Sometimes I crack myself up

Snippet of a chat I had with a friend a few minutes ago:

2:53 PM Friend: i just found out (college name redacted) owes me $350

me: for what

Friend: the (state name redacted) treasury collected it

i have no idea why

2:54 PM some kinda refund

back in 2004

don't even know whether it had to do with grad school or something

it would've been awesome if they said that i had $100k waiting for me

7 minutes

3:02 PM me: yeah ok

3:03 PM it was probably the "guaranteed to get laid in college" $350 down payment that u submitted prior to freshman year

Friend: hahahaha

me: typically they don't have to refund people, but your's was a special case

7 minutes

3:10 PM Friend: yea... FML

haha

3:11 PM what i should do is

take that $350

and buy myself a lay

haha

3:12 PM me: lol

This is my life...

I'm in the mood for an espresso...

 

Source: Foxnews.com

Five bikini-clad baristas in Everett, Wash., face prostitution charges after police said that they served up more than just hot coffee at an espresso stand, Q13FOX.com reported.

Later in the article...

"For extra money these women would expose their entire body. If they were wearing a bikini they would either take it off or at least lower it. There were some allegations... Complaints from our citizens that they were performing whip cream shows between two women," Everett Police Sergeant Robert Goetz told Q13 FOX News.

But Bill Wheeler, the owner of the Grab-N-Go, is defending his business — explaining that the women who work at the espresso stand each sign agreements guaranteeing that they will not behave inappropriately.

Last time I checked, showing your tits and pussy, while also doing whip cream shows, was not considered "prostitution". What kind of laws do they have in Everett, Washington? I was expecting to read an article about these baristas giving road head and shit. Boy was I disappointed...

But at the same time, this is one of the best business ideas I've ever heard of. You have hot chicks in bikinis serving you espresso. I don't even drink espresso, but let me tell you something. If I lived in Everett, Washington I would be drinking espresso 5 fuckin times a day, MINIMUM.

Now the real question is, when they fuck are they gonna expand this business to the East Coast? I mean, if Sonic was able to move to Massachusetts, I'm pretty sure "Grab-N-Go" can do the same. Hey Bill Wheeler, hurry the fuck up!

Everybody get ready to fuck!!!!

Source: CNN.com

In what is being called the world's largest HIV vaccine trial ever, researchers found that people who received a series of inoculations of a prime vaccine and booster vaccine were 31 percent less likely to get HIV, compared with those on a placebo.

Later in the article...

The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.

Apparently, researchers are getting closer to developing a vaccine to prevent HIV. Now this is what science is supposed to be used for! Now I hope they hurry the F up because I don't want to bang some gross chick, get infected with HIV, then find out the next day that they just developed a vaccine that would've prevented me from pulling a Magic Johnson. Speaking of which, does anyone find it funny that his name was "Magic Johnson"? No wonder why he scored so many chicks. They probably wanted to find out how magical his Johnson really was. Anyway, I'll keep ya'll posted on how this vaccine development progresses.

By the way, I love how they tested this in Thailand for two reasons:

• It's the STD capital of the world
• Why infect Americans when we can infect non-Americans?

Last note: I've been slacking on blogging lately because I'm starting to get burnt out trying to post every single day. My material was starting to get watered down and pretty weak, so I'm just going to blog whenever I see fit from now on, but I'm gonna bring that FIYAH for you. I'll be blogging at least once a week though, so check back regularly.

25 down, 8 more to go...

Take off the gloves! Take off the gloves!

The Sox beat the Orioles last night by a score of 3-1. Buchholz started for the Sox, and even though he wasn't as dominant as his previous few starts, he still held the lowly Orioles to 1 run over 6 innings. The bullpen took over from there. Coming into the night, the magic number was 11 to clinch a playoff berth. With the Sox win and the Texas loss, the magic number is down to 9. So for any of you who don't know what the magic number means, it means that any combination of Red Sox wins and Texas losses (totaling 9) will get the Red Sox in the playoffs. Giddy up.

By the way, tonight is the Mayweather-Marquez fight. I am a huge Mayweather fan and he looked ridiculous in yesterday's weigh-in. Marquez better be ready because Money May looks sharp!

More bulletin board material for the Patriots...

