it had to do with grad school or something

it would've been awesome if they said that i had $100k waiting for me

7 minutes

3:02 PM me: yeah ok

3:03 PM it was probably the "guaranteed to get laid in college" $350 down payment that u submitted prior to freshman year

Friend: hahahaha

me: typically they don't have to refund people, but your's was a special case

7 minutes

3:10 PM Friend: yea... FML

haha

3:11 PM what i should do is

take that $350

and buy myself a lay

haha

3:12 PM me: lol

This is my life...

I'm in the mood for an espresso...

2009-09-25T09:50:00.003-04:00

Source: Foxnews.com

Five bikini-clad baristas in Everett, Wash., face prostitution charges after police said that they served up more than just hot coffee at an espresso stand, Q13FOX.com reported.

Later in the article...

"For extra money these women would expose their entire body. If they were wearing a bikini they would either take it off or at least lower it. There were some allegations... Complaints from our citizens that they were performing whip cream shows between two women," Everett Police Sergeant Robert Goetz told Q13 FOX News.

But Bill Wheeler, the owner of the Grab-N-Go, is defending his business — explaining that the women who work at the espresso stand each sign agreements guaranteeing that they will not behave inappropriately.

Last time I checked, showing your tits and pussy, while also doing whip cream shows, was not considered "prostitution". What kind of laws do they have in Everett, Washington? I was expecting to read an article about these baristas giving road head and shit. Boy was I disappointed...

But at the same time, this is one of the best business ideas I've ever heard of. You have hot chicks in bikinis serving you espresso. I don't even drink espresso, but let me tell you something. If I lived in Everett, Washington I would be drinking espresso 5 fuckin times a day, MINIMUM.

Now the real question is, when they fuck are they gonna expand this business to the East Coast? I mean, if Sonic was able to move to Massachusetts, I'm pretty sure "Grab-N-Go" can do the same. Hey Bill Wheeler, hurry the fuck up!

Everybody get ready to fuck!!!!

2009-09-24T09:04:00.001-04:00

Source: CNN.com

In what is being called the world's largest HIV vaccine trial ever, researchers found that people who received a series of inoculations of a prime vaccine and booster vaccine were 31 percent less likely to get HIV, compared with those on a placebo.

Later in the article...

The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.

Apparently, researchers are getting closer to developing a vaccine to prevent HIV. Now this is what science is supposed to be used for! Now I hope they hurry the F up because I don't want to bang some gross chick, get infected with HIV, then find out the next day that they just developed a vaccine that would've prevented me from pulling a Magic Johnson. Speaking of which, does anyone find it funny that his name was "Magic Johnson"? No wonder why he scored so many chicks. They probably wanted to find out how magical his Johnson really was. Anyway, I'll keep ya'll posted on how this vaccine development progresses.

By the way, I love how they tested this in Thailand for two reasons:

It's the STD capital of the world
Why infect Americans when we can infect non-Americans?

Last note: I've been slacking on blogging lately because I'm starting to get burnt out trying to post every single day. My material was starting to get watered down and pretty weak, so I'm just going to blog whenever I see fit from now on, but I'm gonna bring that FIYAH for you. I'll be blogging at least once a week though, so check back regularly.

25 down, 8 more to go...

2009-09-19T08:18:00.000-04:00

Take off the gloves! Take off the gloves!

The Sox beat the Orioles last night by a score of 3-1. Buchholz started for the Sox, and even though he wasn't as dominant as his previous few starts, he still held the lowly Orioles to 1 run over 6 innings. The bullpen took over from there. Coming into the night, the magic number was 11 to clinch a playoff berth. With the Sox win and the Texas loss, the magic number is down to 9. So for any of you who don't know what the magic number means, it means that any combination of Red Sox wins and Texas losses (totaling 9) will get the Red Sox in the playoffs. Giddy up.

By the way, tonight is the Mayweather-Marquez fight. I am a huge Mayweather fan and he looked ridiculous in yesterday's weigh-in. Marquez better be ready because Money May looks sharp!

More bulletin board material for the Patriots...

2009-09-17T13:54:00.004-04:00

I don't get it. Every team is afraid of the Patriots, they try to model their franchises after us, and then their players continually provide us with bulletin board material as if we weren't motivated enough to begin with. Here's Kerry Rhodes today:

"You go out from the first quarter on, from the first play on, and try to embarrass them. Not just go out there and try to win, try to embarrass them. Try to make them feel bad when they leave here. We don't want to just beat them. We want to send a message to them, 'We're not backing down from you and we expect to win this game, and it's not going to be luck, it's not going to be a mistake.' "

It's not even that bad of a quote, but why even say it? That's the problem with teams that are coached poorly. They are allowed to shoot their mouths off and then have to stick their foots in there once they get humiliated.

Patriots by 2 touchdowns this Sunday...

24 down, 9 more to go...

2009-09-17T07:29:00.001-04:00

Kourtney Kardashian is the hottest in her family... by far

Somehow the Red Sox pulled it out last night. I don't even know what to say about the game. We had Paul Byrd pitching, his first 5 outs were loud outs (deep fly balls and hard line drives), we were down 3-0 in the 6th again Joe Saunders who had won 4 in a row, the Angels needed this win badly, yet somehow we pulled this one out of our asses. After exploding for 5 runs in the 6th to take a 5-3 lead, we promptly gave it right back (and then some) by allowing the Angels to score 4 unearned runs in the 7th due to a horrible Varitek passed ball on strike 3 of what would've been the 3rd out. We then managed to tie the game with 2 clutch runs in the bottom of the 8th, only to give the lead right back when the Angels connected for three consecutive 2-out hits in the 9th to go back up 8-7.

In the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs and nobody on base, the rally began. Ortiz walked, JD Drew somehow got jammed on a 3-1 pitch that he KNEW was going to be a fastball but still managed to squeeze out an infield hit, Jed Lowrie pinch hit and ripped one down the third base line that Chone Figgins miraculously blocked by couldn't do anything with (bases now loaded), and then Nick Green had an epic at bat where he took a pitch RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE on a full count and somehow it was called a ball (TIE GAME!). Up next was Alex Gonzalez who then blooped a ball to left field that Juan Rivera possibly could've caught, but he pulled up on. GAME OVER. I'm not gonna lie. It looked like Juan Rivera just wanted to go home (or go to Centerfold's or something) because he really made no effort to catch that ball.

Angels closer Brian Fuentes claimed that the umpires were too "timid" or "scared" to make any tough calls at Fenway against the Red Sox (read: Nick Green at-bat) and I think he's right. But let me tell you something Brian Fuentes. That's why they call it Home Field Advantage. This type of biased umpiring has been happening for years in every sport. It's because of the human element of officiating. Deal with it.

Side note: I want to do bad things to Kourtney Kardashian. I'm talking about a situation with whipped cream, handcuffs, jello, midgets, baby gorillas, etc.

Kanye West quote has gone viral!

2009-09-16T12:44:00.003-04:00

If you haven't noticed, there has been a huge stink about Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV VMA awards on Sunday night. Here is the clip:

What an asshole. I mean, I gotta admit that it was funny, but it might be the biggest A-Hole move I've ever seen. Even worse than Person A selling his friend Sox tix for 4 times face value...

Well anyway, there is a new website dedicated to using his quote to adapt it to tons of different things. The picture I used is just one of many hilarious adaptations of Kanye's infamous quote.

Enjoy the site here: I'mma Let You Finish

23 down, 10 more to go...

2009-09-16T08:15:00.002-04:00

I'm desperate to make Eva Longoria my housewife...

So the Dice man was lights out last night. Like I said in the previous post, all logic indicated that he'd be terrible, but all logic also said that the Patriots would destroy the Bills. Whatever. I don't care whether it is logical or illogical as long as we win. Ten more wins and we should be in. Let's go!

Dice-K is back!

2009-09-15T15:22:00.003-04:00

Alright, it looks like Dice-K is making his return tonight against the Angels, one of the best offensive teams in the league this year. All logic would point to him giving up at least 5 runs, walking at least 4 guys and throwing 356 pitches in 4 innings. Let's see how this plays out...

Well that sucked...

2009-09-14T10:39:00.002-04:00

What was supposed to be a great, epic weekend for me turned into a horrible failure. As you know, I went to New York to attend the US Open Super Saturday (both men's semifinal matches). It started off nice, as Frank and I managed to get from Boston to New York in just over 3 hours on Thursday. I was driving around 90mph the entire way and we didn't really hit any traffic so that was a good start. Got to NYC, had a great time there food-wise and social scene-wise, but mother nature decided to F me in the ass by raining out all of Friday's matches. That meant that Super Saturday turned into Super Sunday, which normally wouldn't be that bad, except for the fact that I had my softball playoffs Sunday morning that I had to be back for.

This happened while I was driving home.

So Saturday night, I sped home in 3 hours and made it back in time to attend Big Wil's bday bash at Wonderbar. Had a great time there (not as good as Balco apparently) and made it home in one piece. Yesterday, we had our softball playoffs and started off well by avenging our loss to Hung Lo last year which meant we'd be playing in the championship game for the 3rd year in a row. We won in 2007 and lost last year. The game was back and forth and in the end, we lost on a walkoff hit. Completely demoralizing but what can you do? What's done is done and there's always next year, but it still sucked. 2 Ls in the last 2 championship games were the difference between "great team" and "dynasty". Oh well, the quest for next year's championship begins today.

As for tennis, I missed being able to watch Nadal-Del Potro live, but that match wasn't that exciting as Del Potro won 6-2, 6-2, 6-2. However, the Federer-Djokovic match was really exciting and Federer hit a shot he deemed "the best shot of his career" which was a between the legs cross-court winner while running backwards after a Djokovic lob. Amazing. So let's recap: I missed out on watching the US Open live at Arthur Ashe Stadium and lost a championship game on a walkoff. I guess the correct term here is "F My Life"?

22 down, 11 more to go...

2009-09-13T23:21:00.000-04:00

The Bella twins. Things always come better in 2's

The Red Sox swept the Rays today, effectively ending the Rays' season. I think the Rays have lost 11 in a row or something like that. This is a far cry from last season where they stormed to the AL East crown and made it all the way to the World Series. Can you say aberration? Well, in light of the twin killing today, we bring you twins!

20 down, 13 more to go...

2009-09-13T17:59:00.002-04:00

Sox won another one over Tampa Bay last night. It was a 9-1 laugher as the game got called in the 6th due to rain and due to the Rays getting their butts whipped. But that's neither here nor there right now. It's football time baby!

Football is here! Check out BigTroph.com

2009-09-10T08:54:00.004-04:00

It's not Monday night, but I am ready for some football!

With the football season about to kickoff tonight, I think it's fitting to talk about fantasy football, since for some people it is actually more important than the games themselves. I am not one of those people, but hey, I aim to please all of my readers. I technically have 3 fantasy football teams this year, but I'm only counting it as 1 since I missed 2 of the drafts which resulted in the computer auto-drafting those teams. And everyone knows how that shit ends up (2 tight ends, picking a defense in the 5th round, picking a kicker anytime before the last round, and so on and so forth). I fuckin hate auto drafts. Well anyway, aside from the pure joy of beating your opponent each week in fantasy football, the next best thing is to gloat, brag and taunt everyone in the league before, during and after an ass-kicking.

There are a number of ways to do this. Here are some examples of what I am doing this year:

My team name is PeteSpelmanIsGay.com, named after my friend who talked shit about my attempts to promote my buddy's website.
Yahoo! Sports offers the ability to use "smack talk" which gives you 150 characters to say whatever you want underneath your team name. Below you will find a screen shot of my team. Click on the image to enlarge.

My opponent loves Pearl Jam. His team name is "Team Vedder"

I'm sure you all are wondering where the hell I got that sweet ass OJ Simpson logo. Well wonder no more. Anyone who plays fantasy sports (football, basketball, baseball, even hockey) will enjoy this website. It's called BigTroph.com. I play fantasy sports and a lot of times when I'm talking shit to the rest of the league, I like to accentuate my point by having a cool image, or logo, to flaunt in peoples' faces. Now back in the day, I used to have to photoshop this shit by myself, which was kind of a pain in the ass. Well, I don't have to do it anymore because this site offers free fantasy sports logos and I think that the selection is pretty solid. Here are some other cool logos they have on their site:

Brett Favre, he's probably a virgin too

Shocker baseball, I used this on my fantasy baseball squads.

The always famous "ass trumpet"

This is just a taste of some of the stuff they got on this site. So if you're looking for something to differentiate yourself from all the other bastards in your fantasy leagues this year, come check out this site.

They also just released a new fantasy team name generator. This is for all you tools who can't think of something witty, or are just horribly unoriginal. Essentially, it just randomly selects an adjective and a noun. It's not perfect, but it works. The best team name I got so far was "Deeply Bananas". Sounds like a porn film. For the record, I have never watched porn in my entire life (sarcasm alert).

You might be thinking "why the fuck does this blog entry sound like a fuckin advertisement for BigTroph.com?" Well, the simple answer is because it is. My buddy created the site, I think it's fuckin cool, and I want my readers to enjoy the fruits of his labor while also being able to shit on everyone else in their fantasy leagues. Personally I think it's a win-win for everybody.

Now go to the fuckin website and thank me later.

19 down, 14 more to go...

2009-09-10T06:50:00.003-04:00

Vida Guerra's ass isn't even that good... That was a joke.

The Sox swept the lowly Orioles in a mini 2 game series last night with a 7-5 victory. We have an off day today followed by a 6 game homestand versus the Rays and the Angels, respectively. A week ago, the series against the Rays would've meant something for the Rays, but at this point, their chances of making the playoffs are pretty slim. However, we still need to fuckin win this shit since the Rangers won't go away. And we need to make a statement against the Angels as well, since we will most likely play them in the first round of the playoffs if we are able to secure the Wild Card spot. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. Last night's hero was Victor Martinez, who hit a clutch 3 run double to break a 4-4 tie in the 7th inning. Damn Latinos are so good at baseball. So I reward those with Latino love to enjoy my chick of the day, the booty-ful miss Vida Guerra.

18 down, 15 more to go...

2009-09-09T17:33:00.002-04:00

Simona Halep "had" huge jugs

Sox destroyed the Orioles last night 10-0. No big deal, it's the fuckin Orioles, nothing to get excited about. I'm more excited about the US Open right now. Keeping with the tennis trend, here is Simona Halep (featured previously on this space) and her gigantic twins, which have since been reduced to the disgust of all of the men in the entire world.

The US Open is the shit!

2009-09-08T11:13:00.000-04:00

There's always next year Rod-Dick...

If you aren't watching the US Open tennis tournament, you are clearly missing out. This has been a ridiculously exciting tournament so far, with tons of upsets on the women's side, some surprises on the men's side, and an unbelievable crowd in Flushing Meadows.

Here are my thoughts so far:

On the women's draw, we've already seen the #1 player (Dinara Safina) eliminated in the 3rd round. In the 4th round, Venus Williams got bounced by Kim Clijsters who has been playing extremely well since taking 2 years off to semi-retire after having a daughter and also losing her father. Serena Williams looks as dominant as ever as she hasn't lost a set all tournament. But the biggest surprise yet is this 17 year old American chick by the name of Melanie Oudin. Considered an after thought at the beginning of the tournament, she went on to win her first round match easily, then took out #4 ranked Elena Dementieva of Russia in round 2 for the first major upset of the tournament. Still clearly an underdog, she then took out hottie Maria Sharapova in the 3rd round when no one thought she had a chance. Yesterday, she faced her third ranked Russian player in a row, Nadia Petrova, and beat her in 3 sets to move onto the quarterfinals.

Melanie Oudin, what a story so far...

Now listen, I'm not a huge fan of women's tennis, but this run is pretty damn captivating. Yeah, she might lose in the quarters but this run she is on is amazing. The fact that she's doing it during the US Open is what makes it so special because the crowd is really what is lifting her during every match. I've never seen such a homecourt advantage in tennis before, so if you aren't watching this chick, start watching tomorrow when she plays again.

On the men's side, most of the big guns are still alive except for mister Andy Roddick who lost to fellow American John Isner in the 3rd round. Wow, that was quite the upset. Roddick seemed to be gaining momentum, especially after taking Federer to the wire during the Wimbledon finals. Oh well, there's always next year. Isner promptly lost yesterday in the 4th round, meaning that no US men's player would reach the quarterfinals for the first time in tournament history. Nice job US men.

The top 4 seeds are still alive (Federer, Murray, Nadal, Djokovic) and it'd be shocking if all 4 didn't make the semifinals on Saturday since they've been so dominant in their matches so far. Did anyone see Djokovic's match last night? Well, he completely dominated Stepanek but the best part was after the match when he did John McEnroe impersonations and then challenged him to come down from the TV booth and play a few points with him. High comedy and it definitely won the crowd over.

Djokovic and McEnroe horsing around last night. Great moment.

One of the best matches of the tournament so far had to be when Taylor Dent from the US battled Ivan Navarro from Spain. The match went to a 5th set tiebreaker and Dent pulled it out 11-9 with the help of the crowd. This was another example of homecourt advantage as the US fans were going nuts the entire time, just giving Dent the will to win the match. What a great story it was because Dent had been sidelined for 2 years after undergoing multiple back surgeries and was genuinely just happy to be competing again. After he won his match, he took the chair umpires microphone and thanked the fans for helping him pull the match out. He then did a lap around the stadium slapping hands with everyone and signing autographs. It was a great moment.

Taylor Dent

Again, if you aren't watching this shit, you are missing out big time! And reminder: I'm going to Super Saturday (both men's semifinal matches) this weekend baby!

17 down, 16 more to go

2009-09-07T10:58:00.002-04:00

Random hot chick

Sox finally got a win in the series behind a strong pitching effort by Jon Lester. We need both him and Beckett to be on point if we're going to make the playoffs and succeed if we, in fact, do get there. Today we have Beckett pitching, which typically makes me feel good, but considering his performance lately, I'd feel lucky if we were able to split this series. I'd have more of an analysis of yesterday's game, but I'm way too hungover from a whole weekend of drinking so I don't really want to think about anything other than the picture of this hot chick.

16 down, 17 more to go

2009-09-04T08:25:00.002-04:00

Oh by the way, college football kicked off last night as well.

Well, we finally won a series down in Tampa Bay. That place has been hell for us the last few years. Clay Buchholz pitched well and the bullpen held down the fort as the Sox took the series with a 6-3 win. Bay, Youkilis and Victor Martinez continue to rake at the plate and hopefully our offense continues to produce runs nightly from here on out. Up next is another 4 game set versus the White Sox (this time it's in Chicago), and while we took 3 of 4 against the ChiSox last week at Fenway, I'd be happy if we go 2-2 against them in their ballpark.

