Poker, Xmas trees, and a lot of Sports

I'd like to talk about Christmas real quick. My roommate Jon and I were feeling some serious holiday spirit so we went to Home Depot on Friday night and picked up a Christmas tree (a real one). It's 8 feet tall at its peak. Only cost 30 bucks, for those of you interested in doing the same thing. We've outfitted it with lights and ornaments. We are so cool. Pictures will be posted soon. We also plan on ordering a Star of David to put on top of the tree. Yes, we know that the Star of David is Jewish. Yes, we know we are not Jewish. This is all I did Friday night. I am a loser. I'm getting myself a hooker for a Christmas present. Tis the season for HO HO HOES!

Also: Tis the season for DO DO DOUGH! I won 2 poker tournaments this weekend. I am retiring from poker because I'm never this lucky. Just kidding about the retirement part. We're probably having people over for poker in the coming weeks. Stay posted.

In other news, if you look at the comment section from my previous post (the guest author), it looks like we got our first taste of haterade:

More sophmoric humor! You know, sometimes one would like to read a little bit about trillion dollar bailouts and failing economic systems, not whether or not a girls nether regions are taken care of. Is this all we have to look forward to from your generation? More questions about the state of our once fine country lies in the echos of double d's and hairy pussies! This speaks strongly to what many of us have thought to ourselves, but have been to afraid to say aloud, and that is that we are DOOMED! Keep up the good work fellas, we are all very proud of you!

December 5, 2008 3:21 PM

This is great for a number of reasons:

1. Once people start criticizing you, it means that you've finally made it!
2. This person must really like my blog to continue to come back to it to read my "sophmoric" humor.
3. Dude, it's spelled "sophomoric".
4. If you really wanted to read about "bailouts" and "failing economic systems", why the hell would you come to this blog to do that? It's fuckin called "Brain Dump" with a reference to defecation.
5. We are DOOMED!

Moving on to sports. This weekend was pretty interesting if you are a sports fan. Not only did we have a massive amount of college football conference championship games, but we also had the De La Hoya/Pacquiao boxing match, the Bruins continuing to win, the Celtics continuing their dominance, some exciting NFL games, and the deadline to accept/reject arbitration for major league baseball free agents.

Let's start off with Saturday, and we know that Saturday equals college football. It looks like all the projections were correct. Florida and Oklahoma are gonna duke it out in the BCS national championship game on January 8, 2009. The Florida/Alabama game on Saturday was pretty close the entire time until Florida pulled away at the end. I was impressed by Alabama because I thought they were going to get smoked (even though they were the #1 ranked team in the country coming in). Congrats Florida, sorry Alabama. Oklahoma also did its job by pounding Missouri. They scored over 60 points for the 5th consecutive game or something like that. This should be one interesting national championship game! Here's a list of the bowl schedule.

Now I'd like to talk about what potentially could've been the worst BCS bowl game in the history of the world: Cincinnati vs. Boston College. The BCS should be ashamed of themselves for having such a horrible system. These automatic bids for the "BCS" conferences is such a joke. Cincinnati isn't even that good. And then you have Boston College play Virgina Tech for the ACC title, and the winner of that crap fest was going on to play Cincinnati. All 3 of these teams are not BCS bowl material, but if anything, Virginia Tech deserves to be there because they had to suffer the Seung-Hui Cho incident. If you don't know what that is, google the name and you'll remember.

Let me say something: BC fans are terrible. They are not "superfans" as they call themselves. They don't even travel to road games, and their enthusiasm at home games is atrocious. I know because I've been to 2 games at BC. It's like a morgue in there. Plus, they have got to be the most arrogant fans in the entire country. I don't know why they think their teams are so good. The only sports they consistently have a chance of winning a national title in are hockey and men's soccer. Back to football. You should not be BCS bowl eligible if your fans are as non-diehard as BC fans. Fortunately though, Virginia Tech smacked them and at least made the Orange Bowl somewhat acceptable because there may actually be fans from both teams there, unlike what would've happened if BC won.

