4th of July weekend recap Part I

I finally found the time to write about the July 4th weekend. Here is what transpired:

Quick disclaimer: All of the events portrayed did actually happen, but they happened from my perspective. I may have remembered some things incorrectly only because it's hard to recall things that happened when I was hammered. If so, please let me know and I can update the specifics. Also, in the context of this recap, I redacted some personal identifying information (some last names, some first names, etc.), where necessary, in an effort to make sure this blog isn't in the spotlight in case one of you ever becomes famous. Happy reading...

Friday morning/afternoon (7/3/09)

I woke up at around 7:30 (after staying out until 2am drinking at the Kells the night before), dropped a big time deuce, finished packing, showered, then headed over to meet up with big Frank Cho and the UNH-hooter-recruiter Mister E. Secor (for comedic and pronunciation purposes, we'll call him Seek-Whore). We watched a little bit of Wimbledon at the Chestnut Hill pad then decided to hit the road shortly after 9am. We piled into Secor's 2 door coupe and threw the address to the hotel into the GPS and it gave us an estimated time of arrival of 2pm. Five hours, not too bad.

On the way, we realized that none of us had eaten so we stopped off at the Framingham rest stop on the Mass Pike at a McDonald's. A smart person would order something that wouldn't make them want to shit soon after eating it. Naturally, being the dumb idiot that I am, I ordered the "Big Breakfast" which consisted of a hash brown, 2 eggs, sausage, and buttermilk biscuits. So about a half hour after we got back on the road, I obviously had to take a shit. Clearly I didn't want to derail our trip, so I did what most people do when they have to go to the bathroom but need to wait it out.

I'm lovin' it!

I forced myself to fall asleep.

Now I know you all were thinking I was going to shit my pants or stick my ass out of the window or something, but c'mon, I'm not that disgusting. Wait, yes I am, but I didn't resort to those measures. So about an hour later, we decided to pit stop since the other fellas had to take leaks and thankfully I was able to unload the kids at the pool (translation: drop a deuce). We got back in the car and made our way to Syracuse without another pit stop.

Some observations from the ride:

• Secor is a very responsible driver, and by responsible, I mean he drives no faster than 65mph. Fortunately, we had plenty of Avril Lavigne tunes to keep us occupied (that was sarcasm). To be fair, Secor did have some solid music and it was a pretty smooth ride. Thanks for driving!
  
  
• Frank is hilarious when he falls asleep. He had some serious bobblehead action going on, you know where you're sleeping and your head tilts to one side and you catch yourself falling and tilt the other way until you catch yourself falling and around and around we go.

Frank Cho bobblehead!

We checked into the hotel around 2:30, waited for Frank's gf Hanh to show up (she was coming from Buffalo), then spent the rest of the afternoon eating pizza, going to the mall and picking up Hanh's friend Sonya from the airport. By the time we got back to the hotel, everyone else (about 15 of us total) had shown up so we decided to grab some dinner.

Friday night (7/3/09)

We ended up going to this restaurant called Dinosaur BBQ. Apparently it's a really popular place because there was an hour wait when we got there. So, in order to pass the time, we did what any typical group would do: we started drinking. I think we sat down to eat around 8pm and everyone essentially feasted on some real good BBQ such as pulled pork, beef brisket, ribs, etc. If you're around the Boston area, the best comparison is Blue Ribbon BBQ. Dinosaur BBQ is essentially the same type of food, but a much bigger place with a full bar.

We left dinner, some of us buzzed from the alcohol, then headed over to Armory Square to continue the drinking. Apparently, Armory Square is this 2 block area where all the bars/clubs are supposed to be. Well, the place sucked. It was basically a dump, with hardly any people out enjoying any night life. This is most likely due to the fact that we were in a college town and Syracuse University was no longer in session. Still, I found it to be unacceptable, but we were not giving up hope on a good night.

This shirt is self explanatory.

About an hour after we settled into one of the dive bars there (I'm being told it was called "The Blue Tusk"), our prayers for an entertaining evening were answered, not by beautiful women frolicking through the bar, but amazingly by a homeless black man with a guitar. This was not any ordinary homeless man though. This was a homeless man who could sing the likes of Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye, and other classic artists. So being the lively bunch that we were, we decided to pay him money to continue playing for over an hour while we danced and sang along like the drunk assholes that we were. Clearly, we were the life of the party. It was quite the scene.

One quick note: I'd like to commend all of the other people from Syracuse for not joining in on the sing-a-long or any other aspect of the evening. All you did was sit there at your tables and pretend like the greatest thing in the world was not happening right in front of your eyes. To the people of Syracuse: you all can suck a dick. It's like they were allergic to fun or something.

After the homeless guy walked away with a bunch of our money, 2 little kids decided to show up and try to swindle some more money from us. The first kid offered to do a backflip if we'd give him a dollar. Unimpressed, we declined. The next kid said he'd freestyle for a dollar, so we took him up on his offer. Naturally, like the rest of the people from Syracuse (minus the homeless guy), this kid sucked. I mean, granted he was like 7 years old, but if you're gonna be charging a dollar for your services, you better come correct.

