The Redskins Reload, and other random shit

Congratulations Albert

Well, it looks like the Redskins made a big splash by not only re-signing DeAngelo Hall to a 6 year, $54 million deal, but they also just inked Albert Haynesworth to a 7 year, $100 million deal that could escalate to $115 million with performance. Now this is great for their defense. Not because they're gonna be better, but because they now have 2 knuckleheads signed for at least the next 6 years for dumb money. The other problem is, their offense still sucks. They were the 5th worst offense in terms of points scored last year, 7th worst in 3rd down completion percentage, and mediocre in every other category except 4th down completion percentage. This is where I found the Washington Redskins stats. And you know what that means. If you're consistently going for it on 4th down, you are probably trailing a lot of games. It also doesn't help that they are in the toughest division in football, the NFC East. They need a proven quarterback at the helm to get this offense going, and Jason Campbell is not the answer. I'm sure a lot of you are wondering why I'm writing about the Redskins. Well, it's because a have a lot of friends in the DC/VA/MD area and I'd like to welcome them all by saying "you guys need some offense or you're fucked!"

Sorry KC fans, he's staying with the Skins

In other news, our friend Manny Ramirez and Darth Boras just rejected another offer by the Dodgers. It's so funny how the Dodgers are bidding against themselves here. I mean, c'mon, there can't be any other team looking to sign him. Spring training has already started and no one other than the Dodgers has that much expendable cash, and a hole in left field, to justify signing this guy. Boras is doing his typical routine of holding a team hostage, waiting until the 11th hour and having the team make a desperate offer at the last possible moment. The offer was pretty damn good too: $25 million for this year, and a player option of $20 million for next year. I mean, do Manny and Boras think that he should be the highest paid player in baseball?

I have a theory. Manny was listening to the song "Arab Money" and thought they were saying "A-Rod Money" and he immediately decided that he wasn't going to settle for anything less per year. That's the story and I'm sticking to it.




Reports are indicating that Tom Brady and Giselle (pronounced Jizz-el) got married. A famous athlete marrying a famous supermodel. Wow, what a match made in heaven. This is how it's supposed to work. Not like this fuckin shit. I'm going to pretend like that didn't even happen. Ridiculous. Anyway, back to Tom and Giselle. I can't believe he hits this every night:

Tom Brady, I salute you

Enough talking about who's now off the market, let's talk about who's back on the market. Yup, Megan Fox is now single ladies and gentlemen. She finally ditched that tool from 90210. According to reports, she's been on the lookout for a stud by the name of Andrew Chan. Hey Megan, if you're reading, I'm right here baby. Skeet skeet skeet!

I'm single!

One last thing. Go and read my buddy JM's blog. HILARIOUS. Probably even better than mine...

This is kinda ridiculous

Here's a video of Lebron James scoring 16 points in 2 minutes of play about a week or two ago:





This looks like the real life version of NBA Jam when your player gets on fire.

This is also ridiculous. It's a true sign that the recession is hitting hard and people are getting fucked (literally).

Starbury to Boston? Tiger Woods is black! I mean back.

Well, unless there's a dramatic change, it looks like Stephon Marbury is going to be joining the Celtics for the stretch run. KG and Starbury back together again, giddy up. Everyone who says that he's going to be a cancer, that he won't try, or that's he's a horrible fit can just shut their mouths. My buddy Mark lays it out best:

Here's the difference between Knick Marbury and Celtic Marbury:

• The Knicks were stuck with him because of his contract. The Celtics will be paying him vet minimum.
• The Knicks were asking him to be the main man. The Celtics are asking him to be the sixth man.
• On the Knicks, Marbury had to go up against frontline players. On the Celtics, he'll be going against second stringers most of the time.
• On the Knicks, he was the first option. When he plays with the starters, on the Celtics he'll be the fourth option.
• He can't hurt the Celtics. If he's not an eagle scout, they just cut him.
• Plus he has all the motivation in the world to prove everyone wrong.
  

I couldn't have said it any better. Listen, it's pretty clear here. If he fucks up or acts like a complete douche bag, we release him. Simple as that. Plus, we're basically only going to be paying him like $1.3 million or something cheap, so there's limited to no risk here. He's also playing for a contract next year so he better play well or his NBA career is over. This is similar to when we picked up Corey Dillon and Randy Moss for the Patriots. There's a good veteran presence in the locker room and they're not tied to a big contract. Anyone who is apprehensive or appauled by this move needs to think about it a little more. If you were a member of that Knicks team that had to deal with Isaiah Thomas for all of those years, along with shitbags for teammates, you'd probably go crazy too. Isn't this pretty damn similar to the situations of Dillon and Moss?