I don't get it. Every team is afraid of the Patriots, they try to model their franchises after us, and then their players continually provide us with bulletin board material as if we weren't motivated enough to begin with. Here's Kerry Rhodes today:

"You go out from the first quarter on, from the first play on, and try to embarrass them. Not just go out there and try to win, try to embarrass them. Try to make them feel bad when they leave here. We don't want to just beat them. We want to send a message to them, 'We're not backing down from you and we expect to win this game, and it's not going to be luck, it's not going to be a mistake.' "

It's not even that bad of a quote, but why even say it? That's the problem with teams that are coached poorly. They are allowed to shoot their mouths off and then have to stick their foots in there once they get humiliated.

Patriots by 2 touchdowns this Sunday...

24 down, 9 more to go...

Kourtney Kardashian is the hottest in her family... by far

Somehow the Red Sox pulled it out last night. I don't even know what to say about the game. We had Paul Byrd pitching, his first 5 outs were loud outs (deep fly balls and hard line drives), we were down 3-0 in the 6th again Joe Saunders who had won 4 in a row, the Angels needed this win badly, yet somehow we pulled this one out of our asses. After exploding for 5 runs in the 6th to take a 5-3 lead, we promptly gave it right back (and then some) by allowing the Angels to score 4 unearned runs in the 7th due to a horrible Varitek passed ball on strike 3 of what would've been the 3rd out. We then managed to tie the game with 2 clutch runs in the bottom of the 8th, only to give the lead right back when the Angels connected for three consecutive 2-out hits in the 9th to go back up 8-7.

In the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs and nobody on base, the rally began. Ortiz walked, JD Drew somehow got jammed on a 3-1 pitch that he KNEW was going to be a fastball but still managed to squeeze out an infield hit, Jed Lowrie pinch hit and ripped one down the third base line that Chone Figgins miraculously blocked by couldn't do anything with (bases now loaded), and then Nick Green had an epic at bat where he took a pitch RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE on a full count and somehow it was called a ball (TIE GAME!). Up next was Alex Gonzalez who then blooped a ball to left field that Juan Rivera possibly could've caught, but he pulled up on. GAME OVER. I'm not gonna lie. It looked like Juan Rivera just wanted to go home (or go to Centerfold's or something) because he really made no effort to catch that ball.

Angels closer Brian Fuentes claimed that the umpires were too "timid" or "scared" to make any tough calls at Fenway against the Red Sox (read: Nick Green at-bat) and I think he's right. But let me tell you something Brian Fuentes. That's why they call it Home Field Advantage. This type of biased umpiring has been happening for years in every sport. It's because of the human element of officiating. Deal with it.

Side note: I want to do bad things to Kourtney Kardashian. I'm talking about a situation with whipped cream, handcuffs, jello, midgets, baby gorillas, etc.

Kanye West quote has gone viral!

If you haven't noticed, there has been a huge stink about Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV VMA awards on Sunday night. Here is the clip:


What an asshole. I mean, I gotta admit that it was funny, but it might be the biggest A-Hole move I've ever seen. Even worse than Person A selling his friend Sox tix for 4 times face value...

Well anyway, there is a new website dedicated to using his quote to adapt it to tons of different things. The picture I used is just one of many hilarious adaptations of Kanye's infamous quote.

Enjoy the site here: I'mma Let You Finish

23 down, 10 more to go...

I'm desperate to make Eva Longoria my housewife...

So the Dice man was lights out last night. Like I said in the previous post, all logic indicated that he'd be terrible, but all logic also said that the Patriots would destroy the Bills. Whatever. I don't care whether it is logical or illogical as long as we win. Ten more wins and we should be in. Let's go!

Dice-K is back!

Alright, it looks like Dice-K is making his return tonight against the Angels, one of the best offensive teams in the league this year. All logic would point to him giving up at least 5 runs, walking at least 4 guys and throwing 356 pitches in 4 innings. Let's see how this plays out...

Well that sucked...

