A Bunch of Shit to Talk About

Yeah, I just dropped a deuce at my office. While I was sitting on the porcelain goddess, I got to thinking about how much I actually crap on any given day. This is what I concluded:

Without fail, I always take a crap when I wake up. That's automatic. I'm not even sure there's been a day in my life in which this didn't occur. It must be because it's been brewing for 8 hours or so while I'm sleeping. So if we're keeping track here, that's 1 deposit. At work, I probably defecate at least 3 times per day. If you think that's a lot, well I'm at work for roughly around 8 hours per day and I eat a couple of meals while I'm there. Plus, my body works on an input/output cycle. Every time something is input into my body (i.e. eating something), something must be output (i.e. DEUCE!). I would imagine other people are like this as well. Or maybe I'm just different. Anyway... So the new, updated count is at 4 shits & giggles so far. One at home and three at work.

Once I get home from work, I get situated, watch some TV, have some dinner, and there we go again. Remember: dinner = input, and input = output. This, in a way, can be explained by Newton's Laws of Motion. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Action = input, reaction = output. Action = eating, reaction = crapping. According to the official stat keeper, that's 5 deuces. Some nights I deuce again, but some nights I don't, so I guess we'll estimate my daily crap total to roughly 5.5 times per day. Is this too high, too low, or just right? I'm interested in hearing other people's war stories and opinions on this matter.

But before I open this up for discussion, I'd like to talk about a day I had last week, which I'd like to call "D-Day". Somehow, I managed to shit 13 times in one day. This is not a lie. It was actually on Halloween Day. I went to the Kells the night before and had been drinking a bunch all night, and I went to bed with a stomach ache. Well, that ended up causing me to wake up 6 times during the course of the night to crap. It was diarrhea central up in that place. So for a formal tally, that's 6 shits BEFORE going to work. I went to work, still had the stomach ache, and shit 5 more times there.

Best part about it was that I excused myself from a meeting at work to "make a phone call". Unbeknownst to them, I was actually in the bathroom ripping myself a new one. Okay, so if you've been paying attention, that's 11 deuces by the time I left work. Tack on a couple more that evening and we were able to achieve a milestone of 13 disgusting acts in one day. So what does that all mean? There needs to be some type of theory to explain this. Well, I've thought of one.

According to the Pythagorean Theorem:



For the interests of this post, we'll read this theorem as "a deuce + b deuce = c deuce". Just because it sounds funny...

My new theorem, the CRAPythagorean Theorem, is a little different. It is as follows:

a = number of home deuces
b = number of work deuces
c = anal status


According to my new theorem, my day of infamy can be represented this way:

a = 8 home deuces
b = 5 work deuces

So the CRAPythagorean Theorem reads:

a deuce + b deuce = c the doctor IMMEDIATELY.


So I guess the moral of the story is that I need to get my ass checked out so I can dump correctly.

Haha he said "dump"...