I mean, Rondo is nasty, but it's pretty clear that we need depth at our point guard position. Having Eddie House or Gabe Pruitt handling the ball in crunch time (in case Rondo is hurt or fouled out) is unacceptable. Eddie House is a pure shooter and Pruitt is still trying to learn the ropes. Again, what's the downside of signing Marbury? If he sucks, we release him, and we're in the same situation as before. If he's good, he improves our team.


In other news, Tiger Woods makes his return today at the Accenture Match Play Championship. After spending the last 7 months shaving, having sex with his wife, and oh yeah, recovering from knee surgery, it appears that the King is back to reclaim his throne. Is there any doubt that he's going to win at least 2 majors this year? I wouldn't even be surprised if he won every one. All the reports indicate that his knee, and entire body, is much stronger and more stable than before. That's what happens when you do physical therapy. You almost accidentally get your body in tip top shape. This guy must be having crazy sex with his wife Elin nowadays. Now I'm not saying that Tiger is going to go out and win this event because surely there's some rust, but he's going to become a bigger force than he was before. You know who else is going to do that? You got that right, Superman himself, Mister Tom Brady.



Breaking news: Phil Mickelson just peed his pants.

More breaking news: Peyton Manning just peed his pants.

Even more breaking news: I just peed my pants.

Sank You!

Domo origato Mister Roboto!!!!!!!!!!!

NYC Recap

So I made it back from NYC in one piece. Here's an update from when I left off in my previous post:

Friday: got off the bus at around 5:30ish on the corner of 34th and 8th, which means that I spent 5 hours on the bus getting to New York. I guess it wasn't that bad considering I had internet and DVDs to watch throughout the duration of the trip. However, it was pretty annoying because we were actually on 35th and 7th at 5:00 and it took a half hour to go 2 blocks through the friggin traffic. I was starting to get mad until I realized that I was the idiot who decided to travel on a Friday during rush hour.

Bolt Bus is pretty cool.

So I got out of the bus, stretched out a bit, then called my buddy Rosa who wanted me to meet up with her at the Gershwin Theater (or is it "Theatre"?) to see if we could get tickets for the Broadway show "Wicked" that was showing at 8pm. Apparently, 2 hours before every Broadway show, they have this random lottery where you basically put your name in a hat and they draw about 10-15 lucky winners who can purchase up to 2 tickets for front row tickets for $25 each. After walking 18 blocks, I finally made it there and we put our names down and waited for the 6pm drawing. Naturally, we won because I am awesome and I bring luck everywhere I go.

We had 2 hours to burn, and I was hungry as hell, so we ended up going to this famous cart on 53rd and 6th that serves lamb or chicken (or both) over rice with this creamy white sauce (not man juice) and hot sauce if you want it (of course I got it).

Apparently, this is called the "Halal Cart"

I had to drop off my shit, so we brought the food back to Rosa's office (she works for HBO as an assistant director for the Real Sex series) and ate our faces off until it was time to go back to the theater for the show.

I'm not gonna lie. I thoroughly enjoyed the Broadway show "Wicked". It was about the untold relationship between Glinda the Good Witch and Elphaba aka the Wicked Witch of the West. Basically, it's sorta like a prequel to the Wizard of Oz with an interesting spin. I'm not going to ruin it for people by writing an in-depth review so I'll just say that the acting and singing was probably the best I've ever seen, or ever will see, and it was funny as hell. Please refrain from calling me gay until you at least give the show a try. I'm telling you, it's fuckin tight.

Alright, this picture looks kinda gay, but I'm telling you, it was a dope show!

After the show, we decided to meet up with D Tang and his black French friends for some soul food at this place called Dallas BBQ. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't know many French people, and I know even less black French people, but they were cool as hell, even though there were communication barriers. You know, it's funny how you basically have to throw away all big words from your vocabulary when you try to converse with people who barely know any English. This worked well for me because I don't have a good vocabulary to begin with. Talking to me is like talking to a 5th grader anyway.

So we ordered a bunch of chicken (naturally) and drinks and filled our stomachs with as much grease as possible. Oh, one other thing. One of the French guys I met, Edwin, was there with his wife Joanna and their 4 month old baby girl. What a cute little kid. I kept looking at the baby just because little kids (and animals) can amuse me for hours. What amused me even more was the fact that the baby looked hungry (or in this case, thirsty), so Joanna decided to whip out her tit and start breastfeeding the baby right at the table. Apparently this is normal in France, but I guess I was sort of surprised because she made no effort to conceal her ta-tas at all. So one second I'm sitting there thinking "wow, that's such a cute baby" and the next second I'm sitting there thinking "wow, I can see 90% of some girl's tit right now". Let's just say it was an interesting meal.