What was supposed to be a great, epic weekend for me turned into a horrible failure. As you know, I went to New York to attend the US Open Super Saturday (both men's semifinal matches). It started off nice, as Frank and I managed to get from Boston to New York in just over 3 hours on Thursday. I was driving around 90mph the entire way and we didn't really hit any traffic so that was a good start. Got to NYC, had a great time there food-wise and social scene-wise, but mother nature decided to F me in the ass by raining out all of Friday's matches. That meant that Super Saturday turned into Super Sunday, which normally wouldn't be that bad, except for the fact that I had my softball playoffs Sunday morning that I had to be back for.

This happened while I was driving home.

So Saturday night, I sped home in 3 hours and made it back in time to attend Big Wil's bday bash at Wonderbar. Had a great time there (not as good as Balco apparently) and made it home in one piece. Yesterday, we had our softball playoffs and started off well by avenging our loss to Hung Lo last year which meant we'd be playing in the championship game for the 3rd year in a row. We won in 2007 and lost last year. The game was back and forth and in the end, we lost on a walkoff hit. Completely demoralizing but what can you do? What's done is done and there's always next year, but it still sucked. 2 Ls in the last 2 championship games were the difference between "great team" and "dynasty". Oh well, the quest for next year's championship begins today.

As for tennis, I missed being able to watch Nadal-Del Potro live, but that match wasn't that exciting as Del Potro won 6-2, 6-2, 6-2. However, the Federer-Djokovic match was really exciting and Federer hit a shot he deemed "the best shot of his career" which was a between the legs cross-court winner while running backwards after a Djokovic lob. Amazing. So let's recap: I missed out on watching the US Open live at Arthur Ashe Stadium and lost a championship game on a walkoff. I guess the correct term here is "F My Life"?

22 down, 11 more to go...

The Bella twins. Things always come better in 2's

The Red Sox swept the Rays today, effectively ending the Rays' season. I think the Rays have lost 11 in a row or something like that. This is a far cry from last season where they stormed to the AL East crown and made it all the way to the World Series. Can you say aberration? Well, in light of the twin killing today, we bring you twins!

20 down, 13 more to go...

Sox won another one over Tampa Bay last night. It was a 9-1 laugher as the game got called in the 6th due to rain and due to the Rays getting their butts whipped. But that's neither here nor there right now. It's football time baby!

Football is here! Check out BigTroph.com

It's not Monday night, but I am ready for some football!

With the football season about to kickoff tonight, I think it's fitting to talk about fantasy football, since for some people it is actually more important than the games themselves. I am not one of those people, but hey, I aim to please all of my readers. I technically have 3 fantasy football teams this year, but I'm only counting it as 1 since I missed 2 of the drafts which resulted in the computer auto-drafting those teams. And everyone knows how that shit ends up (2 tight ends, picking a defense in the 5th round, picking a kicker anytime before the last round, and so on and so forth). I fuckin hate auto drafts. Well anyway, aside from the pure joy of beating your opponent each week in fantasy football, the next best thing is to gloat, brag and taunt everyone in the league before, during and after an ass-kicking.

There are a number of ways to do this. Here are some examples of what I am doing this year:

• My team name is PeteSpelmanIsGay.com, named after my friend who talked shit about my attempts to promote my buddy's website.
  
  
• Yahoo! Sports offers the ability to use "smack talk" which gives you 150 characters to say whatever you want underneath your team name. Below you will find a screen shot of my team. Click on the image to enlarge.
  

My opponent loves Pearl Jam. His team name is "Team Vedder"

I'm sure you all are wondering where the hell I got that sweet ass OJ Simpson logo. Well wonder no more. Anyone who plays fantasy sports (football, basketball, baseball, even hockey) will enjoy this website. It's called BigTroph.com. I play fantasy sports and a lot of times when I'm talking shit to the rest of the league, I like to accentuate my point by having a cool image, or logo, to flaunt in peoples' faces. Now back in the day, I used to have to photoshop this shit by myself, which was kind of a pain in the ass. Well, I don't have to do it anymore because this site offers free fantasy sports logos and I think that the selection is pretty solid. Here are some other cool logos they have on their site:

Brett Favre, he's probably a virgin too

Shocker baseball, I used this on my fantasy baseball squads.

The always famous "ass trumpet"

This is just a taste of some of the stuff they got on this site. So if you're looking for something to differentiate yourself from all the other bastards in your fantasy leagues this year, come check out this site.