Further proof that the National League is inferior

2009-09-03T06:32:00.000-04:00

This is the only thing good about the National League.

Ex-Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny pitched 8 scoreless innings for the Giants last night in their win over the Phillies. I'm sure people are wondering "why the hell couldn't he do that shit for the Red Sox?" Well the simple answer is because the National League sucks. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Why the hell do you think that National League pitchers are hesitant to move to the American League and why American League pitchers all salivate at the chance to pitch in the National League? It's not just that you get a free out in the National League (pitcher has to hit), but it's also because the teams are simply inferior to American League teams. Seriously, just do a search on Interleague play records and you'll see which league is better. Look at the results of the last 4367246327423 all star games and you'll see which league is better. The fact that John Smoltz and Brad Penny can combine for 14 shutout innings in their respective National League debuts this season just further proves it.

Did David Wright's head shrink?

2009-09-02T11:21:00.001-04:00

David Wright keeping his HEAD in the game...

Look at the new helmet David Wright wore last night. That thing is gi-normous! Reports indicate that this helmet will withstand pitches of up to 100mph hitting it, but does it withstand the ridicule and shame from the rest of the league, media, and fans? The fact that I'm blogging about it answers that question.

I wouldn't wear that helmet if you paid me. It looks like its 5 sizes too big.

Images courtesy of Yahoo! Sports.

15 down, 18 more to go

2009-09-01T22:58:00.003-04:00

The Red Sox FINALLY won in Tampa Bay and it wasn't easy. Staked to a 7-2 lead in the 8th, Okajima promptly came in and allowed 5 consecutive batters to reach, giving up 2 runs and leaving the bases loaded with no outs and only a 7-4 lead. Papelbon came in and shut down the side without giving up another run, then set down the Rays 1-2-3 in the 9th for the save. To be clear, this would have been an EPIC loss if we blew this game. It would've been so bad that I would've stopped the countdown to 95 games and probably quit blogging. That's how annoyed I was getting. This was a very important game because of, not only the wild card race, but because of the fact that we haven't won shit in Tampa Bay the last few years. I brought out the big guns tonight and decided to post a picture of Megan Fox so everybody better fuckin enjoy this.

Still my favorite tennis player

2009-09-01T08:54:00.002-04:00

17 years old when he won the French Open

The first round of the US Open began yesterday in Flushing Meadows, New York. For the next two weeks, these tennis players will be battling their asses off in an effort to become crowned champion. We all know who it will probably be. It most likely will be either Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, Novak Djokovic, or the man with the best name on tour: Andy Roddick (haha he said "rod" and "dick"). These are the top 5 ranked players in the world for a reason. It's because they're fuckin nasty. After that, there's a pretty big dropoff in talent.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering "who the fuck is that Chinese guy in the picture?" Well, that Chinese guy is Michael Chang, winner of the French Open in 1989 and also my favorite tennis player of all time. Note: he is not my favorite tennis player solely because he is Chinese, although that is a similarity that cannot be missed. He's my favorite tennis player because his game was very similar to the style I played in high school. In case you didn't know, I played tennis for one year at Stoneham High (senior year) and managed to land the #2 singles spot in the rotation. Just like Michael Chang, I was quick, not that powerful, focused, never gave up on a point no matter how badly the rally was going, and oh yeah, I was Chinese too.

From wikipedia.com regarding his famous 4th round match against Ivan Lendl:

Chang's most famous match took place at the 1989 French Open, which was Chang's only Grand Slam singles title. In the fourth round, he faced the World No. 1, reigning Australian Open champion, and three-time former French Open champion Ivan Lendl. Conventional wisdom made Lendl the heavy favorite to win the match against the 15th seeded and 17-year-old Chang.

Everything seemed to be going to form when Lendl comfortably took the first two sets 6–4, 6–4 and then broke Chang's serve in the opening game of the third set. But Chang broke back immediately and went on to claim the third set 6–3. Part way through the fourth set, Chang experienced a severe attack of leg cramps, and was on the verge of retiring from the match. Up 2-1 in the fifth set, Chang walked towards the chair umpire to concede the match, reaching the service line when he felt "an unbelievable conviction in my heart" to not give up, and subsequently made it his goal to finish the match win or lose. Fighting to stay in the match, Chang resorted to some novel tactics. For a period, he began taking all speed out of the match by playing "moon balls", and also began to go for more winners in order to shorten the points.

The success of these tactics caused Lendl, who was known to be one of the calmest players, to lose his rhythm. He began to swear at the umpire and the crowd, especially after losing a key point in the fifth set when Chang shocked him by delivering an under-arm serve. Chang later explained, "I was trying to break his concentration. I would do anything to stay out there." (That underhanded serve achieved cult status among amateurs and, at least in Chang's hometown area of Southern California, it was not unheard of to see juniors emulate the swing in desperation while trying to come back from behind in a match during the 1990s.)

Barely able to stand, and screaming with pain after many of his shots, Chang continued to battle on. Despite being on the verge of physical breakdown, he fought his way to a 5–3 lead in the fifth set with two match points on Lendl's serve. Aiming to break Lendl's concentration one more time, Chang stood well inside the baseline, almost at the T-line in the centre of the court while waiting to receive Lendl's serve (an almost suicidal position when facing an opponent's serve). The tactic worked as Lendl produced a double-fault to give Chang the victory, 4–6, 4–6, 6–3, 6–3, 6–3 in four hours and 37 minutes. Chang sank to his knees and broke down in tears at the conclusion of the match. Seven days later, he became the youngest male champion in Grand Slam history, a victory that inspired fellow American peers Pete Sampras, Jim Courier, and Andre Agassi to subsequently win Grand Slams.

Now I'm sure some of you are now wondering "well if he won the French Open, then why the hell are you posting a picture of him when the US Open just started?" Well, my friends, today is the 22nd anniversary of Michael Chang winning his first US Open match. Yup, this day 22 years ago, a 15 year old chink walked into Flushing Meadows and beat a guy by the name of Paul McNamee in 4 sets to become the youngest player ever to win a US Open match. I'm not sure if that record still stands, but regardless, it's still pretty damn impressive. Despite the odds, this guy managed to win a bunch of tennis matches based on heart and determination. That's the kind of guy we can all root for.

I can't wait to see this live.

So I guess my question is: who's going to win the US Open this year? Do you think it will be one of the top 5 players, someone else in the top 25, or a relative no name who will come out of nowhere to shock the world like Michael Chang? As always, poll on the right.

By the way: I'm going to Super Saturday baby! We're going to see both men's semifinal matches. I am pumped.

Tedy Bruschi is retiring today

2009-08-31T09:31:00.000-04:00

After 13 years, Tedy Bruschi has decided to hang it up. Good for him. It's refreshing to see someone know when their time is up and call it a day, unlike some asshole who keeps retiring and un-retiring over and over again (read: Brett Fav-rah). By the way, I drafted Brett Favre on my fantasy team for comedic purposes. I did this because I wanted to see what it would be like to have a player retire in the middle of a season. Oh wait, I basically already experienced that when I drafted Troy Percival (the closer for the Rays) for my fantasy baseball team and that sucked. Brett Favre, you're a d-bag but you do keep things interesting. I can't wait for you to retire and then un-retire in the offseason once again.

Anyway, back to the man of the day. Tedy Bruschi, thank you for being an integral part of the Patriots' 3 super bowl winning teams. Thank you for being a constant reminder that people who have suffered strokes can make it back. And thank you for being smart and getting out of the league while you can still walk and lead a normal life.

14 down, 19 more to go

2009-08-30T21:51:00.003-04:00

Raica Oliveira

The Red Sox completed a sweep of the Blue Jays today behind another pitching gem, this time by Paul Byrd who hasn't pitched in about a year. Once again, our offense was functioning on all cylinders and the pitching staff was lights out all game. Let's keep this going. Today's girl of the day is Raica Oliveira, one of Brazil's top models. I thought it was fitting since I went to eat at Cafe Brazil in Brighton tonight. By the way, there is a hot waitress who works there who barely speaks any English. I was so turned on.

13 down, 20 more to go

2009-08-29T22:40:00.003-04:00

The Sox won another 1 run game against the Blue Jays tonight, 3-2. Clay Buchholz pitched a gem, going 8 and 1/3 innings of 3 hit ball. He was only charged a run because Okajima came in and served up 2 hits to 2 lefties, which ruined the shutout. Fortunately, Papelbon had his A game and finished up the game. And because of this, we bring you Steve-O's chick pick of the night: Kate Beckinsale!

12 down, 21 more to go

2009-08-29T11:14:00.001-04:00

Alessandra Ambrosio

The Red Sox won the first of a 3 game set against Toronto last night. Good start to the series, but there are warning signs going off all over the place. Josh Beckett is clearly injured or something because he continues to get racked, allowing another 5 runs last night on a 3 run bomb and a 2 run homer. All of Toronto's runs came with 2 outs which is even more annoying. I think he'll bounce back but he looks horrible right now.

The Red Sox offense, however, continues to rake and come back from deficits which is a good sign since we had a two month period where our offense was nowhere to be found. Texas and Tampa Bay both lost, which adds another game to our wild card lead and Tampa Bay traded away Scott Kazmir to the Angels which should helps us even more. Speaking of Angels, how hot is Alessandra Ambrosio???

This is pretty cool

2009-08-28T08:38:00.002-04:00

R.I.P.Ted Kennedy

You know me. I'm not a Democrat and I'm not a Republican. I'm just an asshole trying to make life interesting for you idiots at work who have nothing better to do than read my blog. So this is not a political post.

Regardless of your political affiliation, you've got to respect this story. As told by my friend's Dad:

Hi (name redacted),

I would like to share my gratitude to Senator with friends.

I would really like to sign the guest book to pay respect to Senator
Edward Kennedy. I feel that I owe him for his touch twice in my past.

First occasion was in September 1978, when I returned from Europe with my mother and sisters, received note from (wife) that she had permission to leave China to come to US, she was heading to meet me in Hong Kong. Expecting a long wait to get entry permit from Hong Kong US Consulate, I asked (name redacted) to get a letter from Senator Kennedy to expedite the process.

Unfortunately, after arriving Hong Kong, I discovered I had left the letter in Boston. Immediately, I asked my future brother in law, (name redacted), to put the letter in express mail to Hong Kong. The letter produced instant visa approval from the Consulate. While we were waiting, we met, for the first time, the future Mrs. (name redacted).

Few years later, (wife) graduated from ESL class in Hanscom Air Force Base, Senator Kennedy was there to personally present her with diploma.

The rest is history.

(My friend's Dad)

This is pretty cool huh? And to top it off, my friend's name is Edward. He was named after Senator Kennedy specifically because of this event.

I have a Twitter account

2009-08-27T13:00:00.001-04:00

Okay, so for the past couple of weeks, I've been testing out Twitter just to see what it's all about. To me, it just seems like another outlet where I can tell people what I'm doing every 5 seconds. Well apparently, there's Twitter etiquette and some other bullshit where people "tweet", "retweet", send direct messages and all that other ridiculousness. I'm gonna give it a whirl, just to see how it goes. In a way, it's sort of like mini blogs of random thoughts I might have throughout the day that aren't necessarily worthy of a full blog entry.

Note: I did block it to random outsiders so if you want to follow me you have to have a twitter account.

http://twitter.com/andrewchanrules

To quote Benito Mussolini: If I advance, follow me! If I retreat, cut me down! If I die, avenge me!

I don't even know why I posted that quote. Basically, just fuckin follow me on Twitter and let's see what happens.

11 down, 22 more to go

2009-08-27T08:14:00.000-04:00

Adriana Lima, from Victoria's Secret fame

I usually post right after a Sox win, but I was actually at the game last night. What a solid night it was. First, it was Japan night for some reason so there were a ton of Japanese people there. Second, the moment of silence in respect for the passing of Ted Kennedy was eerily quiet in Fenway. You could've heard a pin drop in there. Third, Tim Wakefield came back from the DL and pitched a gem. Too bad Ramon Ramirez fucked his win one batter into his outing (giving up a homerun to, of all people, Scott Podsednik). And finally, it was a solid night because Big Papi sent us all home with a walkoff bomb off of Tony Pena.

In actually, it didn't send me home. It sent me straight to the bars for tons of beers and shots. I got home near 1am and had no motivation to post anything so here is your entry right here. I am sort of banged up right now. Speaking of banged up, I can't believe this bitch married Marko Jaric. That's more ridiculous than Jermaine Dupri scoring Janet Jackson.

Women are great at driving

2009-08-26T16:39:00.002-04:00

I just got home from work and on my way home, I noticed a bunch of Ambulances right outside of where I live. For most people, that means something bad probably happened. For me, not so much because I happen to live right next to New England Medical Center. So naturally I didn't think anything of it. That is, until I noticed a gigantic crowd of people surrounding a chick who was on the ground getting helped onto a stretcher. I then noticed a person in a SUV sobbing uncontrollably with her hands over her face. That, my friends, was the woman driver who decided to plow through the crosswalk when people were crossing and drill a pedestrian (read: chick on the ground).

The good thing for the victim was that A) she didn't seem to be injured that badly and B) the hospital was literally like 20 feet away so all they had to do was wheel her into the ER, which took about 20 seconds. The bad thing for the victim was that A) she just got hit by a fuckin car and might have a broken leg and B) I am blogging about it right now.

The good thing for the woman driver was that... well, there's really nothing good about it for her. She just hit a fuckin pedestrian in a crosswalk. What a dumb bitch. She was either late teens or early 20s, probably text messaging her boyfriend telling him how much she wanted to suck his dick or something stupid like that. The bad thing for the woman driver is that A) she's a woman driver and B) she's probably gonna get sued for this. Regardless, this chick is gonna be scarred for life. I hope she loses her license. Dumb broad. STOP crying and START paying attention.

Now I'm not saying that men don't suck at driving because a lot of guys are terrible. But most women just plain suck at driving. It's a fact. It's a statement in which I have no evidence to support, but that everyone will agree on. Oh wait, I have evidence. Look at the fuckin picture at the top of this post.

Message to woman drivers out there: Leave the driving to us men and we'll leave the cooking and cleaning to you. Thanks.

10 down, 23 more to go

2009-08-25T22:19:00.001-04:00

The one and only, Jessica Alba

The Red Sox made it 2 in a row tonight by coming back to beat the White Sox once again. We had a 2-1 lead going into the 7th and gave up the tying run on a strike out-passed ball, then another run on a line drive that clipped off of Lowell's glove for a 3-2 deficit. We came back in the bottom of the 7th to tie the game on a V-Mart clutch single to bring in Nick Green. Then we got out of a major 8th inning jam (1st and 3rd, no outs) which provided us with a jolt that translated into a Jason Bay homer and 2 more runs in the bottom of the 8th. Papelbon wrapped up the save. Exciting game.

Note: Jacoby Ellsbury set the Red Sox team stolen base record by stealing his 55th base of the season in the first inning tonight. Congratulations to him. I'd like to see him steal 70 bases this season.

What a fuckin disaster

2009-08-25T08:55:00.001-04:00

They better get this fixed.

Source - Yahoo! Sports: At the debut of the new Dallas Cowboys stadium last night, Tennessee Titans punter A.J. Trapasso kicked a ball that struck one of the gargantuan high-definition scoreboards that hang over the center of the field. Trapasso's punt sailed straight up and hit one of the two scoreboards that face the endzone. It deflected backward and was ruled in-play until Titans coach Jeff Fisher informed officials (who had been watching the players, not the ball) that the punt struck the scoreboard. By rule, the down was replayed.

This has got to be one of the dumbest decisions I've ever seen in my entire life. How do you not account for this? You mean to tell me that you spent $1.2 billion on this new stadium and failed to realize that punts MIGHT hit the jumbotron? The best thing about it is that Jerry Jones is blaming the punter:

When asked whether he thought the scoreboard should be raised higher, Jones snapped: "That's not the point. How high is high if somebody just wants to sit there and kick straight up? If you look at how you punt the football, unless you're trying to hit the scoreboard, you punt the ball to get downfield. You certainly want to get some hangtime, but you punt the ball to get downfield, and you sure don't punt the ball down the middle. You punt it off to the side."

Really? This is your explanation? According to the NFL's director of officiating:

the league will look into the problem this week. The concern is that a punter could intentionally try to hit the video screen in order to run out the clock at the end of a half. When a down is replayed, the clock doesn't reset.

Talk about a cluster fuck. I can't think of any other gigantic waste of money without proper forethought. Oh wait, yes I can!

There have only been 74,372,432 home runs hit here this year.

Yankee Stadium: The American League version of Coors Field!

I have to give credit to Jerry Jones though. At least he paid for his $1.2 billion debacle where as the Yankees decided to stiff all of the New York taxpayers by having them help pay for the stadium and then charging them over $2000 per seat.

Priceless!

9 down, 24 more to go

2009-08-24T22:55:00.001-04:00

Chicago's own Christina Santiago

The Sox managed to take the first game of their series against the White Sox tonight by the score of 12-8. The bats continue to be hot, for the most part, and it looks like this new lineup is starting to pay dividends. So far, we are 2-2 on this 10 game homestand and we're going to have to go on a winning streak to have any chance of getting into the playoffs since our road record is pretty piss poor. Anything less than 7-3 on this homestand and we're in bad shape. That is, unless Texas and Tampa Bay both decide to shit the bed, but I don't see that happening.

Lester tomorrow night, followed by the return of Wakefield on Wednesday (I'm going to the game), and Tazawa on Thursday. If we can put together a string of quality starts, I like our chances. One game at a time though...

Is this guy desperate or just stupid?

2009-08-24T08:50:00.002-04:00

Alright, here's the background story. This girl I know was really drunk one night (I think it was her birthday) at Wonderbar (or some other bar) and jokingly suggested to her guy friend that they make out, but it didn't happen. The next day, she didn't think anything of it since it was just drunken stupidness and she wasn't serious about it. Well apparently, the guy friend read a little more into it than he should've and proceeded to try and woo this girl every time they hung out from then on even though she is not interested in him and told him that she only suggested the make out session because she was completely hammered.