They don't use these in France.

Saturday: woke up at Rosa's place in Harlem and decided to hit the gym with D Tang. I love the fact that my Boston Sports Club membership works at New York Sports Club (as well as DC and Philly). Had a good workout then we decided to go eat breakfast. We saw a Dunkin Donuts, but decided that we'd rather try a local joint to get some of that Harlem flavor. We ended up eating at this place called Jumbo Burger, that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner. So we ordered two breakfast sandwiches, expecting it to take like 5 minutes to make. I mean, all it was was bread, fried eggs, and turkey sausage links. Should be done in no time, right? Yeah, it took about 20 minutes for them to make. I don't even know how that's possible but it happened. At least it tasted good though.

Later on in the afternoon, we met up with D Tang's friends and hit up some shops on 125th street. Not much to talk about there, just people buying shit. Same thing goes for Union Square and the farmer's market we hit up. I did end up buying a new wallet though, which is something to note considering my old wallet was a complete piece of shit. There were rips and holes all over it. Homeless people had better wallets than I did. Now they don't. Too bad homeless people.

That night, we met up with my buddy Leo and decided to hit up a comedy show at this place called Laugh Lounge. Dude, the show was off the hook. I absolutely love comedy shows. They definitely set you up for a good evening because you're drinking and laughing at funny shit for 2 hours.

Grant Cooper, the host, was funny as hell

The show started off with this guy named Grant Cooper, who was the host. Basically, he did a little piece before every featured comedian came on stage. This guy was pretty damn hilarious and talked about a lot of things that people from New York can relate to (like how all the white people get off the subway at 96th street because after that it turns into Harlem). The first act was this chick named Laurie Kilmartin. She had actually performed on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show as well as Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. She really engaged the crowd in her performance and was tooling on some couple from Bedstye for awhile which was great. One of the best lines was when she said that she hasn't lost any weight since her baby 8 months ago and then mentioned that she had an abortion hahaha. So filthy, yet so funny at the same time.

The next guy was Greer Barnes who was actually in a few skits on the Chappelle Show. This guy was completely stoned during his entire act, so his thoughts were going all over the place, but it couldn't be any funnier. At one point he was referring to random thoughts he was having and just started laughing because he was thinking about white chicks dating chimpanzees. I dunno, you had to be there to appreciate how funny he was.

The third guy was some white dude who was not funny at all. He tried to pull a black joke 2 minutes into his act that didn't draw any laughs and from then on it was just a tail spin for the guy. I actually felt bad for him for 2 seconds, until I realized I had been drinking, and then just started laughing at him. Hey, this is good for him because it'll make him come back with better material (or quit comedy altogether).

The last comic was Donnell Rawlings aka Ashy Larry from the Chappelle Show. At this point, my night becomes a little hazy but all I remember was that he was hilarious. All I could think about while he was performing was him going "I'm rich, bitch!!" and tooting the horn of his truck, like he did on the Chappelle Show.

He's a funny dude.

The rest of the night consisted of going to bars and drinking our faces off, then ending up in K-Town drinking soju and eating french fries for some reason.

Sunday: woke up with a hangover, dropped a bunch of deuces, then we made our way to Penn Station area to eat before bounce time. I hit up the dollar menu at Wendy's, then proceeded to shit it all out in the Wendy's bathroom. For those of you who don't know, I shit frequently. I peaced out, hopped on the bus at 1Pm and made my way back to Boston at 5:30ish in the pouring rain. Good thing I didn't have an umbrella so I walked home and got completely drenched. Naturally, I am beginning to get sick today.

Conclusion: All in all, it was a great trip. It was nice seeing old faces and catching a Broadway show and a comedy club show, which are things I don't typically do here in Boston. I might start doing them now because I think they are more fun than going to bars and trying to hit on unsuspecting women, as well as wasting a shitload of money. Thank you to Rosa for letting me stay at her place, big ups to D Tang for coming out, and what up dogg to Leo for joining us for Saturday evening's festivities.

Other notes

• Breastfeeding happened again on Saturday afternoon at this famous lunch place called Amy Ruth's. It's very similar to a Roscoe's in that they have chicken & waffles and a bunch of other soul food items. I had jerk chicken with cheesy grits and candied yams. Mmm mmm mmm!
• Rosa is not an assistant director for Real Sex. She does work for HBO, but as an accountant.
• I would have sex with the Wicked Witch of the West
• I'm going to start paying attention to who's coming to town for comedy shows at the Wilbur Theater
• I'm going to start paying attention to Broadway shows coming to Boston as well
• I took 9 shits during my time in New York
• New York is too big

Next up: San Francisco. I'll be there in 9 days. Giddy up!