And fittingly, guess what happened. BC is playing in the GAYLORD HOTELS Music City Bowl. Enough said. The following video is the best thing that happened during this game. It is a player celebrating after the kicker was good on a 50 yard field goal:



Saturday night consisted of the Bruins smacking the Florida Panthers 4-0 and MANNY PACQUIAO destroying Oscar De La Hoya. This guy is no joke. Manny Pacquiao is incredible. Best pound for pound boxer right now. Good thing I lived with Filipinos in college because they introduced me to Pacquiao about 4-5 years ago. This man is the truth. I'd fight him... HAHA.

Ouch!

The NFL slate of games yesterday was pretty good. There were a bunch of close games, and on top of that, fantasy football playoffs were happening to a lot of people as well. Fortunately for me, I had a bye week since I finished in the top 2 of the league. Thank you very much. As for the real games, the Patriots looked like an old and beaten team for most of the game, but then realized that they were playing the 2-win Seahawks and pulled it out at the end. The Cowboys somehow blew a 13-3 lead in the last 7 minutes of the game, the Giants and Jets both lost (woohoo!) and Indy is becoming dominant again (dammit!). Add to the fact that I won a poker tournament, ate a shitload of tacos, drank a bunch of beer, and watched my Celtics crush the Pacers spirits in overtime, my Sunday was pretty good.

The Winter Meetings start today for major league baseball. Looks like all the big name free agents rejected arbitration from their respective teams last night. Basically, the team offers a player arbitration to protect itself in case that player signs with another team. If so, the team gets compensatory draft picks in return. For more information about the specifics of arbitration and how it is handled, look it up yourself haha. It'd be nice if the Red Sox could sign another big bat. There are many media reports saying that the Sox are interested in Mark Texeira, but I have no idea where he'd play. Youkilis is at first base already and reports indicate that Mike Lowell is progressing nicely from his offseason hip surgery. But hey, I guess you can never have too much depth. Problem is, we're not gonna put people who have 8 figure contracts on the bench just for "depth". We'll see what happens here, maybe they trade Lowell, I don't know.

Finally, according to the current poll results, it looks like I'll be writing my next topic of the week regarding "Pick up lines real vs. fake". There's still 1 day left to vote. Remember, your vote counts here!

I Love Cats!

Considering my writing is pretty crappy (literally and figuratively), I'm sure all of you have been anticipating our featured Guest Author, who happens to be one of the funniest people I know. I think my work pales in comparison to what I just received, so hopefully this person can create their own blog and/or continue to contribute to my blog regularly. This is some good ass shit. Without edits, here it is...

When Mr. Potato Head approached to be a guest author on his little blog, I was very excited. One, I get to try this “blogging” thing that the kids are so crazy about on the Intraweb; two, it gives me an outlet for my inappropriate thoughts; and three, I can do my share in this tough economic climate by helping the tax base of Massachusetts recoup some of Mr. Potato Head’s state sponsored time so he can do some work for the Commonwealth instead of blogging about defecation.

I then asked him about a topic that I could write about. Bam! We swung right for the fence; no little rants about how the idiots buying scratch tickets hold up the line at the local 7-11, or deep thoughts on how far our country has come in electing the first minority president. Nope – we go right off the high dive platform of the inappropriate pool with a little essay about Hairy pussies versus the Landing Strip versus the Bald Eagle.

(None of these pussies were harmed during creation of this blog entry)

Mr. Potato Head, without prompting, offered me the option of posting this article anonymously. I liked this and took him up on his offer as it will lessen the chance of Ted Kennedy bringing this up in our Senatorial election debate in 2012. Also, in today’s PC climate, where a bush league clown like Sean Avery can get away with his on-ice shenanigans (and continue to pull high quality trim at that) but get suspended over words; one can't be too careful.

When thinking about the layout of this article, I very much would've liked to have followed the format of the Boobies post, but this proved to be difficult. All three categories of the pubic grooming (or lack thereof) styles are special and excellent in their own way; in my opinion, they are very much like Arnold Schwarzenegger movies – they are full of life lessons and can teach us about the World and about ourselves (BTW, I do not acknowledge the existence of the movie Junior).