From then on, reports indicate that this guy friend would send the girl text messages while they were both at the bar saying something like "let's meet in the bathroom at 12:45" and so on and so forth. Girl refused. Guy friend kept offering to pick girl up whenever their group of friends was going out, as well as offer a ride home from the bar. The girl repeatedly refused but tried to laugh it off so that it wouldn't affect the friendship. Guy clearly didn't get the message. During one drunk night, guy friend decided to call the girl as he was driving home from the bar. She was already in bed trying to sleep. She made the mistake of picking up the phone. Once she picked up the phone, guy friend asked her out on a date. Girl said no multiple times, but guy friend kept nagging her, so girl agreed to go on the date with the clear warning that "this is not going to go anywhere".

Well when it came time for their "date", the girl dressed really casually and the guy got all dressed up and clean and shit. Apparently they went to dinner somewhere but I can't remember where. According to the girl, the date was really awkward because the guy was taking it seriously, whereas she went just to appease the guy. Reports indicate that the girl asked the guy what he was doing after dinner (since she assumed it was just a dinner date and nothing more) and he pulled the "we're going salsa dancing!" move on her, to which she absolutely rejected. It has also been discovered that he pulled the "let's go for a walk" move.

Let's be clear here. These two moves (salsa dancing, go for a walk) are spontaneous suggestions that sometimes can work if THE GIRL ACTUALLY IS INTERESTED IN YOU. When she isn't, they fail miserably. Lucky for my readers, we have the most recent online conversation between girl and guy. Please enjoy.

9:29 AM Guy: what's up for the weekend

Girl: philadelphia

Guy: nice

9:30 AM Girl: u

9:31 AM Guy: none yet

Girl: what

Guy: probably chill

Girl: u have no hot dates?

ridiculous

9:32 AM Guy: lol

i'm lazy

i could

9:33 AM Girl: puahahaha

who's ur target these days?

Guy: no target

9:34 AM Girl: ah icic

9:37 AM Guy: what about you

any hot dates

Girl: no

9:38 AM i'm traumatized

Guy: how come

9:40 AM Girl: dates are scary

9:54 AM Guy: you make them scary

just relax

have fun

59 minutes

10:54 AM Girl: ahahah

yeah

Guy: if a guy gives you a compliment...smile

10:55 AM body language is important

10:57 AM Girl: okay date guru

Guy: just trying to help

10:58 AM Girl: yeah i know

that date we went on was just a fail

11:00 AM Guy: ehh it was awkward for you

Girl: yeah

a lot.

Guy: i could tell

brb, meeting

45 minutes

11:46 AM Guy: so what was awkward about it

i was half joking half serious

wasnt sure which way to go

but you made it easy for me

11:49 AM Girl: wha?

half half of what?

Guy: i approached it half serious, half jokingly

our date

11:50 AM in other words, i was gonna play it by ear

Girl: haha

11:52 AM Guy: so how did u feel

we havent talked about it

11:53 AM Girl: hahaha

u want feedback

Guy: not exactly

i think i know u felt awkward

Girl: yeah

it was not fun

Guy: and u wanted the night to desperately end

Girl: yes

if we're being honest here

11:54 AM then hell yeah.

Guy: lol

hell date

Girl: yup

Guy: i have no regrets

11:55 AM Girl: good for you

Guy: i know

carpe diem

Girl: im sure there are plenty girls out there

11:56 AM who would love to go on a date with you

Guy: same for you

11:57 AM Girl: the girls do love me.

Guy: lol u know what i mean

11:59 AM we cool now though right

back to friends

Girl: haha

we were never friends

lol

yea we're fine

just don't smother me

12:00 PM Guy: i wont

it'll be like we never went on the date

12:01 PM Girl: haha

Some of my favorite lines from the girl:

In response to why she has no hot dates: i'm traumatized
Speaking about this attempt at a date: the date we went on was just a fail
Humorous sympathy: i'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who would love to go out on a date with you
Humorous sarcasm: we were never friends
Stiff warning: just don't smother me

Some of my favorite lines from the guy:

In response to why he has no hot dates: lol i'm lazy i could
Speaking about this attempt at a date: i approached it half serious, half jokingly. our date. in other words, i was gonna play it by ear
Dating advice: if a guy gives you a compliment...smile. body language is important
Admitting failure: i think i know u felt awkward, and u wanted the night to desperately end
False sense of pride: i have no regrets. carpe diem.
Cleaning up the mess: it'll be like we never went on the date

I don't even know where to go with one. I was thinking of doing a poll or just suggesting feedback or advice for this guy, but I can't make up my mind. So instead, I'm just posting this for enjoyment.

8 down, 25 more to go

2009-08-22T21:15:00.003-04:00

Christina Milian

After getting pounded last night 20-11 by the Yanks, the Sox countered today with a 14-1 smashing of Burnett and the Yanks behind a solid pitching job by Junichi Tazawa and some timely hitting. So far, there have been 46 runs in the first 2 games of this series. Don't expect many more tomorrow as it will be a battle of Cy Young contenders: Josh Beckett vs. CC Sabathia.

Sunday night baseball baby!

Happy Birthday Usain Bolt

2009-08-21T18:12:00.001-04:00

This guy is the fastest muthafucka ever. Yup, even faster than me!

100 meter world record

200 meter world record

7 down, 26 more to go

2009-08-20T21:51:00.002-04:00

Vanessa Hudgens, from High School Musical

The Sox completed a 3 game sweep of the Blue Jays tonight. Jon Lester got into early trouble (bases loaded, no outs) in the first inning, but managed to come out of it allowing only 1 run. That was the only run he allowed all game as he went 8 strong and the Red Sox ended up winning 8-1. So we got the Yankees coming into town for the weekend. We're playing well, but so aren't they. Best case scenario, we win 2 out of 3. I think worst case, we lose 2 out of 3. Regardless, the Yanks pretty much got the division but as you can see from this countdown, we're aiming for Wild Card anyway. Bring on the Yankees. And someone tell Vanessa Hudgens to send me some of her naked pics!!!

6 down, 27 more to go

2009-08-19T22:07:00.003-04:00

Hazel Mae, remember her???

Somehow Clay Buchholz out dueled Roy Halladay for a big win against Toronto tonight. David Ortiz and Jason Bay seem to have their power strokes back and Victor Martinez continues to be a solid pickup. We'll see if this lasts. In the meantime, enjoy the bitches!

By the way, the reason I chose Hazel Mae was because she used to be the hottest bitch on NESN until she left for the MLB network and because she also used to work for the Blue Jays before coming to Title Town.

5 down, 28 more to go

2009-08-18T22:37:00.004-04:00

Halle Berry: I would do her in so many ways...

So the Sox managed to win a game they were desperately trying to lose. You got Cy Young candidate Josh Beckett pitching, you stake him to leads of 4-0, 6-2, and 7-3 and he manages to blow it all and allow 7 runs. Then we score 3 runs off of a Toronto error, then almost give the game right back to them. Jonathan "I only throw pitches right down the middle or walk people" Papelbon is getting pretty pathetic at this point. Everyone knows you are only pitching not to get hurt so you can cash in when you became a free agent. We didn't even deserve to win this game. However, we did deserve to see a picture of Halle Berry. At least there's a silver lining here.

Mom gets 99 years for chopping off son's hog

2009-08-18T13:22:00.002-04:00

This bitch will chop your nuts off!

Here's a lesson to you crazy bitches out there. Don't get all drugged up and chop off someone's genitals or it's going to cost you 99 years in the slammer...

Nadal had claimed the family dog, a 6- to 7-pound dachshund named "Shorty" was responsible for mutilating her then-5-week-old son, Holden Gothia, as he slept in his parent's bedroom in March 2007 at their suburban Houston apartment.

But prosecutors said she was high on drugs when she mutilated her son with an unknown sharp instrument. Authorities say Nadal, who had prior drug arrests, tested positive for cocaine, methadone and Xanax after the attack.

Nice job lady. I hope someone takes a sharp instrument and carves you a second pussy while you're in jail.

Who would you rather shake hands with?

2009-08-17T18:01:00.001-04:00

My buddy Frank and I went to grab lunch before our team softball yesterday at Panera Bread in Quincy. Naturally, I had to drop a deuce after I ate so I headed for the bathroom. While I was in the stall, Frank came in and we had a small conversation while he took a leak at the urinal. During this time, another gentleman came in, managed to take a leak and then left the bathroom without washing his hands. Frank made note of that, and then our discussion centered on how gross that was, with me mentioning how that happens all the time at my office. I then proceeded to recall a time when I was taking a leak at the urinal at work, noticed some guy come out of the shitter, and then walk right out of the bathroom without washing his hands.

I then tried to analyze which offense is worse:

Taking a leak and leaving without washing your hands, OR
Taking a dump and leaving without washing your hands

I then figured I'd throw it up for a vote on this blog, with the question being...

Who would you rather shake hands with?

A guy who just took a leak without washing his hands
A guy who just took a dump without washing his hands

Please keep in mind that both are pretty horrible. At first, I thought I'd rather shake the hand of the guy who took a leak, but if you think about it, he's touching his hog then shaking your hand. On the flip side, the guy taking the dump typically isn't directly touching his ass since there's a barrier between his hand and his ass (toilet paper). However, there is always the chance that the shit could be so messy that some of the crap could get on the guy's hands, or he could just be disgusting and wipe with his hands, but we're gonna rule that out here. We'll just say that the guy who took a dump had a clean wipe with toilet paper. I'm torn as to who I'd rather shake hands with, so please vote and let me know which is better. As usual, poll on the top right of the page.

4 down, 29 more to go

2009-08-15T10:35:00.000-04:00

Brooke Burke, from Wild On! E fame

The Sox somehow found a way to win last night, getting a clutch game tying 2 run homer from David "dropped to 7th in the order" Ortiz and multiple clutch hits in a 6 run 9th inning (especially a huge 2-out hit from Victor Martinez who we should sign to an extension IMMEDIATELY). This was a huge win for us because:

it was against Texas who is fighting us in the Wild Card race
it was on the road and we suck on the road
we need to win every game Beckett and Lester pitch in order to get to the playoffs

Anyone see Clay Buchholz attempt to run the bases? That was the sorriest attempt at baserunning I've ever seen. A guy in a wheelchair had a better chance to score. Well anyway, that's 4 out of 5 for the Sox since I posted the playoff challenge. Let's see if we can keep up the pace.

I went to middle school with this asshole

2009-08-14T10:09:00.000-04:00

3 down, 30 more to go

2009-08-12T22:30:00.002-04:00

Mila Kunis, aka Meg from Family Guy and from That 70's Show

So that's 3 in a row for the Sox over the Tigers. Beckett continued his quest for the Cy Young this year by dominating the Tigers lineup tonight and saving the bullpen. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one though as we're going against another Cy Young candidate, Justin Verlander. Game time is at 1:35PM because we're traveling to Texas right after the game for a 3 game set.

2 down, 31 more to go

2009-08-11T23:40:00.004-04:00

Eva Mendes is fucking hot.

That's 2 in a row for the Sox. This game consisted of the Sox going down 3-0, Youk getting into a brawl after getting hit by a pitch, the team rallying as a result with Jay Bay hitting the game tying 3 run bomb and Lowell going homerun crazy. This is what I'm talking about baby!

We needed something to spark our team. I think this brawl may be the catalyst just like in 2004 when Pedro tossed Zimmer. Here we gooooooooooooooo.

Correction: I posted this drunk last night so I "misremembered" history. Thanks for the correction JM. Pedro did not toss Zimmer in 2004. It was in 2003 and we eventually lost that series to the Yankees. Still, it was significant in that it signaled that this team isn't fucking around anymore. We lost that edge recently and hopefully we just got it back.

Who's the Bigger A-Hole?

2009-08-11T15:19:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer: This is a horrible attempt at humor. You may be offended by this. Read at your own risk...

George Sodini, the anti-pussy magnet

In case you didn't know or weren't paying attention to the news, a guy walked into a LA Fitness gym the other week and killed a bunch of chicks, apparently because he had no luck with women. His name was George Sodini and here are excerpts of his blog, which basically chronicled his struggles with women and his plan to commit this massacre. Now, it's tough to argue that we could see this coming because there's no way we can tell how much traffic this blog was getting, but the writing is clearly on the wall if you read the blog posts. This guy was certifiably insane. Either that, or his luck with women is 100 times worse that Big Q's luck with his "lock of the day" picks. But the real question is whether he was just insane in general, or did he become insane because of the lack of pussy he was getting? Now that is up for debate.

Anyway, I need some participation on this one because this really brings up an interesting question: Who's the bigger A-Hole?

Is it George Sodini for committing mass murder since he couldn't get any pussy?

Or

Is it all of the women who didn't give him any pussy, therefore causing him to commit mass murder?

Please vote on the poll on the right hand column. I'm going to hell.

1 down, 32 more to go

2009-08-10T22:37:00.002-04:00

As promised, here is a hot chick to celebrate the Sox win:

Emmanuelle Chriqui, AKA Sloan from Entourage

So the Sox finally ended their 6 game slide tonight by beating the Tigers in game 1 of a 4 game set at Fenway. This was a big win for us, not only because it stopped the losing streak, but because we did it against Edwin Jackson who was one of the hottest pitchers in the game. I'm going to celebrate by jacking off to the picture I just posted.

Good night!

I hate it when I'm right

2009-08-10T09:40:00.000-04:00

So the Yankees completed a sweep of the Sox last night, just like I predicted. However, I didn't predict that we'd go a span of 31 innings (that's essentially 3.5 games) without scoring a run. I'd like to say that's a testament to Yankee pitching, but it really wasn't. Our offense was atrocious. We had plenty of opportunities to score but no one decided to do shit (3 for 38 with runners in scoring position). Yes there's cause for concern, but our offense will click eventually. We just need people to be healthy so we can have a consistent lineup where everyone knows their roles.

There's no need to worry about the Yankees anymore. The series is over and our chance at the division title is over. A-Rod continues to be "Mr. Regular Season" and I'm sure he'll revert back to "Miss October" when the time comes. Listen, getting swept wasn't a big surprise so if anyone is acting like it was, stop it. I already predicted it anyway. The Yankees were the hottest team in baseball coming in and we were in shambles. Or as the King of Horrible Quotes likes to put it:

“Listen, the Red Sox had our number,” Swisher said, “but we changed cell-phone providers.”

It's okay though. I mean, we can't get any worse, can we? Well, this home series vs. Detroit will tell a lot. If we can take 3 out of 4 then we'll be back on track. The way we've been playing lately makes it seem like 1 out of 4 will be an accomplishment, but whatever. I'm not backing down from my prediction. We're winning the wild card and heading back to the World Series. Stamped it.

Alright, so we have 52 games left and our current record is 62-48. As history has shown, 95 wins will get you into the playoffs, so we gotta go 33-19 the rest of the way. This means that we have to win 63% of our remaining games. Impossible? No. Hard to do? Yes.

Anything is possible.

We have 29 home games left (which means that we have 23 away games) and based on our current home winning percentage (67%), that means we should theoretically win roughly 20 games at home. That leaves us with 13 out of 23 road games that we'd have to win. Is it likely based on our current road winning percentage (46%)? Of course not. But is it feasible? Yes it is.

So in lieu of this challenge that the Red Sox have in front of them, I am bringing back the scene from the movie Major League with my own personal spin.

For every Red Sox win, I will post a picture of a hot chick. It's gonna start off with a hot chick who is fully clothed and the more wins we get, the more scandalous it will be. By the time we get to 33, it's gonna be completely ridiculous. I'm talking about hardcore porn with girls getting penetrated and things like that. Okay, I overexaggerated a little bit. I'm not trying to make this blog NSFW (not safe for work) so it will be kept as tasteful as possible.

I'm not posting nudity on the site itself (but keep in mind, there may be links to it if we get close to our goal). For the record, this isn't supposed to be degrading to women. It's a celebration of all future Red Sox victories and is aimed at the average reader of this site: horny, sports-loving males.

Let the party begin...

Can somebody please give John Smoltz some steroids?

2009-08-07T09:41:00.000-04:00

This isn't even funny anymore. Either go on 'roids and resurrect your career like Roger Clemens or retire already. Your ERA is almost as ridiculous as Chien-Ming Wang's. C'mon dude, I could pitch better. Allowing Melky Cabrera to hit an upper decker off of you is like getting beat in miniature golf by a 5 year old girl. The funny thing is, that actually happened to one of my friends hahaha.

The ship is sinking!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-06T10:04:00.000-04:00

We're taking on water!!!!

Wow, the Rays are absolutely dominating us at this point. It's not even fair. Apparently, we are 2-14 in our last 16 games at the Trop. Horrible. For those of you who think that we're going to walk over the Yankees since we're 8-0 against them this season, please come back to reality. There's no way we're sweeping them. We'd be lucky to even split the series. Hell, I'm predicting that we get swept in the Bronx.

But with that said, the ship is not fucking sinking. We'll be fine. There's like 50+ games left and we're only back 2.5 games right now. Granted, it might be 6.5 games by Monday, but I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm spoiled, but I don't see how the Red Sox miss the playoffs this year. The Rays have been average at best (except against us) and the Yankees will falter in the first round of the playoffs as usual. I predict we win the wild card, beat the Angels in the ALDS (as usual) and then take down the Tigers on the way to the World Series.

On a side note: the over/under on number of homeruns over the next 4 days at Yankee Stadium is 150.

I know what game I'm watching tonight...

2009-08-05T09:42:00.000-04:00

He was joking with Ryan Braun here. He won't be joking tonight.

Last night during the Dodgers/Brewers game, Manny Ramirez was hit by a pitch in the 7th inning of a 17-4 game (the Dodgers were leading 17-4). Naturally, the Dodgers decided to retaliate by hitting Prince Fielder with 2 outs in the 9th inning. Typically, that's par for the course. You hit my guy, I hit your guy, cooler heads prevail. Well apparently, that didn't happen last night as Prince Fielder essentially charged the Dodgers clubhouse after the game, but was restrained before actually getting in there to pound on Guillermo Mota (the pitcher who hit him).

From MSN.com: When the game ended, Fielder charged through the underground tunnels at Dodger Stadium to the door of the home clubhouse, shouting obscenities with many fellow Brewers trailing behind. Several security guards and teammates Bill Hall and Casey McGehee prevented Fielder from entering the locker room in search of Mota. "He ran over there, and they weren't going to let him in, and everybody came back," Milwaukee manager Ken Macha said. "I don't know if you can restrain Prince. I don't think I can. I don't think there's anybody else out there who can."

Fortunately, I have the MLB Extra Innings package so I will be watching this game tonight to see if someone gets decapitated.