Travel Update

I'm currently riding the Bolt Bus from Boston to New York City. I got on at South Station and will be getting dropped off at the intersection of 34th and 8th in Manhattan. So far so good. I was having trouble connecting to the WIFI at first, but then I figured it out and now it's working perfectly fine. There are outlets on the window side of the seat so if you plan on traveling and using any plug-in electronics, it's probably best to sit on the window side so as not to inconvenience the person sitting next to you with cords all over their lap. For the first hour of the trip, I watched a couple episodes of The Chappelle Show that I brought on DVD. The girl next to me is a fan as well, and she has a laptop, so I let her watch the other disc. I'm almost halfway there and it has flown by, most likely because I have so many things to keep me occupied on the bus. So as far as a review, I'm enjoying this trip and would recommend the Bolt Bus for others who are looking to travel from Boston to New York, vice versa, or from DC to New York. However, this opinion is subject to change based on how the second leg of this trip plays out. I will check back in soon.

What is this world coming to?

The recession is really starting to hit home in San Antonio. According to this article, it appears that some thief robbed two girl scouts (3rd graders) and their scout leader as they were trying to sell cookies at a Walgreen's. The cheeky bastard got away with 250 bucks.

"The one thing that I was screaming was to call the police, and I just kept yelling out the license plate number," the troop leader recalled.

I was wondering if the car had a vanity plate instead of the standard alpha-numeric system, and lucky for you all, we have obtained a picture of that license plate:


In other news, I haven't seen the movie "The Wrestler" but apparently it's really good and pretty realistic. It's so realistic that the guy who played the steroid dealer in the movie is actually a steroid dealer in REAL LIFE. You can't even make this shit up.

A-Rod: "Please inject some 'boli' onto my face"

TMZ.com released a photo of Rihanna after she got her ass beaten by Chris Brown aka Chris Breezy. Reports indicate that this is a vicious cycle because it looks like Chris Brown was actually abused as a child, and apparently this sort of thing happens all the time with people. Not like that's an excuse or anything. Men should never hit women. I have few morals, but this is one of them. If you were so mad about her texting another dude, kill the dude, not her. Shame on you Chris Breezy, shame on you. I bet Rihanna watches this scene from Stomp the Yard every day now, wishing it was real...

In the most shocking news of the day/week/month/year/decade, it appears that Playboy Enterprises is possibly considering selling itself because of poor performance. This is ridiculous because the terms "Hugh Hefner" and "poor performance" have never been uttered in the same sentence until today. Now if anything signals recession, THIS does. I'm going to immediately run to the bathroom and beat off to Miss December right now. Or maybe Miss March, see below:

Sports

• Celtics: I don't care that we lost the game last night, but KG injured his knee. I'm not happy about that. Even though initial reports say that it was a sprain, same thing happened with Bynum from the Lakers and the MRI showed that he tore shit. Hopefully this isn't the case with the Big Ticket.
  
  
• Red Sox: Dustin Pedroia wants to play all 162 games. Even though Francona won't let him do that (due to necessary rest throughout the season), it just goes to show the type of heart, determination, and will this guy has. He's a real gamer who just wants to win and he put his money where his mouth is by signing a contract extension that is, by all means, a hometown discount. I'm buying a Pedroia shirt, case closed.
  
  
• Patriots: Tom Brady aka Jesus Christ, plans to be ready for the 2009 opener. Let's hope that his disciples protect him this year. Here's an update on the Matt Cassel (or as Big Q calls him: Matt "Cassell") situation.
  
  
• Hockey: Not much to say about the Bruins right now, they keep chugging along as the Eastern Conference leaders. Did anyone see Alexander Ovechkin's goal the other night for the Capitals? Holy flucking schnit. Here it is:

Can you say "goal of the year"? Dude, I can't even do that move in NHL '09 for PS3.

Finally, I am headed to New York City (aka the Big Apple) this weekend and I'm taking the Bolt Bus down there. According to the website, there is WIFI and power outlets on the bus, so I'll be posting more stupid shit throughout the day (provided that there is a decent internet connection) as I make my way into enemy territory.

A-Rod is scaring 12 year old girls

The baseball world has been rocked by Alex Rodriguez's steroid use, followed by his admission that he had no idea what he was doing. Haha what a likely story that is. Hey A-Rod, you can lie and cheat yourself but don't lie and cheat 12 year old girls!!!

Zach Randolph is a beast

Here is Kimbo Slice's next opponent:



Fantastic job Mr. Randolph. You just earned yourself a nice vacation. This isn't the first time he will have been in trouble for fighting:

• As a member of the Portland Trailblazers, he was suspended for 2 games for punching teammate Ruben Patterson during practice
• As a member of the New York Knicks, this happened and this happened
• Now, as a member of the Clippers, he clocks some random white guy

I'm telling you, he's perfect for stand up in mixed martial arts...