They also just released a new fantasy team name generator. This is for all you tools who can't think of something witty, or are just horribly unoriginal. Essentially, it just randomly selects an adjective and a noun. It's not perfect, but it works. The best team name I got so far was "Deeply Bananas". Sounds like a porn film. For the record, I have never watched porn in my entire life (sarcasm alert).

You might be thinking "why the fuck does this blog entry sound like a fuckin advertisement for BigTroph.com?" Well, the simple answer is because it is. My buddy created the site, I think it's fuckin cool, and I want my readers to enjoy the fruits of his labor while also being able to shit on everyone else in their fantasy leagues. Personally I think it's a win-win for everybody.


Now go to the fuckin website and thank me later.

19 down, 14 more to go...

Vida Guerra's ass isn't even that good... That was a joke.

The Sox swept the lowly Orioles in a mini 2 game series last night with a 7-5 victory. We have an off day today followed by a 6 game homestand versus the Rays and the Angels, respectively. A week ago, the series against the Rays would've meant something for the Rays, but at this point, their chances of making the playoffs are pretty slim. However, we still need to fuckin win this shit since the Rangers won't go away. And we need to make a statement against the Angels as well, since we will most likely play them in the first round of the playoffs if we are able to secure the Wild Card spot. But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. Last night's hero was Victor Martinez, who hit a clutch 3 run double to break a 4-4 tie in the 7th inning. Damn Latinos are so good at baseball. So I reward those with Latino love to enjoy my chick of the day, the booty-ful miss Vida Guerra.

18 down, 15 more to go...

Simona Halep "had" huge jugs

Sox destroyed the Orioles last night 10-0. No big deal, it's the fuckin Orioles, nothing to get excited about. I'm more excited about the US Open right now. Keeping with the tennis trend, here is Simona Halep (featured previously on this space) and her gigantic twins, which have since been reduced to the disgust of all of the men in the entire world.

The US Open is the shit!

There's always next year Rod-Dick...

If you aren't watching the US Open tennis tournament, you are clearly missing out. This has been a ridiculously exciting tournament so far, with tons of upsets on the women's side, some surprises on the men's side, and an unbelievable crowd in Flushing Meadows.

Here are my thoughts so far:

On the women's draw, we've already seen the #1 player (Dinara Safina) eliminated in the 3rd round. In the 4th round, Venus Williams got bounced by Kim Clijsters who has been playing extremely well since taking 2 years off to semi-retire after having a daughter and also losing her father. Serena Williams looks as dominant as ever as she hasn't lost a set all tournament. But the biggest surprise yet is this 17 year old American chick by the name of Melanie Oudin. Considered an after thought at the beginning of the tournament, she went on to win her first round match easily, then took out #4 ranked Elena Dementieva of Russia in round 2 for the first major upset of the tournament. Still clearly an underdog, she then took out hottie Maria Sharapova in the 3rd round when no one thought she had a chance. Yesterday, she faced her third ranked Russian player in a row, Nadia Petrova, and beat her in 3 sets to move onto the quarterfinals.

Melanie Oudin, what a story so far...

Now listen, I'm not a huge fan of women's tennis, but this run is pretty damn captivating. Yeah, she might lose in the quarters but this run she is on is amazing. The fact that she's doing it during the US Open is what makes it so special because the crowd is really what is lifting her during every match. I've never seen such a homecourt advantage in tennis before, so if you aren't watching this chick, start watching tomorrow when she plays again.

On the men's side, most of the big guns are still alive except for mister Andy Roddick who lost to fellow American John Isner in the 3rd round. Wow, that was quite the upset. Roddick seemed to be gaining momentum, especially after taking Federer to the wire during the Wimbledon finals. Oh well, there's always next year. Isner promptly lost yesterday in the 4th round, meaning that no US men's player would reach the quarterfinals for the first time in tournament history. Nice job US men.

The top 4 seeds are still alive (Federer, Murray, Nadal, Djokovic) and it'd be shocking if all 4 didn't make the semifinals on Saturday since they've been so dominant in their matches so far. Did anyone see Djokovic's match last night? Well, he completely dominated Stepanek but the best part was after the match when he did John McEnroe impersonations and then challenged him to come down from the TV booth and play a few points with him. High comedy and it definitely won the crowd over.