2 U.S. journalists released from North Korea

2009-08-04T15:56:00.002-04:00

From MSN. com - North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has pardoned two jailed American journalists and ordered their release following an unannounced meeting with former President Bill Clinton, media reports said Tuesday.

It looks like the meeting of the "sex addicts" was productive today, as Bill "I did not have sexual relations" Clinton was able to convince Kim "Long Dong" Jong Il to release the 2 U.S. journalists that were being held captive by the North. The reason why I referred to them as sex addicts was because Bill Clinton had the Monica Lewinsky scandal and Kim Jong Il apparently loves porn. What a match made in heaven...

Update: We are now changing his nickname to Bill "I did not have sexual relations, but I did have foreign relations" Clinton. Thanks.

So far, so good

2009-08-03T10:19:00.000-04:00

I was pumped about this trade when it happened Friday but I was in Baltimore so I couldn't really blog about it. My recap of the trip to Baltimore will be posted later this week, so stay tuned for that. Anyway...

After acquiring Victor Martinez from the Indians on Friday before the trade deadline, he has only gone 6 for 11 with 2 runs and 5 RBIs in 2 games. I'm okay with that. A lot of people were hoping to get Roy Halladay or Adrian Gonzalez more than V-Mart and pretty much considered him an afterthought or a fall back trade option. I was in the "Victor Martinez is just as important, if not more important, than the other two guys" camp. So far, so good. Then again, it has only been two games.

But let's take a look at this from a more realistic perspective. Not only does V-Mart provide us with a huge offensive upgrade, but he provides it to us at a position that hasn't really produced shit for us for the past few years (read: V-Tek). Also, I love the fact that he can play both catcher and 1B so that just gives us that much more lineup flexibility. Based on his 162 game averages, V-Mart should be a 20 homer, 100 RBI guy for us. That is solid, especially if that production is coming from behind the plate.

On the defensive side, while it's true that Varitek is one of the best (if not THE best) signal callers in the game, it is clear that his time is coming to an end. I can't really speak to how well Victor Martinez's signal calling/game management skills are at this point, but he does boast a career .994 fielding percentage. Both V-Mart and V-Tek have thrown out a career 24% of would be base stealers, which I'm not sure is a very good percentage, but that stat is misleading anyway since it depends on your pitchers as well.

One other thing I'm really pumped about is the fact that V-Mart is from Venezuela and not the Dominican Republic (DR) because this means he only "possibly" has taken performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) versus being from the DR where it is almost guaranteed at this point.

In conclusion, I loved the trade when it happened, and I still love it now. However, it remains to be seen how this pans out. As far as V-Tek is concerned, he will always be the man and Red Sox Nation will forever be in debt for his service, but the clock is ticking and his time is almost up. I'm pretty sure he's aware of that. Victor Martinez, provided that we sign him to an extension, can provide us with 5 more years of solid production while Theo and his crew spends some time restocking the farm with catching prospects since that is clearly our biggest weakness. Solid trade.

Do we have to wear these jerseys the day Jerry X gets married?

2009-07-31T09:23:00.000-04:00

One of the guys on my softball team is getting married on Sunday. It just so happens that we also have a softball game on Sunday, right before the dinner reception. My question is this. Should we play and show up to the reception wearing this? See below.

Personally, I think it would be awesome. Here's the story behind the uniforms.

Have a nice weekend you punk muthafuckasssssss!

Breaking news! Manny and Ortiz did roids in 2003

2009-07-30T12:38:00.004-04:00

According to the New York Times, it appears that both Manny and Big Papi tested positive for PEDs in 2003. I probably shouldn't have titled this entry as "Breaking news" since no one is going to be surprised by this. At this point, it doesn't even faze me anymore. You could say that Jim Rice was taking roids in 1978 and I'd probably believe it. And if you're a Yankees fan, there's no point in laughing because everybody knows that there are Yankees on that list as well.

I don't get why they don't just release all of the names on that list now. I mean, what's the point of only releasing a name or two every few months? It prolongs the issue and makes baseball look even stupider.

Linda & Sean's wedding weekend recap

2009-07-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

Greg couldn't make it, so I edited him into the picture.

I attended my cousin Linda's wedding over the weekend. It wasn't as completely ridiculous as Jim & Teresa's wedding weekend, but there were a lot of fun moments. Here is what transpired...

Friday Night

I headed over to the church at 6:30pm for the wedding rehearsal because apparently I was in charge of doing the First Reading at the wedding ceremony. Let me make one thing clear. Out of all of the people in this entire world, at what point does someone think "hey, let's ask Andrew to do a reading at our wedding?" Well, it looks like we answered that question.

Anyway, we did a quick practice run of the readings, peoples' positions throughout the ceremony, and so on so forth, then got the heck outta there around 8pm. We all headed over to Linda & Sean's (the groom) place in West Roxbury for a post rehearsal dinner. They have a really nice place, 2 bed, 2 bath, washer/dryer in house and a nice 40 inch LCD TV with NO cable. Everything is great about the place except the lack of cable. Seriously, who doesn't have cable nowadays? That's like owning a cell phone that doesn't have text messaging. Regardless of whether or not you use it, you should have it.

So we chowed down on a bunch of food, had some drinks and met and caught up with family and friends. I called it an early night shortly after 11pm because I am the king of laziness lately (in case you didn't know). Or you can just call me a pussy, same thing.

Saturday morning/afternoon

I woke up really early (around 7am) and got my ass to the Watertown Boston Sports Club (BSC). I've been on a huge health kick lately so I've been eating right, working out regularly and getting as much sleep as possible. I ran 2 miles, did a full body workout, then headed over to get a haircut at this place in Waltham called Just Cutz. If you don't know me, I have really short hair. I like to get fades. Just Cutz is perfect for fades. Why is that you ask? Because there are black guys cutting my hair. Just how Asians are born with the ability to excel in math and science, black people are born to excel in sports and producing tight fades. It's just a way of life.

So after my haircut, I headed home, showered, got dressed and headed over to the church to help setup for the wedding. The good thing about where I live is that it's a 2 minute walk to the church (I didn't have to worry about being late). The bad thing about where I live is that it's a 2 minute walk to the church (people keep asking me why I don't go to church regularly). I met with the wedding photographer and showed her around for a little while so she could "strategize". I also wanted to make sure I was in good with her so she wouldn't take any ridiculous pictures of me at the wedding reception (that remains to be seen).

About 45 minutes before the wedding was supposed to begin, someone realized that the parking lot attendant hadn't shown up so none of the cars could get into the parking lot. This obviously posed a problem because it's almost impossible to find a parking spot in Chinatown, especially on a Saturday afternoon (our church has an arrangement with the parking lot to provide free parking for church related events). So there was literally a line of cars all jammed down one street waiting for an attendant to show up. Finally, about 20 minutes before the wedding, the guy showed up, but this was after we broke down the chain linked barrier and moved all the cars into the lot to begin with. Fortunately, the guy didn't care. We put it back anyway.

These were all of the cars trying to park. Just kidding.

As far as the wedding ceremony is concerned, it went off without a hitch. The wedding procession went smooth, all of the readings went smooth (even mine), and the whole thing was done in about 30 minutes or so. No faintings at this wedding. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Groomsmen, minus the Best Man and Godfather (Phil Chan)

After the wedding, everyone went downstairs to the lower church reception area for refreshments. There were egg rolls, shrimp cocktail, pastries, etc. A bunch of us sat around eating and talking and then we headed back to my place to relax before the dinner reception at 6pm. I got home and took a shower because I had swamp-ass (swamp-everything really) while everyone else watched TV and pregamed a little bit.

Linda and her lovely bridesmaids

Saturday evening

We arrived at the Back Bay Hilton shortly before 6pm and headed up to the cocktail hour right at 6pm. Typically, Asians aren't that punctual but when it's open bar all bets are off. I proceeded to consume a ridiculous amount of hors d'oeuvres (OR-DERVES) and alcohol until the actual dinner ceremony began a little after 7pm. The wedding party was introduced and came out to Drake's "Best I Ever Had" which is funny and creepy all at the same time since the song is about the best chick he's ever fucked. I'm not sure if my cousin Linda picked that song or if Sean did but, either way, I was trying not to think about it, HA.

Dinner was good. I had prime rib and a shitload of wine and hard liquor. Unlike our friend Doody from the previous wedding debacle, I successfully managed to cut my food and eat it as well! By the time the dance music started, I was pretty shitfaced so the rest of the story may have to be told by other attendees because I don't really remember shit. Apparently I blacked out shortly after chugging an entire glass of hennessy, puked on the parking lot ramp as we were leaving, and had to get carried up to my room and thrown into bed by my cousin Danny.

A drunk family is a friendly family.

As told by my roommate's girlfriend: "I came over shortly after you got home and noticed that you were passed out with half of your body on the bed and the other half dragging on the floor. I came into your room, asked if you needed help and tried to help you get your whole body into bed. You then told me to 'get the hell away' and told me to leave the room."

As told by my roommate himself: "I came into your room later and realized that you were struggling to get your shirt off. Apparently you didn't realize that you had to unbutton the sleeves to get your shirt off your arms so you were flipping out trying to get your shirt off. I had to calm you down and unbutton your shirt for you."

Naturally, I don't remember any of this happening. It happens...

However, I do remember waking up at like 7am and hearing some girl crying on the other side of the wall. I don't know if she just got punished or if something bad happened, but she was crying uncontrollably for what seemed like forever. Me, being the ever so patient gentleman that I am, then decided to bang on the wall and scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYING TO FUCKIN SLEEP! NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. STOP CRYING!" Somehow, this strategy actually worked as she either killed herself or stopped crying or left the room.

The rest of the day consisted of me going to cheer on my softball team, then sitting out by my teammate Danny's pool all day, swimming and grilling food. I wasn't even hungover!

Memorable moments as mentioned by other people since I obviously don't remember most of them:

My cousin Phil getting cut off from the bar after chugging a jack & coke right in front of the bartender, to which she replied with something like "no more for you. i have a responsibility to make sure you don't drink too much". No she doesn't. She has a responsibility to serve us our alcohol. She also has a responsibility to shut the F up. Phil was then permitted to resume drinking about an hour later. She was probably right because I am being told that Phil was passing out at the table shortly thereafter. Wait a minute, here's a picture of that.

My cousin Kim BYOB'd her own bottle of Jack Daniels which somehow was confiscated by one of the employees since it was a cash bar at the time. That's funny, but not really. I mean, they only paid thousands of dollars to hold the event there, the least you can do is not get your panties in a bunch over a 30 dollar bottle of alcohol. What a bitch. We spent like a half an hour trying to find the bottle. It was like an easter egg hunt. Unfortunately we couldn't find it and reports indicate that it was returned at the end of the night.

I am horrible at dancing. Please see the following video of everyone busting into Thriller. Well, everyone but me. You need to be logged into facebook to view it I believe.

Following this, as relayed by my cousin Kim...

Kim: after thriller, another MJ song came on and that groomsman was leading a dance so you go up and talk to him for a sec, and you start going in front of him to the right, and start dancing some dance so everyone on the dance floor is following the groomsman, and you're just dancing in your own world hahah

This is a picture of me and my Dad dancing. This is either the YMCA or we are both gay. I'm leaning towards the "we are both gay" answer.

All other memorable moments will be added as I obtain information from other wedding attendees. Thank you.

By the way, I'm leaving tonight for Baltimore for the Sox/O's series and I have ANOTHER wedding on Sunday night so I should be back with some fire early next week. There's a chance I might be able to post something tomorrow but not sure what my internet access is gonna look like. In any event, stay tuned...

Breaking news! Tanning beds cause cancer!

2009-07-29T08:38:00.001-04:00

In the most recent "no shit, we already knew that" study, it appears that cancer experts have now discovered that tanning beds increase your risk of cancer by 75 percent if you start using them regularly before the age of 30.

The new classification means tanning beds and other sources of ultraviolet radiation are definite causes of cancer, alongside tobacco, the hepatitis B virus and chimney sweeping, among others.

Also...

Previous studies found younger people who regularly use tanning beds are eight times more likely to get melanoma than people who have never used them. In the past, World Health Organization (WHO) warned people younger than 18 to stay away from tanning beds.

Source: MSN.com

Uhhh, did they really need to do this study? I thought everybody knew this already? Going to a tanning salon is like putting your body into an oven and cooking it. Seriously, they spend millions and millions of dollars on stupid ass studies that we already know the answer to or people don't care about. For example, they've been doing studies on which is worse, butter or margarine, for like the last 20 years. Who the hell cares?

They need to spend this research money on something more beneficial, like developing legitimate penis enlargement pills or something...

Amazing hole in one?

2009-07-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

Everyone is calling this an amazing hole in one. See video below:

To be honest, I don't see what's so amazing about it. It's more luck than anything. His ball HIT OFF ANOTHER BALL and then went in. I mean yeah, a hole in one is great, but there wasn't anything AMAZING about this. That would be like calling this an AMAZING homerun, see video below:

To be fair, I'd probably flip out if I hit a hole a one this way, but I'm also a horrible golfer and I get pumped anytime I hit anything on or near the green.

Today, I am the greatest of all time

2009-07-27T09:31:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Rickey Henderson and our beloved Jim Rice for being the newest members of the baseball Hall of Fame (HOF). As most of you know, Rickey Henderson holds the record for most stolen bases ever and was one of the greatest lead off hitters ever to play the game. But what was even more special about Rickey Henderson was what came out of his mouth. I aptly named the title of this blog entry after one of his famous quotes.

Jim Rice played his entire career with the Red Sox, was an 8 time all star, MVP of the league in 1978 (6 times he was in the top 5 in MVP voting), and was second in rookie of the year voting (to Boston's own Fred Lynn who actually won the rookie of the year and MVP award that year) in 1975. A lot of people say that his poor relationship with the media is the reason why it took so long for him to be voted into the HOF. That may be true, but his numbers are borderline for entry. Regardless, it's time to celebrate a great accomplishment.

FYI, tune into the Red Sox game tomorrow night as they are retiring Jim Rice's number (14) during a pre game ceremony.

By the way, sometime this week there will be a recap of my cousin Linda's wedding on Saturday. It was a debacle as usual, so I need some time to sort through pics, videos, and interview people for their take on what happened. I blacked out, HA.

Is this the best wedding entrance ever?

2009-07-24T09:16:00.004-04:00

Alright, my cousin Linda is getting married tomorrow and I happened to stumble across this video which is definitely fitting considering the circumstances. For the record, I set this post to occur before barstool had it on their site, so don't say I stole it from barstoolsports. We both stole it from SI Hot Clicks anyway...

I honestly don't think it's possible to have a better wedding entrance.

Speaking of marriage, it appears that Florida Gators star quarterback Tim Tebow is waiting for marriage to get it on because HE IS A VIRGIN. Not really that shocking, but sorta at the same time. I mean, seriously, how could he not have fucked any of the thousands of hot Florida chicks that have thrown themselves at him? He's either gay or actually a religious freak. All signs seem to indicate the latter.

Hopefully I will be back with some stories and some pictures next week. Till then, have a nice weekend you F..., M.. F..., C... S...s!

Yo quiero Taco Bell

2009-07-23T09:12:00.001-04:00

Today is a sad, sad day. Our beloved chihuahua, Gidget, has died at the age of 15.

I am immediately going to drown my sorrows with a 2 chalupa meal, followed by a rush to the bathroom to shit my brains out. Here's to you, Gidget, may you rest in peace...

LeBron video to be released on TMZ website

2009-07-22T15:29:00.001-04:00

According to TMZ, they will be releasing the highly anticipated video of LeBron James getting dunked on by some sophomore college player at 6:45PM today. This better be fuckin good. I mean, if he confiscated the tapes and it wasn't even that big of a facial, then LeBron is the biggest pussy ever.

Here is the link to the page.

By the way, if TMZ is doing this as a publicity stunt to generate traffic and they don't actually have the video, then that would be weaker than Simona Halep's bra...

Any reason to post this picture is good reason.

Update - From Deadspin.com comes this quote: And, according to one individual who saw the video, once it airs tonight and begins making its way around the web, smudged with the ugly TMZ watermark, it's going to, in this person's words, "make LeBron look even more of a bitch." Not because he gets posterized, but because how Lebron was actually "dunked on" was so surprisingly lame. All the tape shows is that LeBron was somewhat lazy about filling the lane before Xavier's Jordan Crawford authoritatively threw it down. That's it. And yet LeBron felt the need to sic his shoe company on the cameramen anyway.

Wow, if this is true he is the biggest cry baby in the entire world. What's even worse is the fact that I have a LeBron James shadow jersey (all black) that I have yet to wear and probably never will now. Thanks LeBron, you bitch.

Drunk People Yoga Positions

2009-07-22T10:42:00.002-04:00

I got this material from my friend Pooty T who found it on this site called Fun Tuna. Please check it out, there's some really interesting stuff on there.

I have been in the savasana and salambhasana poses before and I'm sure everyone else has as well. Anyone been in any of the other poses?

Yesterday was not very fun

2009-07-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

Wow, yesterday sucked. Not only did work drag on all day, but I managed to break my finger playing softball and was stuck in traffic on 93 north at 12:30AM because some fucking truck driver tried to go through the tunnel even though his truck exceeded the height limit, causing it to get stuck.

The Governator has spoken.

So I went to the doctor's office this morning, got the x-rays done which confirmed the broken finger, and now I'm on the DL for 6-8 weeks. This is fun.

In other news, it looks like Ben Roethlisberger was just accused of sexual assault. According to the report, it looks like the accuser filed a "civil" lawsuit against him and 8 other guys. I sense shenanigans here. Obviously this is a ploy to get money from him because if you really got assaulted, you usually file a "criminal" complaint. I'm only concerned about this because I want to see him on the "Shaq Vs." show that I was talking about yesterday. It's not like I actually care about his well being or anything. And if he actually is guilty, I guess that's the reason why they call him "Big Ben".

China has blocked Google. Stop keeping the people down!

The charge against Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. was just dropped. In case you aren't aware of what happened, apparently this guy is a black professor at Harvard who returned home to Cambridge from a trip to China to find that the front door to his home was jammed. He went around back and opened the back door then had his driver help him force open the front door. Apparently, people thought this was suspicious so they called the cops on him. The cops show up to investigate a "break-in" and arrest the guy for disorderly conduct after he gets pissed off for being interrogated in his own home even after presenting the officers with ID. Naturally, he claims it was a result of racial bias, which it probably was. Then he gets hauled off to jail for FOUR hours before getting released. This is eerily similar to the movie "Amos & Andrew" starring Samuel L. Jackson and Nicholas Cage, which just so happens to be one of my favorite movies.