This just in: before he punched the white guy, apparently Zach Randolph said "you ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy your own damn fries!"

It's about time someone said it...

Friday the 13th and V-Day

Well it's Friday the 13th, which is supposed to be a day of bad luck or some bullshit like that. I dunno, but my Friday the 13ths always seem to go off without a hitch. Whether I'm jinxing myself or not, I don't care. This day does not affect me at all. Uncle Sam seems to think otherwise...


In a weird twist of fate, it appears that the Bruins are playing the New Jersey DEVILS on Friday the 13th IN New Jersey (which is essentially "hell"). I hope New Jersey's goaltender is wearing a Jason mask.

Valentine's Day

Now I know that a lot of people are spending Valentine's Day with their loved ones. That's so cute. For the record, Valentine's Day is pretty stupid. It's as fabricated as Santa Claus and the only reason it was created was to help retail sales. See, I'm not against love. I'm against stupid spending. If you love someone, you don't need an excuse to show them you care.


Women, give your men sex regularly. Men, buy your women flowers and candy (or do other appreciative things) every so often "just because". Anniversaries have meaning. Birthdays have meaning. Valentine's Day has meaning as well: it means a bunch of people all have to spend a shit load of money on the same day for no god damn reason. In fact, if I'm gonna have to spend a ton of money, I might as well go to Centerfold's and shoot my Cupid love arrows at some strippers. Because seriously... there's no better way of showing love than by giving/getting lap dances.

By the way, if anyone of you love birds happen to get engaged this weekend, please tab me as the Best Man at the wedding so I can do this speech.

Buy your own damn fries!

My cousin Justin alerted me to this gem. President Barack Obama wrote a book a couple years back called "Dreams From My Father" and was the official voice for the audiobook version. Apparently, he had a friend named Ray who spewed vulgarities as if it was his job. Barack Obama quoted him, verbatim, in his book. So needless to say, the audiobook version produced some amazing material since The President of the United States of America can be heard calling people "motherfuckers", among other things. Here is a link to the Barack Obama audio clips, which I'm sure will be manipulated in multiple ways in the near future.

My personal favorite: "You ain't my bitch, nigga. Buy your own damn fries."

Brett Favre retires... AGAIN

Brett Favre: "I think it's about time to retire".

This isn't really even news since this is getting pretty old. Here is the link to the report of Brett Favre's retirement.

In other more important news, I just took a dump at work. Thank you.

"Library Man" leading Penn State men's hoops

According to this report, it appears that Penn State guard Stanley Pringle was accused of public masturbation last year at one of the campus libraries:

Police said Pringle, the team's point guard, sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating.

Apparently the article also alludes to the fact that a similar incident occurred somewhere else on a different date and a similar description of the alleged violator was given. It looks like we've got a serial masturbator here!

Here is an article that discusses Mr. Pringle's inner monologue on that day.

The reason I bring this whole issue to light is because of these reasons:

• Big Q is a Penn State alum
• This story is just hilarious in a countless number of ways
• I was just talking to Big Q the other day about how Stanley Pringle's motto should be "Once you pop you can't stop!" just like the Pringles potato chips. This story just makes it all the more appropriate.

To be fair, "Library Man" has responded from his "nad"versity by scoring 13.5 points per game this season, leading the Big 10 conference with a 47.4% three point shooting success rate, and righting the Penn State ship to a 17-7 record so far this year (up from 11-18 in 2006 and 15-15 in 2007). Although they have a tough remaining schedule and probably won't be a tournament team, it's safe to say that Library Man can hold his own (pun intended)!

This just in... George Steinbrenner was on steroids

Breaking news. It appears that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was on steroids from 1973-2008. Clearly, the evidence is there.

1. Feuding with some of his players/managers over the years (roid rage)
2. Flexing his muscles all the time (financially)
   
3. Full of himself
4. Huge head
5. Loss of hair (we are discounting the old age factor to make this argument)
   

This is just the latest chink in the Yankees armor. Well, other than Chien-Ming Wang, he's a chink too hahaha.

And here's an update on A-Rod:


By the way, from now on when I have to apologize to anyone for anything I'm going to say "I was young. I was stupid. I was naive."

A-Roid admits to steroid use

Well, forget wondering whether the report was accurate or not. A-Rod just admitted to Peter Gammons that he was juicing for 3 years when he was with the Rangers. Probably the best move he could've made at this point considering he's going to get crucified either way. At least people may show him some sympathy now because he was man enough to publicly admit it, unlike Barry Bonds.