Without further ado, let us get to the topic at hand:

Hairy Pussy Vs. the Landing Strip Vs. the Bald Eagle

The Hairy Pussy

Pros:

They are natural, wild, and low maintenance. This tells me that the girl is comfortable with who she is, and lessens the chance of having to answer the question “Do you think I'm fat?” To be honest, most girls who don't shave are not that hairy anyways; and for those who have the forest, most guys will still hit it. Sure it conjures up the image of Chewbacca, howling hopelessly as the gates of the west entrance of the Hoth rebel base close for the night as Luke and Han are trapped outside with the temperature rapidly dropping. But beneath that carpet lays the same happy spot and euphoric feeling one felt when Rogue Two uttered the elated words “Echo Base, this is Rogue two. I found them, Repeat, I found them.”

Cons:

When you are really hairy, you lend yourself to be the victim of cruel sophomoric nicknames like “wookiee crotch”.

Susan, if you are reading this, come on, you have to admit it was funny hearing it at that keg party.

The Landing Strip

Pros:

The gold standard of adult entertainment. If she has a luxury car brand as a first name, chances are she has a landing strip.

I like order, I like a sense of direction; I like the symmetry of it.

The landing strip shows that a girl is willing to put in the effort and time for personal grooming – even though sometimes the rest of the package is lacking. Hey, sometimes the team may suck, but it’s nice to be the visitor on a well groomed field.

Cons:

It is too common; it gets old quick when you see it every time you open a browser or visit a club. Or it could just be me and the places I visit; but usually my attention is quickly drawn away by a pair of 34 D fake breasts.

The Bald Eagle

Pros:

The girl is a super freak, yes, the kind you don't take home to mother. There is a good possibility that she'll agree to the suggestion of girl on girl action with the Brazilian twins you met at the ball game. Or she may just be twelve years old.

Cons:

The girl might be hiding something; crabs perhaps? There is also a good chance that she may be referred to as “sloppy seconds” by someone on a pre-game interview.

Also, it really sucks waiting in the car outside of the middle school for her to get out of class. It's both awkward and time consuming.

(Britney, the bald eagle is when you shave downstairs, not the HEAD!!!!)

So there we have it! The first guest entry (hopefully not the last). I want to say thank you to our anonymous blogger. For the record, I would prefer my women groomed in this order:

1. Bald eagle
2. Landing strip
3. Hairy pussy

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

TGIF

I am very excited to announce that we will be having a guest author post a blog entry later today. I will not spoil the suspense by announcing what the topic will be, so you're just going to have to wait for it to be posted. If I didn't mention it already, I am more than happy to post content from guest authors, so if you would like to write something that you want featured on this blog, please email me and I will post it completely unedited and anonymous (if you so choose).

In other news:

• The Patriots just resigned Roosevelt Colvin and are on the verge of resigning Junior Seau. This is either a genius idea to keep those bodies fresh so they can help us in the stretch run OR this is an act of desperation. I guess we shall see...
• The perfect Christmas gift for basketball aficionados.
• Let's just forget the regular season and have the Celtics and Lakers play for the championship RIGHT NOW.
• The Bruins are making a run at joining the 21st Century Boston championship tradition. They keep finding a way to win. This team is tough, gritty, and full of confidence. Milan Lucic is my hero, watch this clip. By the way, my hometown of Stoneham might become the new Bruins practice facility!
• Big things could be happening soon for the Red Sox as the winter meetings are set to begin. Follow their news on the Red Sox blog.

And finally, there is a new Pro At Cooking video that was released a couple of weeks ago. This guy refuses to disappoint me:





Please stay posted for our guest author!

Quick update

It looks like there's still 5 days left to vote on the current poll and we've already had 10 responses. This is great. Keep it up. Whatever wins will be what I write about next week (no shit, right?)