It's a slow day today. How about that rain? Shit sucks. Speaking of rain, check out this prank call from the Howard Stern show:

That's all I have for now. Adios.

Who let the dogs out???

2009-07-20T09:37:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure all of you know, but Michael Vick was released from federal custody today after serving a 23 month sentence for beating and killing the shit out of dogs. If he gets reinstated by Commissioner Goodell, what are the odds that the Oakland Raiders sign him? 2-1? 3-1?

In other news, Tom Watson ruined his chance at being Golf's oldest major champion by duffing an 8 footer on 18 and then completely unraveling during the 4 hole playoff. It's okay Tom, at least there's always Viagra to lift you up.

If your erection lasts longer than 4 hours, please see a hooker.

Apparently, Shaq is now getting his own TV show. It's called "Shaq Vs." and he competes against other athletes in their own sports. This is awesome. He his going to get owned in every event but I'm sure it will make for good TV. I'm sure it'll be as entertaining as "The T.O. Show". Check out the T.O. Show trailer.

Let's hope the show is better than this movie.

As for my life, I have a wedding to attend this weekend and next weekend so be prepared for some pictures and hopefully some good stories.

Drama in work league soccer (continued)...

2009-07-17T08:53:00.001-04:00

To have some sense of what is going on, please review the original post about the drama in work league soccer. Here is an updated email string as to new happenings in this wonderful league:

From: Navy Blue Team Captain
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 4:26 PM
To: Injured Player
Subject: Are you OK?

Injured Player,

Are you OK? You left early in the second half due to an injury. How bad does it feel today?

Navy Blue Team Captain

From: Injured Player
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 4:30 PM
To: Navy Blue Team Captain
Subject: RE: Are you OK?

Hey Navy Blue Team Captain,

Yeah, not doing that great. My knee swelled up really badly right after that. I iced it all night and it was still really bad in the morning, so I went to the hospital for x rays and met with an orthopedic doctor. He says he thinks it is either a torn ACL or torn cartiledge based on all the swelling. I have an MRI late tonight to determine if their is in fact a tear or not. Looks like I will be out for the rest of the season. Thank you for checking in.

From: Navy Blue Team Captain
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 4:38 PM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league
Subject: FW: Are you OK?

Guys:

One of our players got injured pretty badly yesterday. See email below (just refer to the string above). We’ll have to be careful about the level of contact to prevent such incident in future games.

Navy Blue Team Captain

From: Navy Blue Team Captain
Sent: Wednesday, July 15, 2009 5:02 PM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league
Subject: RE: Are you OK?

I got more details from the injured player. He confirmed it was an accident and the other player was not at fault as he did not commit any foul. Our player was just trying to avoid running into him, which the other guy admitted to me yesterday. We’ll have to be more careful and hopefully avoid such accident.

From: Royal Blue Team Captain #1
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 8:45 AM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league
Subject: RE: Are you OK?

This is really something we should try to give more attention. Another issue is the language being used during the game. Between the few things that were said to me during last game

F…., M.. F…,C…S… the one that really made me mad was: Why don’t you learned English before you talk to me.

This should be a fun league and competitive to the minimum level.

Quick note: how many people immediately recognized that as being "Fuck, Motherfucker, Cock Sucker"? Moving on...

From: Royal Blue Team Captain #2
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 9:19 AM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league
Subject: RE: Are you OK?

This type of language and behavior should not be tolerated. We should review and change the league constitution to confront these situations.

We should consider invite anyone that behaves this way to join a different league and that they are not welcome to play with us.

Royal Blue Team Captain #1,

I feel sorry for what happened to Injured Player. I believe that our game was played fairly and they were no intention from both teams to injury any players.

We even agree at the end of the game that best result should have been a tie.

-Royal Blue Team Captain #2

From: Royal Blue Team Captain #3
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 9:45 AM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league
Subject: RE: Are you OK?

Hi All,

As we come into the final games of the season, please remind your teams of the league’s constitution. The captains agreed to this constitution prior to the start of the season and it is our responsibility to keep our teams within it.

Should you be faced with a situation where the play is getting “dangerous”, please keep in mind that the rules due contain a line about a captain’s agreement on a “sin bin”. Even if that means stopping the game for a time so that cooler heads can prevail.

Overall, I think teams are enjoying the experience with the league. Let’s keep that in focus as we finish the year and look forward to a 2^nd year in 2010.

All teams appear to have experienced the injury bug on Tuesday night. I hope all injured players are recovering and that none of the injuries are serious.

If you have any questions and/or additional concerns, please do not hesitate to contact myself or Royal Blue Team Captain #4. Good luck on the rest of the season!

Royal Blue Team Captain #3

Quick note: I'm assuming here that the "sin bin" is something like a penalty box in hockey.

From: Sissy
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:04 AM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league

Subject: RE: Are you OK?

Hi,

I agree with Royal Blue Captain #2,

There is no reason to tolerate such a behavior/language in this league now and we cannot just hope things will not happen. At this point everyone knows the constitution.

It’s time to react and I recommend that our captains vote and invite this person(?) to leave this league immediately.

Sissy

Quick note: YES!!! Sissy is back!

From: Black Team Captain
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:18 AM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league

Subject: RE: Are you OK?

I disagree with the notion to vote someone out of the league. To me, the consequences of the precedent that will set will spin out of control. We do not have a league commissioner to fine or suspend players and since we all have full time jobs outside of being (work league) soccer captains, I don’t think any of us should be put in the position to police the league in such a way.

I do, however, agree with Royal Blue Team Captain #3 that we should all remind our players of the constitution -- because how many of your team members have really read it? In addition to that, and more importantly, it is up to us to keep these games under control as they are occurring. Perhaps we could all put a little more effort into the refereeing of our games and utilizing the “sin bin” to re-teach our teammates that foul language and dirty play is not going to be tolerated in this soccer league. There is a lot we can do to fix this and kicking one individual out of the league will not solve this problem.

Black Team Captain

From: Sissy
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 12:21 PM
To: Rest of the Captains in the league

Subject: RE: Are you OK?

>>I do, however, agree with John that we should all remind our players of the constitution -- because how many of your team members have really read it?

Pardon me but

Does it mean that adult and professional players in this league may not know that they should not swear and a language like “learn English first….”

has a racist tone?

Sissy

From: Royal Blue Team Captain #3
Sent: Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:32 PM
To: Rest of the Captains in the League

Subject: RE: Are you OK?

On behalf of Royal Blue's office, I apologize for the previous comment.

Let’s table this discussion and move forward. The teams involved have closed this matter.

For (hopefully) the final time, best of luck in the coming weeks.

Alright, so there you have it. Based on this email string, I'm really surprised why they call soccer such a girl sport (sarcasm alert!). The amount of bitching in this league is downright laughable, annoying, yet strangely entertaining all at the same time.

FML of the week: Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

MLIA of the week: Yesterday, I set my clock 10 minutes ahead so I'd think it was later than it really was when I got up for work next morning, so I wouldn't be late. This morning, I woke up and I knew the clock was advanced. I was late for work. MLIA

Have a good weekend everybody!

This doesn't make sense

2009-07-16T08:40:00.000-04:00

This was cool but not deserved.

Here is the list of ESPY award winners from last night. For the most part, I agree with the awards but there is one award that is just screaming stupidity: Best Team - Los Angeles Lakers

I'm not writing this post to bash our rival Lakers for winning this award. The Celtics won the same award last year. I'm writing because I think it's stupid to give this award to a basketball team. Basketball is one of the most individual-driven sports out there. Case in point: The Cavs have managed to make it deep in the playoffs because of one guy, LeBron James. The rest of the team sucks and everybody knows it. Same thing with the Lakers. They have Kobe and Gasol and a bunch of scrubs. In basketball, if you have one or two dominant players, you can surround them with a bunch of average to below average guys and they will still be a successful team. Even the '95-'96 Bulls who went 72-10 and won the NBA championship should not be considered the "Best Team" because it was all Jordan and Pippen. And baseball is just an individual sport masquerading as a team sport.

So who do I suggest should win this award? Easy. It should be a football team or a hockey team every year. Why? Because these sports actually center on the "team" aspect. In football, you have to have 11 guys in sync in order to succeed. The O-line has to protect the quarterback or open holes for the running game and the skill players need to execute. On defense, you need to have your coverages in order or you will get burned every time. In hockey, you have to have 4-5 good lines of players to carry you throughout the game. I can't think of any hockey team who has won the Stanley Cup with just one good line. In basketball, you can have one guy go coast-to-coast every time down the floor and dominate the game. Not a true team sport.

If anyone can give me a reason why a basketball team should ever win the ESPY for best team, please let me know, but it doesn't make sense to me.

This is getting old

2009-07-15T08:52:00.001-04:00

Another MLB All Star Game, another American League win. What is this, 13 years in a row now? It's pretty silly how the American League just continues to dominate this event. For the last 6 years, the American League victory in the All Star Game has granted them with home field advantage in the World Series. However, it really hasn't been an advantage as both the National and American League teams have won 3 World Series titles apiece in that span. I would assume that after a longer sampling, the team with home field advantage would end up winning the majority of the World Series titles, but we won't know for sure until it happens.

The fact that it even determines home field advantage, to begin with, is stupid. It's an exhibition game that features over 90% of the players who won't be participating in the World Series anyway, so why let them have any influence on it? The best way of doing it is by giving home field advantage to the team with the best record. Pretty fuckin simple. That's how they do it in the NBA and the NHL (obviously not the NFL because the Super Bowl is held at a predetermined and most likely "neutral" field). But you have Bud Selig trying to save face after that horrible debacle in 2002 when the All Star Game ended in a tie when both managers ran out of players. This isn't the way to do it.

With the current system, we have managers managing the game like it's a real game, saving players and pitchers for certain situations and so on and so forth. This means that a bunch of players do not get to play. I say we play the 9 inning game, have the score count for nothing, but make it mandatory that all of the players are featured in the game. There's nothing worse for a fan base than having a guy they vigorously voted for sitting on the bench for the entire game. What's the point? We could get into the whole "fans shouldn't determine who's an All Star" debate, but that has been beaten to death so many times that it doesn't need to be addressed.

To be honest, if the All Star Game is going to continue to determine home field advantage, then I want the National League to win every year. That way, when the Red Sox sweep the World Series, we'll be able to celebrate at Fenway hahaha.

Dumb bitch falls down manhole while texting. Plans to file lawsuit.

2009-07-14T08:51:00.001-04:00

Source: MSN.com

We all know that walking and texting is a tough combination -- but a Staten Island teen learned the hard way when she fell into an uncovered sewer manhole while trying to send a message.

Now, the family of Alexa Longueira, 15, intends to sue.

The girl suffered a fright and some scrapes on her arms back after she dropped into the hole on Victory Boulevard.

"It was four or five feet, it was very painful. I kind of crawled out and the DEP guys came running and helped me," Longueria told the Staten Island Advance.. "They were just, like, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

For its part, the Department of Environmental Protection said its workers had turned away briefly to grab some cones when the incident occurred.

"We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery," DEP spokeswoman Mercedes Padilla said in a statement. She added that crews were flushing a high-pressure sewer line at the time.

The girl was checked out at Staten Island University Hospital and released.

Sewer line workers are supposed to cut off pedestrian access to work sites or at least mark them with warning signs.

The family said they will file a lawsuit -- for what, though, is not immediately clear. Her mother, Kim Longueira, said it doesn't matter that her daughter was walking and texting, and also, the 'gross' factor that can't be ignored.

"Oh my God, it was putrid," she said. "One of her sneakers is still down there"

You gotta be pretty fuckin stupid to fall into a manhole for any reason whatsoever. The fact that this dumb bitch did it while texting is funny because she was probably sending a "I can't wait to suck your dick" message to her boyfriend and next thing you know she was down in the dumps, literally. What's even more funny is the fact that this family is planning on filing a lawsuit. What the hell are they gonna sue for? For not safeguarding their retarded child? I mean, she's gotta be retarded right?

I think that the state of New York should countersue the family because they raised a fuckin moron. Seriously, if you are that oblivious to your surroundings while walking down a street, you should not be allowed to go outside. It's a danger to everyone else who lives a regular life of NOT FALLING INTO MANHOLES. Even blind people can avoid those manholes. This is pathetic. I'm gonna sue this fuckin family for being so dumb that I wasted my time reading about their ridiculous life.

Who's the Bigger A-Hole? Version 2.0

2009-07-13T09:00:00.007-04:00

Alright, well it looks like we have another set of candidates for a "Who's the Bigger A-Hole?" poll. As a quick refresher, you might want to read the Who's the Bigger A-Hole version 1.0 before reading this one. Like last time, I know both of these people and was given permission to use their emails for this blog. As a side note, please keep in mind that these two "A-Holes" have since patched up their differences but that really is beside the point. Do not let that affect your judgment at all. Let the games begin!

Background information: Person A and Person B are friends. They are by no means "best" friends nor do they really hang out with each other that often. However, both Person A and Person B are on the same email string together with a bunch of our high school friends. Person A got married a few months ago and Person B was not invited to the wedding (for reasons outlined in the email exchange below). Person A gets the impression that Person B is holding a grudge and calls him out after Person B's latest "snide" remark.

Unlike last time, I don't need to do commentary. I am just going to lay out the emails. Here is what ensued. Please keep in mind that every one of these emails is a Reply All to a group of 8 people...

Person A: Person B, while you're taking shots at me, how about you squeeze in another veiled whiny comment about the wedding. it's been a few days. or you could stop being such a baby. whatever works for you

Me: Someone please set up an octagon at (mutual friend's place) on Saturday night. I'd love to see the Person A vs. Person B match

Person B: no Person A, im gonna continue to be a baby.

Person A: yea that's what i figured.

A short time later...

Person B: I'm done making comments about Person A, I thought I was one of your friends, I was the only person you didn't invite besides (mutual friend), you couldnt of at least been like "sorry Person B I couldn't invite you".

Person A: i wasn't able to invite you, (mutual friend), (another mutual friend), some of my school buddies. only 1 person has been a bitch about it though, you. (Person A's wife's) dad gave us a headcount...you can't invite everybody. most people get that

Person B: sorry didnt realize it would have been too much for you to have been like sorry I couldnt invite you.

Person A: so in your opinion i should've went to every person that i know that didn't get invited to the wedding and gave them a personal apology? okay next time i get married i'll keep that in mind. since we're such good friends, how about next time you have a problem with me you talk to me about it instead of talking behind my back and making bitchy comments. that way the whole email chain doesn't have to listen to this again.

Person B: i believe my comment was about what time (mutual friend's) race worked work for you, not a wedding comment. but fair enough next time you get married i'll expect an apology when i'm not invited.

Person A: and next time you have a problem with me i'll expect you to say something instead of being a prick on email for 2 months

Person B: Ok i'll try my best but being a prick is what I'm good at

Person A: at least we agree on something today

Me: Wait, am I allowed to post this email chain in my blog?

Other email chain member: yes, yes and FUCK YES!! HAHAH

Me: Alright, I've made the decision to post this email chain on my blog next week. Look for it on Monday. As always, I will redact identifying information so Person A and Person B will be known as "Person A" and "Person B". Thanks for the material guys, you've been great.

By the way, I heard that there was a $50 entrance fee to get into (mutual friend's place) on Saturday and he's charging $5 per beer.

Person B: Your an advertisement whore chan

Me: Person B, you are no longer invited to my future wedding.

Later on...

Person A: sorry to ruin the mood for all you ladies, but Person B and i made up. there will be no Person B-Person A matchup...

Person B: More like we made out. Good make up sex.

Other email chain member: BOOOO we paid for blood!!!!!!!

Me: Person A/Person B,

Do I have permission from both of you to post the email exchange on my blog, provided that I redact all personal information?

To be honest, I'm gonna post it anyway, but I figured I'd be fair and ask for your express permission first.

Person A: fine but i don't want to be Person A. i want my name to be Max Power

Person B: Only if I can be referred to as the guy with the really big penis.

As you can see, while both of their requests did have some merit, I chose to keep it simple and consistent with the Person A and Person B nicknames.

Time to vote

So who's the bigger A-Hole here? Is it:

Person A, for not inviting Person B to the wedding and not telling him why
Person B, for being upset at the non-invite and making "veiled whiny" comments on the email chain?

As usual, please vote on the poll located on the top right of the page.

Fun Friday Features

2009-07-10T09:30:00.001-04:00

Try saying THAT 10 times fast. Anyway, I was pretty happy with the material I could post this week. I wrote over 5,000 words and frankly, I'm pooped. But I still have some material. Here we go...

I hate this bitch

First and foremost, I went to the Red Sox game on Wednesday night with Frank, Hanh, and Jackie. It was a pretty good game as we ended up winning 5-4, Big Papi had a 3 run bomb, Wakefield pitched well again, and Papelbon had another shaky save. The only problem was that I didn't even care if we won or lost, I just wanted to get the hell outta there. Now why would I say such a thing? Well, the reason why is because this C U Next Tuesday ("CUNT" for all of you slow people) would not shut the fuck up.

This fuckin chick was clearly wasted and keep yelling and screaming over and over again with a deep, man-sounding voice every 5 seconds for the final 3 innings of the game. It was so loud and obnoxious that everyone in our section kept looking at her in disgust. I actually offered the lady sitting behind me 5 dollars to fight her. She was so oblivious to the fact that I (well everyone else too) was annoyed that I actually stood up and offered anyone in the stands 5 dollars to kill me or punch me in the face, preferably the ear drum. No one took the offer but they all clearly understood the predicament I was in.

Me and my favorite fan

And then she got into a shouting match with a girl wearing an Oakland A's "Huston Street" t-shirt. As this drunk bitch was yelling "scoreboard" to the A's fan, she stumbled into the row below, basically leaning onto a couple of 8 year old kids. It was almost as funny as seeing Doody plow into that chick in the elevator (see previous post). See, I hate these pink-hat-wearing, fair weather fans who don't know what the fuck they're talking about and try to rub it in the faces of opposing fans now that the Red Sox are an annual powerhouse. Selfishly, I was almost hoping that the A's would win (it's only one game, right?) so that she'd shut the fuck up and go away. Or better yet, kill herself. She definitely needs a big black cock permanently lodged down her throat from now on.

Email exchange of the week

(courtesy of dontevenreply.com)

From the creator of the site: This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded.

This is just one of many solid email exchanges... Enjoy

Original ad:

I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.

Email Exchange:

From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the fuck up.