Let's break this admission down a little bit further. Him stating that he only took roids for 3 years is like a girl telling you she's only been with a few guys. Clearly, that number is lower than the truth.

In an unrelated topic, I'd like to say congratulations to the Steelers for their newest accomplishment:

Hey, I thought I was the Super Bowel Champ?

A-Roid

Apparently A-Rod was supplementing with a little more than just spinach.

So it looks like Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids back in 2003. What a big fuckin surprise. This guy is a tool. No wonder why him and Barry Bonds are such good friends. They both cheat and have no damage control ability.

When approached by an SI reporter on Thursday at a gym in Miami, Rodriguez declined to discuss his 2003 test results. "You'll have to talk to the union," said Rodriguez, the Yankees' third baseman since his trade to New York in February 2004. When asked if there was an explanation for his positive test, he said, "I'm not saying anything."

That's his response? Really? Clearly, he's guilty because if he wasn't, don't you think he'd vehemently deny all accusations? See, this is the problem with all of these prima donnas. Their heads are so fuckin big (no pun intended) that they think they can do/say/act however they want without suffering any consequences. I hope he gets a STD from Madonna's dirty pussy.

Barry Bonds - ASTERISK*
Alex Rodriguez - ASTERISK*

Nice month for A-Rod. He gets called A-Fraud in Torre's book, then gets nailed for using 'roids. I wonder what's next? I can't wait for him to come out of the closet!

By the way, there's apparently 104 players on that list of steroid offenders in 2003. I'm not going to be naive and state that there aren't any Red Sox players on that list because there just might be some, but it's just funny that the guy who has the biggest contract, the biggest ego, and the smallest dick is also one of the biggest cheaters.

Other news:

I woke up hungover yesterday and somehow ended up getting invited to the Celtics game and sat in these seats. I'm kind of a big deal. I wasn't planning on drinking, but naturally, that happened. So anyway, the game was pretty damn exciting up until 20 seconds left in the game, down by 2 with the ball, we somehow turn the ball over, get called for a clear path foul (2 free throws and possession), then foul them again (2 more free throws) for a now 6 point lead. Game, set, match Spurs. So let me summarize. With 20 seconds left, we had the ball with the chance to tie or take the lead. Five seconds later, we were down by 6 points. Two observations from the game:

1. Matt Bonner is pretty friggin nasty (he'd definitely become a fan icon if he legally changed his last name to "Boner")
   
   
2. Roger Mason Jr. is Robert Horry 2.0 (younger and only more deadly because he looks similar to Charles Oakley)

I'm convinced that Charles Oakley, at one point, legally changed his name to Roger Mason Sr., had Roger Mason Jr. with "Mrs. Mason", then legally changed it back to Charles Oakley.

5 DAYS UNTIL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT!!!!!

Hey Big Q

No one is going to take you seriously until you learn how to spell the guy's name correctly. It's Matt Cassel.

C-A-S-S-E-L

There is only 1 L.

That is all.

Cassel Franchised

And the Patriot's offseason officially begins today! As I'm sure you all have heard, the New England Patriots have put a non-exclusive franchise tag on Matt Cassel. Now that the Piolichick tandem has been broken, it's time to see what Belichick has in store for this us offseason.

Let me quickly say - a trade for involving Matt Cassel for any other player is unacceptable, especially if they involve Larry Johnson or Tony Gonzalez. Gonzalez is 33 and LJ is 29 and both players are on the back ends of their careers. Also - keep in mind players only excel if they fit within Belichick's system. Coaches and players have come and gone, succeeded with New England and turned into busts elsewhere. With the exception of Adalius Thomas & Roosevelt Colvin, it's been rare for the Patriots to go after the sexy players (I'm excluding Randy Moss in the argument because the trade was so lopsided, 4th round pick which we got in another trade, it was stupid not to get him.) Brady, unlike Bledsoe, has shown that he has not relied heavily on the TE in the passing game.

Consider these facts, there are quite a few teams right now with MAJOR needs at the QB position, Detroit, KC, Saint Louis, SF, Cincinatti, Chicago, NY Jets, Minnesota, Tennessee and possibly Buffalo. Jamarcus Russell stinks but no way Oakland gets another QB.

Now this, here are the QB's that were drafted in the 1st round since '05, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco, JaMarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, Vince Young, Matt Leinart, Jay Cutler, Alex Smith, Aaron Rodgers & Jason Campbell. That's 6 starters and 5 busts. Of those 6 starters, only Cutler, Ryan, Rodgers & Flacco are legitimate. That's a 36% success rate for drafting a legitimate QB in the 1st round.