Djokovic and McEnroe horsing around last night. Great moment.

One of the best matches of the tournament so far had to be when Taylor Dent from the US battled Ivan Navarro from Spain. The match went to a 5th set tiebreaker and Dent pulled it out 11-9 with the help of the crowd. This was another example of homecourt advantage as the US fans were going nuts the entire time, just giving Dent the will to win the match. What a great story it was because Dent had been sidelined for 2 years after undergoing multiple back surgeries and was genuinely just happy to be competing again. After he won his match, he took the chair umpires microphone and thanked the fans for helping him pull the match out. He then did a lap around the stadium slapping hands with everyone and signing autographs. It was a great moment.

Taylor Dent

Again, if you aren't watching this shit, you are missing out big time! And reminder: I'm going to Super Saturday (both men's semifinal matches) this weekend baby!

17 down, 16 more to go

Random hot chick

Sox finally got a win in the series behind a strong pitching effort by Jon Lester. We need both him and Beckett to be on point if we're going to make the playoffs and succeed if we, in fact, do get there. Today we have Beckett pitching, which typically makes me feel good, but considering his performance lately, I'd feel lucky if we were able to split this series. I'd have more of an analysis of yesterday's game, but I'm way too hungover from a whole weekend of drinking so I don't really want to think about anything other than the picture of this hot chick.

16 down, 17 more to go

Oh by the way, college football kicked off last night as well.

Well, we finally won a series down in Tampa Bay. That place has been hell for us the last few years. Clay Buchholz pitched well and the bullpen held down the fort as the Sox took the series with a 6-3 win. Bay, Youkilis and Victor Martinez continue to rake at the plate and hopefully our offense continues to produce runs nightly from here on out. Up next is another 4 game set versus the White Sox (this time it's in Chicago), and while we took 3 of 4 against the ChiSox last week at Fenway, I'd be happy if we go 2-2 against them in their ballpark.

Further proof that the National League is inferior

This is the only thing good about the National League.

Ex-Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny pitched 8 scoreless innings for the Giants last night in their win over the Phillies. I'm sure people are wondering "why the hell couldn't he do that shit for the Red Sox?" Well the simple answer is because the National League sucks. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Why the hell do you think that National League pitchers are hesitant to move to the American League and why American League pitchers all salivate at the chance to pitch in the National League? It's not just that you get a free out in the National League (pitcher has to hit), but it's also because the teams are simply inferior to American League teams. Seriously, just do a search on Interleague play records and you'll see which league is better. Look at the results of the last 4367246327423 all star games and you'll see which league is better. The fact that John Smoltz and Brad Penny can combine for 14 shutout innings in their respective National League debuts this season just further proves it.

Did David Wright's head shrink?

David Wright keeping his HEAD in the game...

Look at the new helmet David Wright wore last night. That thing is gi-normous! Reports indicate that this helmet will withstand pitches of up to 100mph hitting it, but does it withstand the ridicule and shame from the rest of the league, media, and fans? The fact that I'm blogging about it answers that question.


I wouldn't wear that helmet if you paid me. It looks like its 5 sizes too big.

Images courtesy of Yahoo! Sports.

15 down, 18 more to go

The Red Sox FINALLY won in Tampa Bay and it wasn't easy. Staked to a 7-2 lead in the 8th, Okajima promptly came in and allowed 5 consecutive batters to reach, giving up 2 runs and leaving the bases loaded with no outs and only a 7-4 lead. Papelbon came in and shut down the side without giving up another run, then set down the Rays 1-2-3 in the 9th for the save. To be clear, this would have been an EPIC loss if we blew this game. It would've been so bad that I would've stopped the countdown to 95 games and probably quit blogging. That's how annoyed I was getting. This was a very important game because of, not only the wild card race, but because of the fact that we haven't won shit in Tampa Bay the last few years. I brought out the big guns tonight and decided to post a picture of Megan Fox so everybody better fuckin enjoy this.