Classic stuff...

Weekend Plans

It looks like I'm going white water rafting on Saturday morning/afternoon, followed by UFC 100 at Big Pete's Saturday night. Sunday is all softball all the time, so hopefully I'll have something good to report on Monday.

Actually, I have a new Who's the Bigger A-Hole? coming next week so look out for that one. Have a nice weekend everybody!

4th of July weekend recap Part II

2009-07-09T08:00:00.010-04:00

Here is the continuation from the previous post...

Quick disclaimer: All of the events portrayed did actually happen, but they happened from my perspective. I may have remembered some things incorrectly only because it's hard to recall things that happened when I was hammered. If so, please let me know and I can update the specifics. Also, in the context of this recap, I redacted some personal identifying information (some last names, some first names, etc.), where necessary, in an effort to make sure this blog isn't in the spotlight in case one of you ever becomes famous. Happy reading...

Saturday (7/4/09)

Woke up on the edge of the bed next to Frank, who was occupying about 90% of the bed. I think the only reason I woke up was because he was inching me closer and closer off the bed as the night progressed. For the record, there was no gay shit going on here. I put a pillow between us as a "barrier to entry" so to speak. Once we finally got out of bed, me, Frank and the ladies decided to grab breakfast at Denny's and then we came back, everyone showered up and got dressed for the wedding.

We stayed at the Hilton Garden Inn.

The wedding ceremony was held at 1pm at St. Joseph the Worker Church in Liverpool, NY. It was about a 15 minute ride from the hotel. We showed up about 10 minutes before the wedding procession started and immediately realized that it was pretty warm in the church that day. It was a very traditional Catholic wedding ceremony with the bride (Teresa) coming out to the Bridal Chorus by Wagner. There were also 2 readings, a responsorial psalm, a gospel, and a homily. All in all, it didn't seem all that long as they got through most of the ceremony in about 50 minutes.

Left to right: Maid of honor, Teresa, Jim, Best Man Bob

That was, until the Maid of Honor (the Bride's sister) ended up fainting by the altar which caused a 15 minute delay as they tended to her. The best part about it was that Dr. Doody "saved the day" by waiting about 10 minutes before he decided to help out. To be fair, he's not a real doctor yet, but when he does become one, I hope to God I'm not one of his patients. This was followed by the priest resuming the ceremony by saying "I really mean it when I say let us pray". It was an unfortunate time to faint though because it literally happened right before the final blessing. Well, at the very least, no one is going to forget this wedding. We originally thought that the fainting was as a result of simply the lack of air conditioning in the Church, but we then decided that it had to be a combination of the heat and the hangover that the Maid of Honor was probably nursing from the night before. We cannot confirm that though since she was not part of the Friday night debacle. The following video is meant to give you an idea of what may have occurred and not to be considered in poor taste of the travesty that happened at this wedding. Okay, you gotta admit, it was pretty funny. You can laugh.

After the wedding, everyone headed out to the parking lot to talk and mill about. The newlyweds and their families had photo obligations so while we waited for them to finish, a whiffle ball session broke out. Once that ended, we headed over to the Bride's parent's place for a light lunch and then back to the hotel to take naps until the 6pm reception. FYI, I did not drop a deuce at Teresa's parent's place because they only had one bathroom on the first floor and it was right near all of the food. I didn't want to contaminate the spread. So I held out until we got back to the hotel and unleashed hell.

Whiffleball is fun.

I woke everyone up shortly before 5:30 and we headed down to the lobby as there was a bus waiting for us to shuttle us to the reception. This was a nice touch by Jim & Teresa (the newlyweds) as it was July 4th, everyone was going to be drinking, and the cops were going to be out in full force. Smart thinking. Someone definitely would've gotten a DUI.

The reception was held at Lafayette Hills Golf and Country Club in Jamesville, NY which happened to also be about 15 minutes from our hotel. Basically, everything was 15 minutes from the hotel. Beautiful country club, nice scenic views, and most importantly, an open bar. We got some drinks, made small talk with some people, then took some pictures. Before dinner began, I decided to set a goal of drinking every type of alcohol available. I think I succeeded. I ended up having a Jack & Coke (whiskey), a Capecodder (vodka), a Gin & Tonic (gin), a Rum & Coke (rum), a scotch on the rocks (scotch), a glass of red wine, a glass of white wine, champagne, 2 beers, a Manhattan (liquer) and a tequila sunrise (tequila). And for some reason, after all of that, I wasn't even wasted. I was drunk, but not smashed.

Most of the people in this picture took part in Friday's debacle.

Before dinner began, they did all of the formal introductions, the first dance, and the speeches from the Best Man and the Maid of Honor/Her twin brother. I don't remember much of the Maid of Honor speech but I remember that the Best Man (Jim's brother Bob) did take it easy on Jim and actually called out all of his friends at Table 17 (a bunch of the fantasy baseball guys and other friends) as the guys who could dish out the dirt on Jim. I was actually hoping that he'd say a story about walking in on Jim beating off or something ridiculous like that, but I guess not. Bob did make it a point to advise all of the single ladies in the room to "stay away from the guy they call Doody", which was hilarious because that's his real last name but everyone probably thought he was making a joke about bowel movements. In a way, he probably was. I'm not particularly sure if that helped Doody's game or hurt it, but I do have to say that it's pretty cool being included in a Best Man's speech. That is, unless Bob said something like "Doody has AIDS". So we all raised our glasses, cheered to the new couple and dinner commenced.

For me, dinner was good. I had the prime rib which was cooked to my liking: medium rare. My table was one of the first tables to be served so it was piping hot when it arrived. Unfortunately for Frank, his table was the last to be served so by the time he got his food, it was overcooked (from being on the warmers too long) and it actually was cooler than room temperature. Oh well, sucks for them haha. By the way, I took a shit at the country club in case you were wondering.

Side note: We were trying to figure out how old these two cute waitresses were at the reception and everyone kept saying that they had to be over 18 years old and, therefore, would have sex with them. I held steady in saying that they looked much younger and were barely 18 at the oldest. I think Dodson came in with a guess of age 22. Well, Doug's gf Kim decided to ask one of them and guess what? They were 16 years old. So for all of you assholes who thought they were of age and wanted to bang them... (please insert statutory rape joke here).

After we finished eating, the band got everybody moving by playing some nice tunes. I think Marotta was the one who rallied the troops as we invaded the dance floor. Filipino Mike decided to get things jumpin by doing some breakdancing and some other smooth moves which really impressed the old white folk. Everyone else sprung into action and carved up the dance floor. There were even confirmed reports that "Last Place Doug" was caught dancing when Poker Face was played. I didn't see it happen but I'm pretty sure it was a disaster. When the music slowed down, the slow dancing started and that's when Don Magic Juan Kristian B. decided to spring to action (for comedic purposes, we'll call him "Chen Who?"). Our man from Boston had been working his game with this Emily chick all afternoon at the wedding and all during the cocktail hour and dinner. It was only right they they slow danced. And once they did, it was sealed.

We haven't heard the full story yet, but all inclinations point to this boy turning into a MAN that evening. For context purposes, Emily was Teresa's friend from Boston who "needed a ride" to Syracuse because she didn't want to drive alone. Kristian is an admitted "asian fetish" predator who was described as a "ladies man" by Teresa. Naturally, Kristian had no problem offering to provide her with transportation. When Sonya asked Emily later on that evening what she looks for in a guy, she responded with "tall white guy, blond, 6 feet 4 inches". Hey guess what, Kristian is a tall white guy with blond hair and he's 6 feet 4 inches tall. What a coincidence! I did not make this up.

Frank, AKA "Rodz", and his gf Hanh

Once the reception ended, we all piled back onto the shuttle bus and headed back to the hotel. Teresa's cousins and some other girls decided to come back and drink with us, so we popped open a couple bottles of wine and champagne and chilled outside. A few of the guys were working their game and there were some accounts of a little piece here and there. Kevin made out with Teresa's cousin and was then promptly cockblocked by her friends. Eric told me that Kevin referred to the cockblockers as the "Matrix Twins". I see the resemblance now that I think about it. Me, being the pimp that I am, ended up in bed with Frank again since the girls slept together for the second night in a row. We are such a cute couple.

Quick note: Doody was absolutely destroyed at the wedding. I couldn't seemlessly fit his drunkeness into each paragraph so I'm dedicating this area for that purpose. I recall him breaking at least a few glasses on the dance floor. He was to the point where you weren't sure if he was just going to pass out at any moment. Every time he dropped his drink, people advised him to drink some water and he'd break free and head to the bar for another drink. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, when we were back at the hotel, we got into the elevator and Doody was so wobbly legged that he fell backwards and sandwiched the girl who was standing behind him into the elevator wall. High comedy. There are also unconfirmed reports that beer was purchased from the lobby and charged to Doody's account.

Here is our google chat conversation from yesterday (after Doody read part I):

10:49 AM rmdoody: i'm scared for part 2

10:51 AM me: hahaha

10:52 AM i didn't destroy u in it <----- I guess I lied hahahaha

10:53 AM rmdoody: i did a good enough job of destroying myself

10:54 AM me: that u did haha

10:56 AM rmdoody: i'm kind of upset that i missed the strip club trip, but it might have been a good thing

i might have been stripping next to kevin or dead in the hotel by sunday morning from alcohol poisoning

10:57 AM me: yeah if u were as drunk as u were saturday night, at the strip club on friday, we all would've been arrested

10:59 AM rmdoody: no shit...i was a disaster at the wedding

i'm just glad i'm still alive

11:02 AM me: i heard that a few people saw u on your way out sunday morning

they all said you looked like you were going to die

hahaha

rmdoody: a little piece in me did die

11:03 AM there's nothing like taking a 7 hour drive while hungover

11:04 AM me: how was the drive? did you have any mishaps?

11:05 AM rmdoody: i made some stops along the way which helped...my brother near cooperstown and a college friend in albany

11:07 AM me: any puking?

11:08 AM rmdoody: nope...i don't think i puked at all

at least i don't remember puking

then again i was looking at pictures on FB and i didn't recall being in them at all

11:10 AM me: i remember u broke about 3 glasses during your drunken escapades

rmdoody: i kind of remember 1

11:12 AM me: haha

rmdoody: i wish that i drank a little less because i might have been a lot less of an ass as the night went on

me: u were a complete mess

it was fantastic

rmdoody: but i think that its one of the reasons that i'm invited to these things.

11:13 AM table 17 was a disaster to start with and then i was the damn ringmaster of the circus

11:16 AM me: u get that drunk on a regular basis?

if so, that is awesome

11:17 AM rmdoody: i try not to...but it happens at least a half dozen times a year, especially after med school exams

11:18 AM me: make sure you give me a call next time you finish a med school exam

11:19 AM rmdoody: lol

i can't wait for the next wedding

Sunday (7/5/09)

I woke up Sunday and had a pretty hard time getting out of bed. It's probably because I drank every fucking type of alcohol and my body was refusing to function. So all I did was lay there at the hotel and watch the Wimbledon finals until close to noontime. I finally mustered the strength to shower and pack, and then we headed back over to Teresa's parent's place for the day-after-brunch. There was tons of good food there (potato salad, macaroni salad, sandwiches, chips, etc.) but my stomach was basically turning over the whole time. I ran into a couple of Teresa's cousins who may or may not have had relations with some of the guys the night before (one of them did) and I just giggled to myself.

After hanging out for a couple of hours, we had to leave to drive Sonya to the airport, then we headed for home. On the way home, we stopped off in Lee, MA to grab some dinner and check out the outlets. We picked up a few items, then continued on our way back to Boston. I got home at around 9PM, showered, did some laundry and then passed out, ending a great weekend.

Interesting observations:

All of the guys in our fantasy baseball league call Frank by his team name (Rodz) instead of his real name. I've never seen this happen before. At one point, I think Kevin even asked me what Frank's real name was. Just think about this. That's like calling people by their AIM screen name or something. Completely ridiculous, yet completely funny. Here is a pic of the fantasy baseball crew.

A bunch of the older women at the Sunday brunch thought that I was Filipino Mike and commented on my unbelievable dancing ability. I guess all Asians DO look alike!

Shout Outs:

Jim & Teresa - Congratulations on your new life together! May you enjoy your honeymoon and all of your POST marital sex
Frank, Hanh, and Sonya - my roommates, thanks for another enjoyable weekend and for not calling the police after I farted and almost gassed everyone to death
Doug, Kim, Jane, Ike, Kristian, and Dodson - good times at table 14!
Secor brothers and Kyle - Eric, thanks for the ride up to 'Cuse. You are a funny dude. Tell Avril Lavigne I said hello. Kevin, you are one out of control motherfucka when you are drunk. Tell Lola I said hello. Kyle, stop having threesomes with dogs.
Table 17 - I'm expecting you to post some of those incriminating stories about Jim in the comment section of this blog entry. You guys are cool dudes. Let's make sure we meet up more often instead of just once a year.
Homeless Black Guy - keep playing that guitar my friend. you are a true legend
7 Year Old Freestyler and Backflip Kid - don't quit your day jobs
People of Syracuse - learn how to have some fun

Left to right: Jim, Teresa, Kristian, Me, "Rodz"

Who's getting married next? Let's do it big again.

4th of July weekend recap Part I

2009-07-08T08:45:00.008-04:00

I finally found the time to write about the July 4th weekend. Here is what transpired:

Quick disclaimer: All of the events portrayed did actually happen, but they happened from my perspective. I may have remembered some things incorrectly only because it's hard to recall things that happened when I was hammered. If so, please let me know and I can update the specifics. Also, in the context of this recap, I redacted some personal identifying information (some last names, some first names, etc.), where necessary, in an effort to make sure this blog isn't in the spotlight in case one of you ever becomes famous. Happy reading...

Friday morning/afternoon (7/3/09)

I woke up at around 7:30 (after staying out until 2am drinking at the Kells the night before), dropped a big time deuce, finished packing, showered, then headed over to meet up with big Frank Cho and the UNH-hooter-recruiter Mister E. Secor (for comedic and pronunciation purposes, we'll call him Seek-Whore). We watched a little bit of Wimbledon at the Chestnut Hill pad then decided to hit the road shortly after 9am. We piled into Secor's 2 door coupe and threw the address to the hotel into the GPS and it gave us an estimated time of arrival of 2pm. Five hours, not too bad.

On the way, we realized that none of us had eaten so we stopped off at the Framingham rest stop on the Mass Pike at a McDonald's. A smart person would order something that wouldn't make them want to shit soon after eating it. Naturally, being the dumb idiot that I am, I ordered the "Big Breakfast" which consisted of a hash brown, 2 eggs, sausage, and buttermilk biscuits. So about a half hour after we got back on the road, I obviously had to take a shit. Clearly I didn't want to derail our trip, so I did what most people do when they have to go to the bathroom but need to wait it out.

I'm lovin' it!

I forced myself to fall asleep.

Now I know you all were thinking I was going to shit my pants or stick my ass out of the window or something, but c'mon, I'm not that disgusting. Wait, yes I am, but I didn't resort to those measures. So about an hour later, we decided to pit stop since the other fellas had to take leaks and thankfully I was able to unload the kids at the pool (translation: drop a deuce). We got back in the car and made our way to Syracuse without another pit stop.

Some observations from the ride:

Secor is a very responsible driver, and by responsible, I mean he drives no faster than 65mph. Fortunately, we had plenty of Avril Lavigne tunes to keep us occupied (that was sarcasm). To be fair, Secor did have some solid music and it was a pretty smooth ride. Thanks for driving!
Frank is hilarious when he falls asleep. He had some serious bobblehead action going on, you know where you're sleeping and your head tilts to one side and you catch yourself falling and tilt the other way until you catch yourself falling and around and around we go.

Frank Cho bobblehead!

We checked into the hotel around 2:30, waited for Frank's gf Hanh to show up (she was coming from Buffalo), then spent the rest of the afternoon eating pizza, going to the mall and picking up Hanh's friend Sonya from the airport. By the time we got back to the hotel, everyone else (about 15 of us total) had shown up so we decided to grab some dinner.

Friday night (7/3/09)

We ended up going to this restaurant called Dinosaur BBQ. Apparently it's a really popular place because there was an hour wait when we got there. So, in order to pass the time, we did what any typical group would do: we started drinking. I think we sat down to eat around 8pm and everyone essentially feasted on some real good BBQ such as pulled pork, beef brisket, ribs, etc. If you're around the Boston area, the best comparison is Blue Ribbon BBQ. Dinosaur BBQ is essentially the same type of food, but a much bigger place with a full bar.

We left dinner, some of us buzzed from the alcohol, then headed over to Armory Square to continue the drinking. Apparently, Armory Square is this 2 block area where all the bars/clubs are supposed to be. Well, the place sucked. It was basically a dump, with hardly any people out enjoying any night life. This is most likely due to the fact that we were in a college town and Syracuse University was no longer in session. Still, I found it to be unacceptable, but we were not giving up hope on a good night.

This shirt is self explanatory.

About an hour after we settled into one of the dive bars there (I'm being told it was called "The Blue Tusk"), our prayers for an entertaining evening were answered, not by beautiful women frolicking through the bar, but amazingly by a homeless black man with a guitar. This was not any ordinary homeless man though. This was a homeless man who could sing the likes of Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye, and other classic artists. So being the lively bunch that we were, we decided to pay him money to continue playing for over an hour while we danced and sang along like the drunk assholes that we were. Clearly, we were the life of the party. It was quite the scene.

One quick note: I'd like to commend all of the other people from Syracuse for not joining in on the sing-a-long or any other aspect of the evening. All you did was sit there at your tables and pretend like the greatest thing in the world was not happening right in front of your eyes. To the people of Syracuse: you all can suck a dick. It's like they were allergic to fun or something.

After the homeless guy walked away with a bunch of our money, 2 little kids decided to show up and try to swindle some more money from us. The first kid offered to do a backflip if we'd give him a dollar. Unimpressed, we declined. The next kid said he'd freestyle for a dollar, so we took him up on his offer. Naturally, like the rest of the people from Syracuse (minus the homeless guy), this kid sucked. I mean, granted he was like 7 years old, but if you're gonna be charging a dollar for your services, you better come correct.

So after he finished spewing some bullshit, I gave him a dollar but my buddy Kevin refused to give him a dollar claiming that he didn't deserve it. The little black kid then got all pissed and started yelling at Kevin, to which Kevin responded by getting up from his chair and proceeding to do one of the best drunk-white-man freestyles I've ever seen in my life, right back into the kid's face. I don't remember much of it, but I remember that at one point he said something like "pussy come, pussy go, it's like a merry-go-round, yo". All I know is that I completely lost it at that point. I honestly couldn't stop laughing as much as a tried.

