Fun Friday Features

Try saying THAT 10 times fast. Anyway, I was pretty happy with the material I could post this week. I wrote over 5,000 words and frankly, I'm pooped. But I still have some material. Here we go...

I hate this bitch

First and foremost, I went to the Red Sox game on Wednesday night with Frank, Hanh, and Jackie. It was a pretty good game as we ended up winning 5-4, Big Papi had a 3 run bomb, Wakefield pitched well again, and Papelbon had another shaky save. The only problem was that I didn't even care if we won or lost, I just wanted to get the hell outta there. Now why would I say such a thing? Well, the reason why is because this C U Next Tuesday ("CUNT" for all of you slow people) would not shut the fuck up.

This fuckin chick was clearly wasted and keep yelling and screaming over and over again with a deep, man-sounding voice every 5 seconds for the final 3 innings of the game. It was so loud and obnoxious that everyone in our section kept looking at her in disgust. I actually offered the lady sitting behind me 5 dollars to fight her. She was so oblivious to the fact that I (well everyone else too) was annoyed that I actually stood up and offered anyone in the stands 5 dollars to kill me or punch me in the face, preferably the ear drum. No one took the offer but they all clearly understood the predicament I was in.

Me and my favorite fan

And then she got into a shouting match with a girl wearing an Oakland A's "Huston Street" t-shirt. As this drunk bitch was yelling "scoreboard" to the A's fan, she stumbled into the row below, basically leaning onto a couple of 8 year old kids. It was almost as funny as seeing Doody plow into that chick in the elevator (see previous post). See, I hate these pink-hat-wearing, fair weather fans who don't know what the fuck they're talking about and try to rub it in the faces of opposing fans now that the Red Sox are an annual powerhouse. Selfishly, I was almost hoping that the A's would win (it's only one game, right?) so that she'd shut the fuck up and go away. Or better yet, kill herself. She definitely needs a big black cock permanently lodged down her throat from now on.

Email exchange of the week

(courtesy of dontevenreply.com)

From the creator of the site: This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded.

This is just one of many solid email exchanges... Enjoy

Original ad:

I bought this GE refrigerator a few years ago, but just got a new one for my kitchen and no longer need it. It still works perfectly and is very large, perfect as your main fridge for a kitchen. I'm asking $300 for it. I am located in Brooklyn, but will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee.

Email Exchange:

From Mike Partlow to ************@**********.org

Hello,

I am very interested in your fridge. Is it still available? If so, how much would you charge to deliver it to my place in the city?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

Yes mike it is still available. I will deliver it for an extra $50. where is your place located?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

I want it delivered to my office on the 67th floor of the ********* Building on **rd st and **********. Now I am pretty sure that the fridge won't fit in the elevator, and if it does, it would exceed the weight capacity, so you will have to carry it up the stairs. I hope this won't be a problem.

When can you deliver it? I work Monday-Friday 9-5 and can be there any time. I do need it sooner rather than later, however.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

that is absurd. Im not going to heave this very heavy fridge up 67 flights of stairs. Dosent your building have a cargo/utility elevator?

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, you don't have to lug it up 67 flights of stairs. There is a loading bay around back that starts on the 2nd floor, and I'm pretty sure this building does not count the 13th floor. So you are really only carrying it up 65 flights of stairs. There was a cargo elevator, but building management has told me that I am never allowed to use it again after I attempted to bring my motorcycle up to my office. They don't let just anyone use it anymore, so that isn't an option.

From marty ******* to Me

absolutely not. do you have any idea how heavy this thing is? why do you even need a full size fridge in your office? just buy one of those small mini fridges.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

You are obviously not a very good salesman if you are trying to suggest I buy something else instead of your product. How is that working out for you? Do you make a lot of money that way?

Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot afford rent in my apartment anymore and am slowly trying to move into my office so I can live out of there. I plan on disguising the fridge as a filing cabinet so my company will not get suspicious. If anyone asks you what you are doing when you are moving it into my office, just tell them that you are delivering my new filing cabinet. Try to tuck the power cord under the fridge so they don't realize that it is actually a fridge.

How does next Tuesday work? I am free all day.

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

mike I don't think you understood me. I am NOT delivering the fridge to your office. it's way too big and heavy, and I doubt you will find anyone willing to carry it up to the 67th floor.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty,

I'm sorry, I must have misread your ad. I could have sworn it said "will be willing to deliver it up to 25 miles for a small fee." Am I crazy, or did your ad say that?

I don't recall it saying "will be willing to deliver it as long as your building isn't too big and scary for my weak little body to carry it."

From marty ******* to Me

Hey listen asshole. You are a Fuckin idiot if you honestly think somebody will do this. It has nothing to do with strength it is just an insane request. the only way you will get a fucking fridge up there is with an elevator. fuck off.

From Mike Partlow to marty *******

Marty, I get what you are saying. It doesn't have anything to do with strength, because even my 120 lb ex-wife could carry this thing up. It is clearly a lack of motivation. You need to be in the right mindset to be able to do this.

Tell you what, I'll stand behind you as you carry it up, and shout encouraging motivational words at you to keep you going. I'll say things like "c'mon Marty, you can do it! You're almost there!" and "don't give up!" I'll even bring a few bottles of Gatorade in case you get thirsty. What flavor do you want? I have frost and orange, but I really don't recommend orange because it doesn't even taste like Gatorade.

So see you Tuesday?

Mike

From marty ******* to Me

shut the fuck up.

Classic stuff...

Weekend Plans

It looks like I'm going white water rafting on Saturday morning/afternoon, followed by UFC 100 at Big Pete's Saturday night. Sunday is all softball all the time, so hopefully I'll have something good to report on Monday.

Actually, I have a new Who's the Bigger A-Hole? coming next week so look out for that one. Have a nice weekend everybody!