Still my favorite tennis player

17 years old when he won the French Open

The first round of the US Open began yesterday in Flushing Meadows, New York. For the next two weeks, these tennis players will be battling their asses off in an effort to become crowned champion. We all know who it will probably be. It most likely will be either Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, Novak Djokovic, or the man with the best name on tour: Andy Roddick (haha he said "rod" and "dick"). These are the top 5 ranked players in the world for a reason. It's because they're fuckin nasty. After that, there's a pretty big dropoff in talent.

So I'm sure some of you are wondering "who the fuck is that Chinese guy in the picture?" Well, that Chinese guy is Michael Chang, winner of the French Open in 1989 and also my favorite tennis player of all time. Note: he is not my favorite tennis player solely because he is Chinese, although that is a similarity that cannot be missed. He's my favorite tennis player because his game was very similar to the style I played in high school. In case you didn't know, I played tennis for one year at Stoneham High (senior year) and managed to land the #2 singles spot in the rotation. Just like Michael Chang, I was quick, not that powerful, focused, never gave up on a point no matter how badly the rally was going, and oh yeah, I was Chinese too.

From wikipedia.com regarding his famous 4th round match against Ivan Lendl:

Chang's most famous match took place at the 1989 French Open, which was Chang's only Grand Slam singles title. In the fourth round, he faced the World No. 1, reigning Australian Open champion, and three-time former French Open champion Ivan Lendl. Conventional wisdom made Lendl the heavy favorite to win the match against the 15th seeded and 17-year-old Chang.

Everything seemed to be going to form when Lendl comfortably took the first two sets 6–4, 6–4 and then broke Chang's serve in the opening game of the third set. But Chang broke back immediately and went on to claim the third set 6–3. Part way through the fourth set, Chang experienced a severe attack of leg cramps, and was on the verge of retiring from the match. Up 2-1 in the fifth set, Chang walked towards the chair umpire to concede the match, reaching the service line when he felt "an unbelievable conviction in my heart" to not give up, and subsequently made it his goal to finish the match win or lose. Fighting to stay in the match, Chang resorted to some novel tactics. For a period, he began taking all speed out of the match by playing "moon balls", and also began to go for more winners in order to shorten the points.

The success of these tactics caused Lendl, who was known to be one of the calmest players, to lose his rhythm. He began to swear at the umpire and the crowd, especially after losing a key point in the fifth set when Chang shocked him by delivering an under-arm serve. Chang later explained, "I was trying to break his concentration. I would do anything to stay out there." (That underhanded serve achieved cult status among amateurs and, at least in Chang's hometown area of Southern California, it was not unheard of to see juniors emulate the swing in desperation while trying to come back from behind in a match during the 1990s.)

Barely able to stand, and screaming with pain after many of his shots, Chang continued to battle on. Despite being on the verge of physical breakdown, he fought his way to a 5–3 lead in the fifth set with two match points on Lendl's serve. Aiming to break Lendl's concentration one more time, Chang stood well inside the baseline, almost at the T-line in the centre of the court while waiting to receive Lendl's serve (an almost suicidal position when facing an opponent's serve). The tactic worked as Lendl produced a double-fault to give Chang the victory, 4–6, 4–6, 6–3, 6–3, 6–3 in four hours and 37 minutes. Chang sank to his knees and broke down in tears at the conclusion of the match. Seven days later, he became the youngest male champion in Grand Slam history, a victory that inspired fellow American peers Pete Sampras, Jim Courier, and Andre Agassi to subsequently win Grand Slams.

Now I'm sure some of you are now wondering "well if he won the French Open, then why the hell are you posting a picture of him when the US Open just started?" Well, my friends, today is the 22nd anniversary of Michael Chang winning his first US Open match. Yup, this day 22 years ago, a 15 year old chink walked into Flushing Meadows and beat a guy by the name of Paul McNamee in 4 sets to become the youngest player ever to win a US Open match. I'm not sure if that record still stands, but regardless, it's still pretty damn impressive. Despite the odds, this guy managed to win a bunch of tennis matches based on heart and determination. That's the kind of guy we can all root for.

I can't wait to see this live.

So I guess my question is: who's going to win the US Open this year? Do you think it will be one of the top 5 players, someone else in the top 25, or a relative no name who will come out of nowhere to shock the world like Michael Chang? As always, poll on the right.

By the way: I'm going to Super Saturday baby! We're going to see both men's semifinal matches. I am pumped.