Last night I was thinking of doing a running diary (a la the Sports Guy) while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Basically, a running diary is when you watch an event (live or on TV) and write your thoughts and comments as to what is going on throughout the duration of said event (comments are marked with a time stamp to give the reader some context). I started to write it, but the only thing I kept writing was "Damn, this girl is smokin' hot" and "Yup, I'd do her", so in the end I decided to scrap it and just write a few comments:

• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• I want to be Usher
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• I want to propose that all girls wear the "Miracle Bra"
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• Can somebody please shut off the fuckin headset audio? It's so damn annoying to hear that crap while I'm trying to focus on T&A.

All things considered, this may have been the greatest hour of my life. There's a chance that my hand may have went down my pants once or twice during the show. Hey, if it didn't happen then people would be questioning my sexuality. Just sayin'...

So back to that running diary idea. As you all know, I have a shitting problem. This becomes an issue when I go to places/events in which I cannot access "acceptable facilities" for more than a couple hours (ie. golfing, professional sports events, concerts, bars, basically everywhere other than home or work). My roommate Jon told me that a bunch of his friends take anti-diarrhea medicine before tailgating for football games and it supposedly works like a charm. So what I'm going to do is try out this anti-diarrhea medicine and do a running diary as to how I feel, if it stops me from shitting, and other results (as experienced).



This running diary may even happen this weekend. Not sure yet. I'll keep you all posted...

Today's move of the day

I just took a dump in the bathroom of Pho Hoa.

The women's bathroom...

80085

First of all, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. I ate so much food that I gained 5 pounds since last week, which makes me look more disgusting than I already did. Contrary to initial hopes and aspirations, I did not stuff any ladies like Thanksgiving turkeys. I did, however, manage to drink myself silly Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night, so naturally, I now have a cold.

Thanks to everyone for voting in the latest poll. According to popular demand, it looks like I'll be blogging a couple of times per week. However, I am concerned that the result of my poll was almost "Your blog sucks. I hope you die." Actually, I'm not that concerned. I did create that answer as an option so it only makes sense that people would click on it. But for some reason, if you really do hate my blog and wish that I would die, then let me know so I can increase my blogging to "daily".

Work has been pretty hectic lately. I've been working on this project to integrate web content from about 16 different state agencies into one website. The long and short of it is that it's a pain in the ass. Good thing I have a team of people who are really good at what they do, so it's making this project much less of a burden than it could've been. But there's no denying that it sucks. Either way, it has seriously been affecting the amount of time I have to post entries. I know this makes you all sad (well, other than the people who want me dead haha), but don't worry, I will make time to blog at least twice a week from now on. Last week was a one post week due to the Holiday circumstances. Watch out, if I get crazy, this could be a three post week!

In light of paragraph 1, I took it upon myself to go to the gym today after work. As I mentioned before, I have a membership at Boston Sports Clubs (BSC), one of which is located down the street from my office. So I walked in, did a quick full body workout, showered and started to head out. I walk over to the staircase (which is pretty narrow) and see that this girl is coming down the stairs. Instead of walking up the stairs and making it a tight situation, I step away from the staircase to let her make it to the bottom before I start going up. She acknowledges my gentleman gesture with a "thank you" head nod. I started to smile, which quickly turned into a look of concern as she tripped over her feet and fell down the stairs. Fortunately for her, she only fell down about 4 steps. Unfortunately for her, it was in front of about 20 people, and I had a front row seat of her basically flipping over. She was okay though. I helped her up and she was on her way. For the record, CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD. But it definitely is hurting haha.

I'm sure many, if not all, of you are wondering why the hell I titled this entry "80085". If you were wondering whether or not I was referring to a zip code, well you are wrong. If you think that's how much I weigh, wrong again. And if you think that's how much my salary is, then you're an idiot and you are wrong once more. "80085" is the only way you can type "BOOBS" into a calculator. Hey, I was bored as a young kid. This is what I learned in math class. I also learned the term "1 sixteen year old doing a 69 three times (11669 x 3) equals 35007. Well, if you flip the calculator upside down, it gives you the answer: LOOSE. Yes, this is my life.

So this brings us to today's topic...