These are not the kids mentioned above.

To make matters worse, the little kid was walking away with some older black chick, probably in her late teens or early 20s and Frank decides to yell "smack that ass!" in their direction. This received a response of "watch yo' mouf!" followed by the little kid running right up to the back of Frank's head and screaming at him. Again, I couldn't stop laughing. For the record, the previous few paragraphs were not meant to demean black people. I am just reporting the specifics.

So finally after those kids left, we decided to leave the bar. Half of the group took a cab back to the hotel. I was not part of that half of the group. As soon as we got into the taxi, Kevin yells "hey taxi driver, take us to the nearest strip club please!" We were then presented with two options that created a dilemma. We could either go to a strip club that was only topless but had a bar or we could go to a strip club that had fully nude chicks, but no alcohol. Of course we chose the one with alcohol. Who needs to see bush anyway?

We get to this strip club called "Alpine" and it may have been the shittiest setup I have ever seen. The bar area was really small and there was a small stage, with a few rows of chairs in front of it that were basically one grade higher than folding chairs. A few of us sat in the front row, which was clearly marked off as "tipping area only", or as most people like to call it: Perv Row.

Quick note: It appears that the "Fantasy God" Dodson is either really shy or a strip club novice because we had strippers groping him and begging him to slap them in the ass and he continually slapped them with no effort whatsoever. Either he was nervous or just too much of a gentleman (highly unlikely). These chicks probably had an easier time getting aroused by a bee sting. Naturally, the other fellas picked up the slack by taking full wind up swings and slapping ass like we were trying to leave a hand imprint up in that. Dodson, I am disappointed in you.

There were a few good looking girls who danced, namely the one with the American Flag panties, but for the most part the chicks all had stretch marks from being pregnant. So for some reason, I took that as a cue to get a lap dance. The stripper and I walked back to the "VIP lounge" which consisted of 4 black leather couches in a tiny ass room. There was nothing VIP about it. The couches were also all being used so I had to sit there and do the unthinkable: carry on a conversation with a stripper for 10-15 minutes. Who does that?

While we were waiting, a bunch of the guys left to go back to the hotel so the only people who stayed were Eric, Kevin and myself. When I finally got into the VIP room, the stripper threw me on the couch and I proceeded to motorboat her, spank her, you know the usual stuff. Actually, it isn't really the usual stuff but I was hammered so I didn't care. Apparently, she didn't either. Near the end of my dance, something caught my eye and forced me to look left. Now typically, when I'm getting a lap dance, nothing will distract me away from the T&A in my face, but for some reason I had to look over. I look over and I see Kevin with his fuckin shirt off, waving it around like Jason Biggs from American Pie, GIVING THE STRIPPER A LAP DANCE. I couldn't help but laugh my ass off as he was jamming her face in his crotch, dry humping her, and getting dollars thrown at him by the other strippers. What a class act he is.

Apparently, the stripper (her name was apparently "Lola") enjoyed it so much that she REJECTED Eric's attempt to get a lap dance from her just so she could spend time outside with Kevin smoking cigarettes. No joke: Eric literally held out a $20 bill in front of her face, asking for a lap dance, and she walked right by him clearly smitten with Kevin. So apparently, after talking with Lola for awhile, it appears that Kevin mustered up the courage to ask for her digits. But he didn't just say "hey, can I call you sometime?" like a normal person would. He instead went with the timeless classic of "hey, do you want to get some coffee sometime?" which somehow actually worked. This is funny on a number of levels:

Strippers don't drink coffee. They don't even wake up until the afternoon. They are nocturnal.
Out of all of the possible pick-up lines, how did he end up with this one?
Who the hell would want to drink coffee with a stripper anyway?

Her stage name was Lola but under cross-examination it was revealed that her real name is "Rikki", which most likely is her backup stage name. We then proceeded to call it a night (Kevin with number in hand), but before we left we each took turns slapping this girl on the ass for some reason, and as we walked towards the exit, she took off her bra and threw it at Kevin, landing on his head. High comedy. We finally left, took a taxi back to the hotel, and crashed around 2-3am. There are reports that I almost killed Frank, Hanh, and Sonya with the most disgusting fart of mankind when I got back home. I started by giving Frank the dutch oven, and then when he scrambled to shake the blankets off of him, it wafted the smell to the other side of the room, nearly suffocating Hanh and Sonya. A proud ending to an eventful night...

Part II coming tomorrow...

Quick comment about July 4th weekend recap

2009-07-07T15:43:00.000-04:00

All,

Due to the sheer volume of information being posted from this past July 4th weekend, I will be breaking my entry up into Part I and Part II.

Part I (Friday's events) will be posted tomorrow and Part II (Saturday/Sunday) will be posted on Thursday. Thanks for your patience.

The return of a legend

2009-07-07T11:40:00.000-04:00

Nomar (Ramon backwards) Garciaparra returned to Fenway last night for the first time in five years. Naturally, he was given a prolonged standing ovation that all ex-Red Sox players receive. Well, except the ones that go to the Yankees. I think people forget just how good of a player Nomar was. In 8+ seasons with the Red Sox, he was an All Star 5 times, came in 2nd in the 1998 MVP race, and was Rookie of the Year in 1997. But not only that, he was beloved by the Boston fans as a staple of hard work and determination. Parents had to treat Nomar's departure like a death in the family when they told their kids. I remember being hammered at a wedding reception when I found out. I don't remember whether I was happy or sad, probably because I WAS HAMMERED.

Everyone else has already blogged about the fact that he didn't quit on the team and that he got hosed by ownership, which is true, but his trade did bring back the pieces that eventually led to us winning the World Series in 2004. So am I happy that we have 2 titles in the last 5 years? Absolutely. But would it have been better with Nomar on the team? Of course.

I think that's why we've had so many problems finding a suitable replacement for Nomar since he was traded. No Red Sox shortstop since Nomar has been able to provide the same offensive firepower that Nomar brought to the table. The only guy that could've was traded away (Hanley Ramirez), which led to our second championship. I'm seeing a trend here. Two shortstops traded away, two championships come back as a result.

Maybe we should trade Julio Lugo for another title! Oh wait, what? Julio Lugo sucks? But I thought we were paying him $9+ million per year? We are? Shit! According to my calculations, the Red Sox are 10-16 when Lugo starts so that makes them 39-17 when someone else plays shortstop (Sox overall record is 49-33). And that "someone else" is Nick Green. Look at his initials: N.G.

Who else has those same initials? NOMAR GARCIAPARRA. It's a sign from the baseball Gods. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but the stars are aligned this year and we're going to win the World Series. You heard it here first.

USA! USA! USA!

2009-07-06T09:07:00.000-04:00

Well it looks like another 4th of July and another championship for the King of Deep Throat, Joey Chestnut. This guy is clearly the new face of competitive eating. Unfortunately, I was unable to watch this event live like I did last year, but apparently he consumed 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes (they switched the competition from 12 minutes to 10 minutes last year). If you do the math, that's 6.8 hot dogs per minute. Absolutely disgusting, but also absolutely amazing, and absolutely awesome. Kobayashi is now becoming an after thought. After years of dominance in the world of competitive eating, Kobayashi is now slowly fading into oblivion with every defeat at the hands of Mr. Chestnut. From the International Federation of Competitive Eating website:

Joey rose to lofty heights in record time, from winning Rookie of the Year for 2005 to defeating the great Kobayashi in the 2007 and 2008 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contests and the 2008 Krystal Square Off V World Hamburger Eating Championship.

His career consists of the 2005-2008 seasons, in which he won the asparagus title four times, set an astonishing new world record of 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes, five times beat Kobayashi, four times won the Chinook Winds rib-eating championship, dominated nearly every chicken wing competition he attempted, and most recently did the unthinkable by eating 103 Krystal hamburgers in only 8 minutes.

Joey Chestnut is truly an American hero and a national treasure.

You know, it's really funny that we, as a society, celebrate competitive eaters as "American heroes" and "national treasures" but if you think about it, it does make sense. We technically are the fattest country in the world. But that's neither here nor there. It's time to celebrate a truly great and astonishing feat. 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Here's to you Joey Chestnut! I've adapted the "Proud To Be An American" song into my own version:

I'm proud to be an American
Where at least I know I'm free
We eat every day and every night
And it makes us poo and pee

I'm proud to be an American
Our country is number one
We win silly competitions
Like eating hot dogs and buns

And I gladly stand up
Next to you and defend her still today
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God bless the U-S-A!

For those of you looking for a recap of the weekend fiasco known as "Jim and Teresa's Wedding", I will be uploading a few pics and writing a summary either later on today or tomorrow morning. I was too tired last night and today I'm going to the beach with Person A.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

2009-07-02T11:04:00.002-04:00

Alright, first things first. I'm leaving for Syracuse tomorrow morning and won't be able to blog until Sunday night/Monday morning at the earliest, so this will be the last post of the week. Since it is the weekend of Independence Day, I'd like to start off my post with a moment of silence, followed by the National Anthem...

Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on to some updates:

The reason I'm going to 'Cuse is for my buddy Jim's wedding. Congratulations Jim and Teresa! I can't wait to get bombed at the open bar.
Check this out. It looks like they're selling the patch of grass with the interlocking Yankee logo from the old Yankee Stadium on eBay... starting price is $15,000. Naturally, there are ZERO bids so far. No one wants that piece of shit.
Enough with the Michael Jackson coverage already. Let the dude rest in peace. Now we got Jermaine Jackson saying he wishes it was him instead. Give me a fuckin break. I'm pretty certain everyone in the family is trying to angle themselves in some way to make a shitload of money off of his death. Now the real way to celebrate his death is by doing an end zone tribute after scoring a touchdown.
I love pizza. Here is a listing of Boston's best pizza joints.
Rasheed Wallace is being courted by the Celtics. I am okay with this. We're losing Powe anyway, plus we need a big man who can stretch the defense. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend he'll be in Celtics green.
The day after making me almost pull a David Carradine and hang myself by my nuts, the Red Sox decided to cook up a huge rally of their own, scoring 4 runs in the 9th the tie it, and winning it with a Julio Lugo (you gotta be fuckin kidding me) single in the 11th.

New segments...

FML of the week:

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML.

MLIA of the week:

Today, I was stuck in traffic because of an accident up ahead. I loudly complained how traffic would go faster if people wouldn't slow down to look at the accident. As I drove by, I slowed down and looked at what was going on. MLIA.

Everyone, please have a fun-filled, action packed, drunk, erotic, but most importantly, SAFE weekend. I'd like to see you all alive come Monday. Adios.

I want cheesecake!

2009-07-01T10:16:00.002-04:00

You guys gotta check this out. Apparently, there's a new reality dating show called MORE TO LOVE that features "plus-size women looking for some real love without extra weight issue."

From the FOX website:

The unscripted series follows a single average guy with a big waist and an even bigger heart as he romances several confident and secure plus-size women. Each week, the husky hunk will wine and dine a group of curvy women to determine if they have more love to give or if they are truly more than he can handle. When the size of competition narrows, he will have to decide if one full-figured lady will become his true love.

"This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size," said executive producer Mike Fleiss. "When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love."

Iconic full-figured supermodel Emme will host MORE TO LOVE. A pioneer for plus-size women in the modeling industry, Emme became the first full-figured model to land a contract as a cosmetics company spokesperson when she signed with Revlon. Her career as a model, television personality, author, inspirational speaker and clothing designer promotes and exemplifies positive body image, self-esteem and self-acceptance.

From Aceshowbiz.com

A promo for the show premiering July 28 has been released, showing heavy women auditioning for the show. Four of them are introduced and questioned about motivations as well as other things. Grace from New Orleans, L.A. said that she is sick of men telling her to lose weight and yelled jokingly, "I want cheesecake!"

And here is the promo video:

There is no way I'm not watching this. This could be a huge success or a huge failure. There is no middle ground. All I know is that all of the fat chicks that get rejected by this fat dude are gonna commit suicide because not only will they be fat, but they'll also be embarrassed on national TV. At least "The Biggest Loser" had a positive influence on fat people. This is just a blatant slap in the face to our heavyset friends in this world.

Leave it up to FOX to come up with another ridiculous show...

Now my question is: Do you think this show will be a hit??? Please vote on the poll on the top right.

Told you it would be the last positive Yankee comment...

2009-06-30T15:43:00.000-04:00

Wow, talk about major league baseball absolutely sucking Mark Teixeira's dick. It just so happens that Kevin Youkilis regained the lead in the All Star voting for first baseman according to the most recent update, and what does MLB.com do today? Yup, they get Mark Teixeira himself to be a guest on the site to do an online chat with the fans. And it just so happens that fan voting ends in 2 days. I don't know about you, but this clearly stinks of a push by MLB to get fans to vote for him. I mean, c'mon, it's the first story on the MLB homepage right now:

Click on image to view larger.

And this is the screen you get when you click into the page:

Click on image to view larger.

Seriously, this is a pretty fuckin pathetic attempt by major league baseball to brand Mark Teixeira into one of the game's biggest stars. I mean, yeah, he's pretty good, but let's stop sucking his dick already. Here's the link to the page where I took the second screen cap.

And here's the chat archive page link. Take a look at the other potential all star candidate that chatted on May 27th. What a coincedence! It was Ian Kinsler, the guy who's in a close race with Dustin Pedroia for the starting second base position in the All Star game. It looks like Kinsler had a pretty big lead (over 50,000 votes) about a month ago (coincedentally right after his mlb.com chat), but now Pedroia has caught up and is now only about 7,000 votes behind.

I'm claiming shenanigans as MLB clearly has had enough with the influence of Red Sox Nation. If neither Youk or Pedroia are starting in the All Star game, this will be BS.

Papelbon ties save mark

2009-06-30T09:30:00.001-04:00

In case you didn't know, last night Jonathan Papelbon tied Bob Stanley's team record for saves, notching his 132nd save in a Red Sox uniform on just three pitches. That's sort of misleading since it was only a one out save haha. Well anyway, it's nice to see that we still have him under control after this season (2 more arbitration years). After that, he's going to the highest bidder and everyone knows it'll be the Yankees because the Sandman might retire by then.

He might be a tool, but he's OUR tool. For now...

Speaking of Mariano Rivera and speaking of saves, I'm not too much of a Red Sox homer to give props to a Yankee when props is due. Sunday night, the man known as the "Hammer of God, Mo, Sandman (as noted above) and The Panama Express" notched his 500th career save, which puts him in 2nd place all time behind Trevor Hoffman who has 571 saves. Pretty impressive, especially considering he has saved 89.1% of his save opportunities. Hoffman has saved 89.4% of his career save opportunities, but Hoffman has also played for 17 seasons, whereas Mo has played 15 seasons. I'm pretty sure that if they end up playing the same number of seasons, Mariano will be the all time saves leader. I'm okay with that.

Look at the butt on that. Yeah, he must work out.

I'm also okay with the fact that he has blown 12 saves (out of 56 chances) against the Red Sox, giving him a career save percentage of 79% against us. He blew 2 saves in a row in the 2004 ALCS (I was at Game 5), so thanks for helping us win the World Series that year. He also blew the save in the first meeting between the Sox/Yanks this season (I was also at that game) which set the stage for a current win total this season of: Red Sox 8, Yankees 0. At the end of the season, I can see the record evening out a bit though and I'll say that out of the 19 meetings, it'll be the Sox with 12 wins and the Yankees with 7.

So I'd like to celebrate two closers today. One up and coming potential star (Papelbon) and one surefire Hall of Famer (Rivera), who just happen to be polar opposites in terms of personality, but equals (so far) in terms of effectiveness. If you don't think they've both been equally effective, Papelbon has saved 132 out of 148 chances, giving him a save percentage of 89.2%. As a reminder, Rivera's career save percentage is 89.1%. And if Dodson is reading this, I'm not saying that Jonathan Papelbon is as good as Mariano Rivera since Rivera is a proven veteran and Papelbon is still relatively new. But the numbers are interesting thus far.

This is probably the last time anything (somewhat) positive will be written about a Yankee.

USA! USA! USA!

2009-06-29T08:20:00.000-04:00

We did it!!!!!

Congratulations on the United States for winning the Confederations Cup! This is a historic day for soccer in a country where soccer isn't even regarded as a major sport even though it's the number one sport in the world. Finally, we are on the map and proving that we can compete with the likes of Spain and Brazil. All of those years I played soccer in high school really helped me appreciate what an accomplishment this was. I am so proud to be from the United States!!!

Oh shit! What? We fuckin lost? Didn't we have a 2-0 lead at halftime? Isn't that like having a 20 point lead in basketball going into the 4th quarter, where all you have to do is play tight defense and mount little spurts of offense to seal the game? Wow, what a kick in the nuts this was for US soccer. Coming off a statement game (beating Spain in the semifinals), the US did have a lot of momentum and confidence against Brazil, even though Brazil spanked them 3-0 about 2 weeks ago. So things really looked bright when we, not only went up 1-0 on a Dempsey score, but 2-0 on Donovan's goal. At that point you gotta think "wow, this one is in the bag" because it usually is.

2nd Place is the first loser.

Well, not to be outdone by the Washington Nationals bullpen, the US then promptly started blowing the lead by allowing a goal 1 minute into the second half. Talk about momentum killer. This then led to the US team playing tentative the rest of the half, while Brazil was on the attack from the outset. As soon as Brazil scored the equalizer in the 73th minute, you knew it was over. The US team had the "Manning Face" at that point and it showed when Brazil scored again in the 83th minute to put the game away. Oh well, nice try team USA. You made it further than anyone thought you were going to make it anyway.

We lost to a team who has a guy named "Kaka".

To be fair though, these guys from other countries have been playing this shit all their lives and will probably get murdered if they don't win anything. And that's why I'm proud to be from the good ole U-S of A.

King of Pop: Dead at 50

2009-06-26T08:53:00.000-04:00

Apparently, people are stunned that Michael Jackson just died. I mean, c'mon, it's a sad day but in all seriousness I'm surprised he even lasted this long. This guy has been on the ropes for like the last 20 years. Changing from a black guy to a white guy, getting a new nose, and doing all that other plastic surgery can not be good for your body. So when someone told me about his death yesterday, I didn't even flinch. Not that I'm inconsiderate or anything, but it just didn't faze me.