Now let's look at the financial penalties of drafting a QB in the first round. JaMarcus Russell signed a 6 year 68 million dollar contract with 38 million of it guaranteed. Vince Young signed a 5 year 58 million dollar contract with close to 26 million guaranteed, and he's been sitting on the bench to Kerry Collins, who made a mere $1.7 million last year.

Since this is a non-exclusive franchise, teams will be able negotiate with Cassell and have a contract in place before they approach the Patriots for a trade. I think it's very possible for a team to sign Cassel in the range of 5 yr 30-35 million contract, which is a real bargain compared to anybody drafted in the 1st round.

Here's an added twist, contrary to what Jerry Thornton wrote in his article on Barstool, ACL and MCL injuries are tough to come back from. I believe it takes 2 years to become 100%. Does Belichick consider trading 32 year old Brady and keeping the younger 26 year old Matt Cassel? I doubt it - like always, In Belichick We Trust.

Onto the draft - while I've heard a lot of people say we should draft a LB again, I dont believe that to be the case. We drafted Jerod Mayo last year who is an absolute man-beast and drafted Shawn Crable who was used sparingly before getting injured. The biggest find last year goes to Gary Guyton, who might've been in on more plays then Bruschi by years end. With Thomas coming back next year I think we have bigger needs then LB.

An interesting story line to look into is Richard Seymour. His cap number is approaching $10 million this year so I see either 1 of 2 things, restructure his contract or he's walking. Jarvis Green & Ty Warren have big contracts so I dont see us spending over $20 million in cap space on DE's, however important they are to Belichick's defensive scheme.

If Seymour walks, we could be drafting a DE early. A few other needs we have are OT (Matt Light is the most overrated player on our roster), safety and TE.

Whatever happens, the best coach in pro football will come out on top, and that's Bill Belichick. This should be one of the most exciting and anticipated Patriots offseason in a very long time.

Thank Giggity It's Friday

This is retarded. Michael Phelps just got suspended for 3 months by the USA Swimming Association for smoking weed during his break from competitive swimming. He also apparently will lose his Kellogg cereal sponsorship as they have declined to renew, saying that his behavior is "not consistent with the image of Kellogg". Are you fucking serious? This is ridiculous on a number of levels.

• Number 1, he didn't break any of those anti-doping rules because they apply to performance ENHANCING drugs.
• Number 2, it was the god damn off season.
• Number 3, doesn't marijuana give you the munchies, so wouldn't more people buy Kellogg's Corn Flakes if they were stoned? Kellogg needs to rethink their position here.
• Number 4, this guy just won 8 friggin Gold Medals in the Olympics. He should be allowed to do anything he wants, including murder, rape, and banging hookers.

I mean, seriously, what's the point of this 3 month suspension? It means he can't compete until May, and the World Championships are in July, which still gives him 2 months to prepare. It's not like he's barred from training or anything. He just can't use the official USA training facilities and stipend he gets for traveling. Big fucking deal. He has millions from endorsements already and has a countless number of places to train. It's completely illogical. You either punish him or you don't punish him. This is half-assed shit. You could either brush it aside as a mistake (which is what they should've done) or go big and suspend him forever. There is no middle ground here. Three months? So silly. If I were Phelps, I'd spend the next 3 months in Jamaica smoking my face off, come back and win the World Championships in July, and then moon the USA Swimming Association while on the podium.

Super Bowl Controversy Solved!

In case anyone was wondering, it looks like a video has been released that clearly indicates that Santonio Holmes had both feet down on his game winning touchdown catch. Here is the video:

Responding to Amit's comment

Amit K-O said...

True...we would like you to pick the lakers/celts game tonight...leave on TOP...also, for andy/q, the million dollar PATRIOT question now is what is MATT CASSEL really WORTH???? Are you aware of any credible trade scenarios?? Any ideas? I heard Tony G wants out of KC...would you accept Tony G and a 1st/2nd round pick for Matty C? I would welcome that but I also realize defense should be the priority. That said, Tony G would def be able to give us at least 3 sick, solid years...I also def think Detroit would trade us a 1st rounder (they have Dallas' after the hilarious Roy Williams deal) and prob 2nd/3rd for Cassel..thoughts??

February 5, 2009 12:55 PM

I will have to leave it to barstoolsports.com to answer this one. They did a wonderful job of breaking down the situation and give us 10 reasons the Patriots can, should and WILL get two 1st round draft picks for Matt Cassel.