So after he finished spewing some bullshit, I gave him a dollar but my buddy Kevin refused to give him a dollar claiming that he didn't deserve it. The little black kid then got all pissed and started yelling at Kevin, to which Kevin responded by getting up from his chair and proceeding to do one of the best drunk-white-man freestyles I've ever seen in my life, right back into the kid's face. I don't remember much of it, but I remember that at one point he said something like "pussy come, pussy go, it's like a merry-go-round, yo". All I know is that I completely lost it at that point. I honestly couldn't stop laughing as much as a tried.

These are not the kids mentioned above.

To make matters worse, the little kid was walking away with some older black chick, probably in her late teens or early 20s and Frank decides to yell "smack that ass!" in their direction. This received a response of "watch yo' mouf!" followed by the little kid running right up to the back of Frank's head and screaming at him. Again, I couldn't stop laughing. For the record, the previous few paragraphs were not meant to demean black people. I am just reporting the specifics.

So finally after those kids left, we decided to leave the bar. Half of the group took a cab back to the hotel. I was not part of that half of the group. As soon as we got into the taxi, Kevin yells "hey taxi driver, take us to the nearest strip club please!" We were then presented with two options that created a dilemma. We could either go to a strip club that was only topless but had a bar or we could go to a strip club that had fully nude chicks, but no alcohol. Of course we chose the one with alcohol. Who needs to see bush anyway?

We get to this strip club called "Alpine" and it may have been the shittiest setup I have ever seen. The bar area was really small and there was a small stage, with a few rows of chairs in front of it that were basically one grade higher than folding chairs. A few of us sat in the front row, which was clearly marked off as "tipping area only", or as most people like to call it: Perv Row.

Quick note: It appears that the "Fantasy God" Dodson is either really shy or a strip club novice because we had strippers groping him and begging him to slap them in the ass and he continually slapped them with no effort whatsoever. Either he was nervous or just too much of a gentleman (highly unlikely). These chicks probably had an easier time getting aroused by a bee sting. Naturally, the other fellas picked up the slack by taking full wind up swings and slapping ass like we were trying to leave a hand imprint up in that. Dodson, I am disappointed in you.

There were a few good looking girls who danced, namely the one with the American Flag panties, but for the most part the chicks all had stretch marks from being pregnant. So for some reason, I took that as a cue to get a lap dance. The stripper and I walked back to the "VIP lounge" which consisted of 4 black leather couches in a tiny ass room. There was nothing VIP about it. The couches were also all being used so I had to sit there and do the unthinkable: carry on a conversation with a stripper for 10-15 minutes. Who does that?


While we were waiting, a bunch of the guys left to go back to the hotel so the only people who stayed were Eric, Kevin and myself. When I finally got into the VIP room, the stripper threw me on the couch and I proceeded to motorboat her, spank her, you know the usual stuff. Actually, it isn't really the usual stuff but I was hammered so I didn't care. Apparently, she didn't either. Near the end of my dance, something caught my eye and forced me to look left. Now typically, when I'm getting a lap dance, nothing will distract me away from the T&A in my face, but for some reason I had to look over. I look over and I see Kevin with his fuckin shirt off, waving it around like Jason Biggs from American Pie, GIVING THE STRIPPER A LAP DANCE. I couldn't help but laugh my ass off as he was jamming her face in his crotch, dry humping her, and getting dollars thrown at him by the other strippers. What a class act he is.

Apparently, the stripper (her name was apparently "Lola") enjoyed it so much that she REJECTED Eric's attempt to get a lap dance from her just so she could spend time outside with Kevin smoking cigarettes. No joke: Eric literally held out a $20 bill in front of her face, asking for a lap dance, and she walked right by him clearly smitten with Kevin. So apparently, after talking with Lola for awhile, it appears that Kevin mustered up the courage to ask for her digits. But he didn't just say "hey, can I call you sometime?" like a normal person would. He instead went with the timeless classic of "hey, do you want to get some coffee sometime?" which somehow actually worked. This is funny on a number of levels:

1. Strippers don't drink coffee. They don't even wake up until the afternoon. They are nocturnal.
2. Out of all of the possible pick-up lines, how did he end up with this one?
3. Who the hell would want to drink coffee with a stripper anyway?

Her stage name was Lola but under cross-examination it was revealed that her real name is "Rikki", which most likely is her backup stage name. We then proceeded to call it a night (Kevin with number in hand), but before we left we each took turns slapping this girl on the ass for some reason, and as we walked towards the exit, she took off her bra and threw it at Kevin, landing on his head. High comedy. We finally left, took a taxi back to the hotel, and crashed around 2-3am. There are reports that I almost killed Frank, Hanh, and Sonya with the most disgusting fart of mankind when I got back home. I started by giving Frank the dutch oven, and then when he scrambled to shake the blankets off of him, it wafted the smell to the other side of the room, nearly suffocating Hanh and Sonya. A proud ending to an eventful night...

Part II coming tomorrow...