Now this isn't a post to knock on MJ. He really was the king of pop, an ultra talented musician who made classic after classic. He will, hopefully, be remembered more for his music than for troubles in his personal life (ie. touching little boys). I remember watching the Thriller music video over and over again when I was younger because it was the coolest fuckin music video (not only at that time, but ever). I also remember played Michael Jackson: Moonwalker, which was a video game for Sega Genesis. Check out the irony here as the mission was to save little boys and girls...

Remember back in the day when everyone was trying to do the moonwalk? Dude was the best dancer ever. R.I.P. Michael Jackson.

P.S. I'm not sure if this is in poor taste but since Michael Jackson is back in the news, it reminded me of this joke:

Question: Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

wait for it...

wait for it...

wait for it...

Answer: Because he heard that boys' undies were half-off.

Some quick updates

2009-06-25T00:09:00.001-04:00

Tonight, we have the NBA Draft, which doesn't really mean shit for Celtics fans since we have the 58th overall pick (out of a total of 60 picks). It doesn't really matter though because this draft class is supposed to be weaker than Simona Halep's bra (see below)

Look at the fun bags on that hose hound.

I highly doubt there's going to be any trading involving the Celtics, but I'm interested in seeing how other teams are affected. Or maybe I just want to play the NBA Draft drinking game.

A lot of stuff happened yesterday:

It looks like Shaq got traded to the Cavs and apparently he found out through Twitter. They're still not winning shit with him. The only thing he'll provide is defense and Cleveland already had a good defense. They needed a transition big man, someone like Chris Bosh, to contend for a title next season. Oh well, at least they have another big name to blame when they lose in the playoffs next season...
The US somehow beat Spain in the semifinals of the Confederation Cup. Apparently, it was some huge upset since Spain had won 15 in a row and were undefeated in 35 straight matches or something like that. All I can say is: GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
LSU won the College World Series by spanking Texas 11-4. If you saw the quality of the chicks in the stands, it's safe to say that there were no real losers here.
Tommy Haas took out the ball girl at Wimbledon. Whoever said tennis wasn't a contact sport?!?!?!

I love how the first announcer wonders if Tommy Haas is alright before even acknowledging the ball girl who got DRILLED. High comedy.

We are not trading Rondo

2009-06-24T09:47:00.000-04:00

Straight from the horse's mouth: Here is the article about the Celtics trade rumors.

Danny Ainge, the Boston Celtics president of basketball operations, denied rumors that he is trying to deal Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen before Thursday's NBA Draft, the Boston Globe reported.

Ainge told the Globe he expects the team to have the same starting five next season.

"We love Rajon,'' Ainge said. "I think everybody knows how good of a player he is and what sort of a bright future he has. It's amazing, I hope each one of you can maintain your integrity through this world of media that we live in — it doesn't even seem like you have to have any kind of source anymore, you just write stuff and print stuff, and things can just come out of the air.

"It's a little bit frustrating sometimes, because I've got to manage those players. And their agents, and their mothers, and their wives, and, in some cases, their children. But the one thing I can assure you, I will never sit up here and say there is any player that is untradeable, ever.

"But the notion that we might be trading [Rondo] because of his contract situation, I've heard speculation, or that we're dissatisfied with him, or his attitude. I mean, that stuff is so false. He showed up late for a playoff game, so we're going to trade him - none of those things are true.''

There are rumors that the Celtics offered Rondo and Ray Allen to the Pistons for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rodney Stuckey. While I don't think they actually offered a trade, I do think that they were floating it out there to gauge their value in the open market. And if so, who the F cares? Every team does that in the offseason. You listen to and evaluate every offer possible to see if you can improve your team, not only now, but also in the long run. You'd be an idiot if you didn't listen to trade requests and float out possible scenarios to gather information.

I also heard of a possible trade with Phoenix with us giving up Rondo and Ray Allen for Amare Stoudemire and Barbosa. Again, just rumors, and it was denied by Phoenix's GM as soon as it was reported.

So people, stop freaking out because trade rumors are trade rumors. Until I see Rondo and/or Ray Allen at an introductory press conference for another team, I ain't gonna believe shit. It's all strategery.

Perez Hilton is not gay or anything...

2009-06-23T08:38:00.000-04:00

If you have 10-15 minutes to spare, watch the 2 videos below. Apparently, Perez Hilton is some flamboyantly gay gossip columnist (aren't they all?) who is claiming he was assaulted by the tour manager of the Black Eyed Peas after some music awards show in Toronto a couple days ago. Anyway, these videos are high comedy. FYI, it starts off a little slow, but there is some massive payoff if you are patient enough to watch it all.

Part 1

Part 2

I'm sure that Will.I.Am from Black Eyed Peas is really intimidated by this hahaha.

This dude definitely got his face in a BOOM BOOM POW situation.

The best part about this whole story is that instead of calling the police, he posted a message on Twitter first (as if the Police are subscribed to his Twitter account). What a tool.

Click on the picture to read this ridiculousness.

C'mon dude, no one is gonna believe this shit. Stop looking for attention. You are setting gay people back 50 years.

Click on the picture and read the highlighted text.

It's people like this that deserve to die. Not because he's gay, but because he's a fuckin idiot.

Which is more digusting?

2009-06-22T09:08:00.002-04:00

The shit on Steve-O's face?

Or this bitch who looks like him????

Please vote on the poll in the top right.

Quick update: According to last week's poll, it looks like the people have spoken and Person B is the bigger A-hole! But Person A did come in strong with a 30% A-hole vote, so that should also be noted. Congratulations to both of you.

FML

2009-06-19T07:17:00.001-04:00

Have any of you ever gone to fmylife.com? Well, according to their site:

Fmylife.com contains a daily dose of short anecdotes, based on a simple recipe: in a few sentences, users can tell everyone the shitty moment which ruined their day. These short stories must begin with "Today" and end with "FML". On top of being a huge release for the person telling their story, delightfully proving that "fuck ups" happen to everybody every day, fmylife.com also aims to be funny for everyone involved, as well as a way to share your misfortunes with other unlucky individuals, bearing in mind that self deprecation and a sense of irony are essential!

Here's an example of a post:

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

Now as you peruse the site, you're probably assuming (like I have) that some of the posts are real, but most of them are fake. To be honest, I could give two shits about whether or not they are real. All that matters is that they are funny.

Well this brings me to a story about a friend of mine who had a real FML moment. Here's what happened. My friend had 4 tickets to a Red Sox / Yankees game so he decided to ask this girl he is interested in if she would like to accompany him. She said sure and asked if she could bring her friend. So my buddy is thinking "great, I got 2 girls and me, now I just need someone else to go". Naturally, he asks me because I am a huge Red Sox fan and one of his good friends. I tell him of course I'd go. I mean, c'mon, it's a Sox / Yanks game and there's gonna be 2 chicks there. No brainer.

Guess what happens? Me and my buddy arrive at the game, get some beers and sit in our seats. Then, in the middle of the first inning, this chick shows up with her friend. Unfortunately for my friend (and I guess for me too), that "friend" happened to be her BOYFRIEND. So throughout the game, my buddy had to sit there and watch the girl he invited flirting with her boyfriend, while I sat there drinking beers and giggling at what just happened. Fortunately for all my readers, the story doesn't end here. See below for the best picture ever:

This is an actual picture of my friend wearing the shirt his co-workers bought for him after he told them his story. And I am happy to share this with you all.

Have a nice weekend.

The Red Sox celebrate their 500th straight sellout

2009-06-18T09:41:00.002-04:00

Kind of hard to see, but "500" was mowed into the lawn.

The Red Sox have now sold out 500 straight games at Fenway Park. Quite an accomplishment if you think about it, especially since the economy is crappier than my toilet the morning after a night of drinking. Did you know that Terry Francona has not managed a game at Fenway Park that WASN'T a sellout? Pretty impressive, but not that surprising considering the loyalty of Boston sports fans. Last year, we broke the record for consecutive sellouts (held by Cleveland at 455 straight sellouts) and the milestones just keep continuing. Unlike Cal Ripken Jr., who eventually took a day off after breaking the consecutive games played streak, I would love to see Red Sox Nation do the unthinkable and record 1,000 straight sellouts, and more. According to my math, that would happen on... fuck it, I'm not doing the math, but it'd be a ridiculous record to post. Let's just keep selling out Fenway until I die.

“It’s remarkable,’’ owner John Henry wrote in an e-mail. “There is a love associated with this franchise that transcends sports. The great thing about following a baseball team very closely is that it’s an everyday pursuit. We follow all of our own personal stories day to day - our kids, our spouses, this baseball team - there is a continuity of hopes, surprises, joy - all the daily ups and downs of the Red Sox provide a backdrop that is often a respite or enhancement for everything in the foreground.

“That these fans have packed Fenway 500 straight times without exception is not just a record book entry, it is an affair of the heart that can be seen on the faces of fans every magical night - rain or shine. We’re all lucky to have been a part of it.’’

- Courtesy of Boston.com

As cookie-cutter as that statement sounds, it's really true. Baseball in Boston is not only just a part of our daily activities, it's a way of life. We, as fans, live and die on the fortunes (or misfortunes) of this team. Unlike football, basketball, and hockey where there are specific seasons to focus on the Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins, there is no offseason for the Red Sox. They play April to September (and hopefully, October/November) and once the season ends it's time for the winter meetings followed by spring training. There is no downtime if you are a Red Sox fan, and there never will be.

Here's the commemorative ball given out last night.

That's probably why fans from other cities consider us as being insufferable and overreactive. They just don't understand the passion, knowledge, dedication and dare I say "insanity" of Red Sox Nation. For fans of most cities, going to a baseball game is just another event to attend for fun. Here, going to a Sox game is a privilege and a being a true member of the Nation is a rite of passage.

So, really, this is a testament to the fans. The fans are the reason why there are 500 consecutive sellouts (obviously) and the fans are the reason why Boston is the best sports town in the country. I've been to a bunch of different ballparks and the atmosphere and environment has never even come close to rivaling that of Fenway. And it never will.

To the fans: may the streak continue, may your loyalty stay true, and may you lead us to another championship in the near future because truly, you are the lifeline of this team.

Let's go Red Sox!

Lou Pinella is funny

2009-06-17T10:03:00.003-04:00

Just watch this...

How could you not tell the difference between steroids and weed? I love this guy.

Drama in work league soccer

2009-06-16T09:17:00.000-04:00

I was talking to one of my buddies online and he decided to send me this little gem. Apparently, there is a work soccer league and one of the guys in the league (from another company) is a gigantic pussy (for the purpose of this blog, we'll call him "Sissy"). Here's the original email he sent to the captain of the other team on Wednesday, June 10th:

Just want to share my pain with you and hope we have more fun playing in the future.

In the first minutes of the game one of your player (a young guy with blue short) banged his knee to my thigh to pass me defending him and it was so hard that I was out for 15 minutes.
Consider that I had pad for protecting my thigh, plus that I’m well trained and playing soccer on regular basis that was so painful that I was not able to sleep even after taking two Advil’s and I have hard time to walk now.

I brought this to the player’s attention after the game, but surprisingly he was not aware of it.
This was a fault … and nobody called it.

I hope in the future
1- we avoid this type of contact
2- we have more control and be more aware of what we are doing.
I’m not telling it was intentional and I hope nobody in our league has any intention as such.

Let’s be more careful and make the game a fun for everybody according to our constitution.

Thanks,
Sissy

We can conclude 3 things from this email:

This guy is a huge pussy.
This guy was not born in the US based on his grammar.
This guy is a snitch.

So it appears that the captain either did not take him seriously or didn't give a shit because he didn't respond to this ridiculousness. This led to "Sissy" sending the following email to ALL OF THE CAPTAINS in the soccer league. Fortunately for us, my buddy happens to be one of those other captains. Here is the second email sent:

Captains, I send the following email to the team we played last week regarding my injury and my intention was to remind you to play safely and responsibly and avoid any dangerous play.

Unfortunately, till now, I have not received any reply to my email which I wonder how I should interpret it.?????

Please talk to your team members and remind them that there is no world –level recognition for this games.

Thanks,
Sissy

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you our nominee for PUSSY OF THE YEAR! Dude, seriously. Grow some fucking nuts. In these work leagues, you police yourselves, so if you get fouled, call a foul. Don't bitch about it later like a little girl.

So what do you guys think? Let me know in the comments section.

Also, reminder that there's only a couple days left to vote on Who is the Bigger A-Hole (see poll in top right of blog).

The Lakers just raped Orlando

2009-06-15T09:40:00.000-04:00

This girl is disgusting.

Did the title of my blog post offend people? Well, if it didn't, it should have. That's because I'm offended by it as well. I'm offended by the fact that a guy who rapes chicks (see above photo) is celebrated by the media and his fans as being a "hero", a "superstar", and someone who is "driven". Well, I'll concede that he's driven. He's driven to rape bitches and get away with it.

This just in: after the Lakers won the championship, Kobe was interviewed and instead of saying he was going to Disney World, he indicated that he was so happy that he was going to go to Colorado to rape as many girls as he could.

So here's to the Lakers! First team to win a championship with a rapist and a guy who looks like a fuckin Llama...

And yes, I'm still bitter because the Spanish basketball team is a bunch of racists.

Wow, that went South quickly...

2009-06-12T09:31:00.004-04:00

*Alright some people have assumed that I'm one of these people mentioned below. For the record, I am neither Person A nor Person B, nor am I the mutual friend in the story. I am just reporting the exchange as Person A was kind enough to send me the email string. Thank you.*

Please vote on who is the bigger A-hole in this situation (Person A or Person B). Use the poll on the top right to vote. Thanks.

Okay so here is some background information. Person A is trying to sell tickets to the Red Sox/Yankees game on June 11th and sends out the following email on June 1st (10 days before the game):

Person A: I'm selling tickets to upcoming Red Sox games. Please let me know if you or anyone you know is interested. First come first served! Thanks!

Thursday, June 11 @ 710pm
New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox
Bleachers Section 37
Row 26
2 tickets for $200 or 4 tickets for $400

Apparently, Person B (through a mutual friend) responds that he will take 2 of the tickets so he and the mutual friend can go to the game. Please note that Person B is also Person A's friend. Please also note that it's pretty obvious that Bleacher seats are not $100 face value so Person B should know what he is getting into.

Fast forward to yesterday (the day of the game). Person B sends this email to Person A:

Person B: Hey Person A, I was just taking a look at the tix this morning on my way out the door and saw they're $26 each. Think you can be a little reasonable on the price...quadrupling your money on us seems excessive. I understand this is your thing and you've gotta make some money on them, but quadruple? Could you double your money and be happy?

Please keep in mind that this is the MORNING OF THE GAME, so it'd be hard for Person A to sell off the tickets if Person B re-negs on the deal. Person A responds with:

Person A: truthfully speaking, my price is very reasonable for sox/yankees tix since it's a rivalry game. i had these tickets listed online and took them down when (mutual friend) emailed me saying you guys wanted the tix. i make most of my money back by selling tix to the big games (ie. Sox/Yankees, summer weekend games, and playoff games) so when i send out a mass email with prices and seat info its so that everyone knows exactly what they are buying.

Sounds reasonable. Person B responds with this gem:

Person B: i hear you. i didnt realize the tix were from you, thought they were from (mutual friend's) work at face value, as he occassionally gets offered and forwards me...otherwise i would have done a little homework if i had any thought i was going to be price gouged. so def my bad on not doing my homework. u'll get ur full quadrupled price. can you give me an address where to mail the check? by the way, for disclosure purposes so it's clear, there's now a $50 entry fee anytime u enter my apartment and beers will be $5 each. but u shouldnt have to worry about it b/c u might as well delete my phone number and email address since i dont consider assholes my friends. this is me speaking, nothing to do with (mutual friend)

So here is the question: Who is the bigger A-hole?

Is it Person A for selling tickets at quadruple face value to a friend, even though the price was clearly established beforehand?
Or is it Person B for getting all upset and handcuffing Person A the day of the game?

For the record, Person B and mutual friend did end up going to the game last night, and frankly, it was probably worth 100 bucks haha.

Please vote on the poll on the right, thank you!!

Which song is better?

2009-06-11T15:42:00.003-04:00

Song is "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson featuring Kanye and Ne-Yo

Original:

Here is the cover:

I'm voting for the acoustic cover version. Still, both songs are solid.

People from Orlando are ugly

2009-06-10T13:09:00.003-04:00

Wow, these people look pretty pumped to be at a Finals game. Is it possible for both the Magic AND the Lakers to lose?

Is this going to happen again this year?

2009-06-10T13:02:00.001-04:00

Farts are funny

2009-06-09T09:05:00.003-04:00

Thought of the day...

2009-06-08T14:46:00.000-04:00

I'm currently talking to big Frank on google chat and we're talking about injuries in sports, in this specific case, baseball. Frank has tickets to next week's Red Sox - Marlins game and was wondering if Hanley Ramirez was going to be playing. I did a little research and noticed that's he's been playing recently with a nagging groin injury. He's been battling through it, even though his performance has been suffering a bit, but at the end of the day he's still doing an adequate job. But what if someone who was healthier replaced him? Would they be better or worse? I guess the answer depends on how good the next guy is. Does he have just as big of a bat or does he get on with weak dribblers? I mean, Hanley Ramirez is a top notch player, so you'd think that an injured Hanley is probably better than a healthy substitute.

So this got me to thinking about other physically demanding things as I wonder if the same questions arise. Naturally, this got me thinking about the porn industry. Let's say you have a guy like Peter North. We'll just say he's like a Hanley Ramirez of porn. He hits all bases, always gets to home, and is a huge threat to demoralize any challengers with a huge load from his big bat. So what happens if he gets diagnosed with a "groin" injury? Does he play through it? Does he sit out and have someone replace him? I mean c'mon, the porn industry is an ever changing and rapidly moving business. They don't have time to wait for Mr. North to fully recuperate before filming the next threesome, gangbang, or all-anal scene. So let's ANALyze this. If he continues to play (bang chicks on film) with his injured groin, he might injure it further or his performance may not be as good. However, if he doesn't play at all and let's someone else replace him, then the fans (people who buy porn) will not cum out to see him (purchase the videos) and his team (whatever porn agency he films for) ends up losing money.

Hanley busting a load on an unsuspecting victim.

This can be compared to the Marlins because if Hanley doesn't play, who's gonna go watch the games? Few, if any. And there goes your whole business model. So at the end of the day, I applaud Hanley Ramirez for playing through the pain and giving his fans something to cheer for. So here's to you Hanley Ramirez: no matter how injured you are, you're still dropping loads!