Real boobs vs. fake boobs vs. small boobs vs. big boobs

Just as an FYI, for some reason I didn't even come up with this topic idea. I wish I did, but I have to give credit to my buddy Ashley for thinking this one up. Thank you Ashley.

Let's see. I don't really know where to begin here. I guess I'd like to say that (like everything else) this is just my opinion on the chest situation and everyone else is entitled to their own opinion and preference.

Actually, let's get this out of the way. I am an ASS guy. There is nothing finer to me than a perfectly sculpted rear end. Unlike boobs, most girls have to work hard to get a nice rear end. With boobs, girls have this option of something called "implants" which is kind of like cheating. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy boobs as well, but let's be clear here. It's my duty to please the booty.

For those who prefer boobs, here's your motto: What I like best is a nice full chest.

Okay, here is my unbiased account of the different types of boobs via a pro/con analysis and concluding thoughts:

Real Boobs

Pros: they are natural, they can be big or small (life is like a set of real boobs, you never know what you're gonna get!), they are usually proportional to a woman's body, and I'm assuming they are safer for breastfeeding

Cons: sometimes they can be too big (causing back problems), sometimes they can be too small (chest flatter than a guy's), and they can be deformed of just flabby (which might be a larger concern: fat and out of shape people)

Fake Boobs

Pros: they are bigger than real boobs (it's impossible to have fake boobs that are smaller than real boobs. making your boobs smaller would be called a breast reduction, which doesn't incorporate fake parts), they can be shaped perfectly to account for any deformities or lack of symmetry, they make life better for everyone (by everyone, i mean "GUYS), it's a good way for a women to move up the corporate ladder, and who doesn't like cleavage? (this kinda plays to the "make life better for everyone" position)

Cons: read this (NSFW) <---- that means "Not Safe For Work"

Small Boobs (aka Asian Boobs)

Pros: no back problems, nothing bouncing in your way as you go about your daily activities, some guys like small boobs (possibly because they can't score a chick with big boobs. this is debateable), they keep the attention on your face ladies

Cons: most guys don't like small boobs (well, not necessarily. if they had the choice between small boobs vs. bigger boobs, they'd take the bigger ones. but if it wasn't an option, they'd settle for the small boobs if the girl had a good "personality"), small boobs may make you look like a guy (although you probably need a butch haircut to go with that), a nice rack seems like it could be fun to play with

Big Boobs (aka Non-Asian Boobs)

Pros: there's nothing like a good handful, they help a girl fill out a tight shirt correctly, they probably don't produce more breast milk than smaller boobs but they sure seem like they could (see term: JUGS), an ugly girl (facewise) could then become more socially acceptable, i can use them as pillows, and there's this term that people like to use: tittyfuck

Cons: back problems if they are too big, anything bigger than D cup might look kinda ridiculous, I don't want to get smacked in the face and knocked out (for the record, I don't mind getting smacked in the face by them, as long as I don't get knocked out)

So here are the possible combinations of boobs:

• small, real boobs (probably not the best case scenario for a woman)


• small, fake boobs (must be larger than before the implants, but can still be small I guess)


• big, real boobs


• big, fake boobs

Even though I stated earlier that I'm an ass guy, I still enjoy a nice set of knockers. So I guess at the end of the day, I prefer bigger boobs to smaller boobs. It doesn't matter if they are real or fake. What is of real importance to me is the woman's body type. I don't like girls who are skeleton thin and I don't like girls who are fat. Everything in between is within my realm of possibilities. My perfect girl is a girl who's got a nice toned body, phenomenal ass, a decent set of 80085, and a pretty face. Come to think of it, I think that's what every guy would say their perfect girl would be.




Here is my conclusion: Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. Some prefer big, some prefer small. Some prefer real, some prefer fake. What matters here is that boobs do not make this world go round. Vagina does.

Please take the real breast vs. fake breast test (NSFW!)when you have time. I got 10 right and 10 wrong, which gives me an even 50% accuracy. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Please let me know how you scored. Also, please let me know if you have any pros/cons to add to the boob analysis. Thank you.

Sorry for the delay

There will be a new post tonight everybody. Stay tuned...