Other Sports News

• Red Sox - 8 days until pitchers and catchers report!
• Bruins - they raced out to a 2-0 lead last night, then somehow surrendered 3 straight goals to the lowly Senators (who used to be good), and then managed to tie the game up with about 4 minutes left in regulation. They ended up winning 4-3 in the shootout. Two more points baby!
• Celtics - another winning streak ended by the Lakers. The Christmas night loss was already bullshit enough as we are the DEFENDING champions and had to fly all the way to LA for Christmas. Thanks David Stern. And to top it all off, we play the Lakers in the Garden last night and get the officiating crew of "Monty McCutchen, Jim Capers Jr., and Leon Wood". Who the fuck are these guys? Wouldn't you think that since this is such a pivotal regular season game, with a playoff atmosphere, that we'd have refs who actually have experience with these types of games? That was a horribly officiated game, on both ends, and naturally we got screwed because of it. Thank you again David Stern. So we're now 0-2 against the Lakers this year, which means that if we somehow face off in the NBA Finals, LA will have home court advantage. This is exactly what Stern wants. He wants the Celtics-Lakers again and he wants the Lakers to win this time so that the rivalry becomes even more intense, increasing the popularity and excitement of the NBA, which will then trickle down into larger revenues from television, merchandise, and ticket sales. Jews are smart.

Weekend Plans

• Tonight - I have no idea what I'm doing. Call me.
• Saturday - I scheduled an appointment to get my car inspected, get an oil change & filter, and have my tires rotated. Other than that, I'm going to the gym and have a Chinatown banquet from 7-10. Might hit up Fanueil Hall for drinks after. Holla.
• Sunday - I'll probably wake up hungover as usual. Celtics game is on at 1pm so I'll probably watch that, followed by King Rape (Kobe) vs. King James (Lebron) at 3:30pm. I think I'm going to Ruth's Chris for dinner as well because I am awesome and awesome people eat awesome food.

One last thing: Big shout out to Chris Plant aka CP Word! (picture below)

He's in there somewhere...

Have a good weekend phuckers!

Q's Locks of the Day

Got 2 picks for you guys today.

Q's Lock of the Day #1 Celtics -7. Let me start off by reminding you guys of 2 very important facts, Andrew Bynum is out and KG will be playing. I have zero clue how Joe Public is not all over the C's here, but I guess everybody forgot just how badly the Celtics dominated an Andrew Bynum-less Lakers last post-season. C's roll tonight. By the way - Jesus Shuttlesworth is now an All-Star. Congratulations bud...

Q's Lock of the Day #2 Michigan -4.5. So what if Penn State beat Michigan State in East Lansing Sunday. PSU is NOT a very good road team. They have the worst road free throw shooting % in the Big Ten and the only reason they were up by double digits against MSU was because they were launching ridiculous shots and making them. Stanley Pringle hit a 35 footer and Talor Battle launched a 30 footer that, I shit you not, banked in. Even up double digits with 3 mins to go PSU almost managed to blow the game. Michigan is a tough team at home and sadly, Michigan will win and cover.

Breaking news!

It appears that our beloved Big Q has decided to call it quits on gambling until March Madness. I'm not sure if it was the 5-9-1 record on locks of the day, or the fact that he is now homeless and now offering to suck dick for money, but this is seriously happening. What a pussy. Enough said.

Hey Big Q, you are a pansy!

In other news, I'm loving the ONE VOTE for the Baltimore Orioles to win the AL East. Who did that? Reveal yourself! I can't believe no one voted for the Tampa Bay Gays yet.

Larry Fitzgerald is my hero

Wow, what a game last night. That was the most exciting football game I've seen in awhile. Too bad the Cardinals lost because it sure seemed like they had it when my man Larry Fitz went streaking down the field for the go ahead score with a little under 3 minutes remaining in the game.

This play won Big Q's 300+ yard prop bet.

You gotta hand it to the Steelers though. They made the plays when it mattered most. Even though I'm not very fond of Pittsburgh, I'd like to list some of the things I do like about the Steelers team:

• Coach Mike Tomlin - This guy just gets it. He knows how to get the most out of his players and he's just a really smart coach. Hey college football! Black coaches are pretty good too!!! Plus, he looks exactly like the actor Omar Epps.
• Troy Polamalu - One of the best safeties in the league. Hard hitting, smart, and humble about it.
• Santonio Holmes - From selling drugs as a kid, to catching the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, to doing a fantastic impression of Lebron for his touchdown celebration (which should've been a 15 yard penalty since the rule states that you cannot use the ball as a prop). This guy is going to pull a Plaxico Burress in the off-season. You heard it here first.
  
• Terrible Towels - This is a joke. I would love to wipe my ass with one of those things. Any city whose fans waive towels or handkerchiefs is not a legitimate sports town in my opinion. Six Super Bowl Rings, One gay fan base.
  

Congratulations Omar Epps on your first Super Bowl victory!

So it looks like Big Q lost 4 out of 5 of his prop bets within the first 10 minutes of the broadcast. This isn't simply just "bad luck". Big Q clearly has the power to alter the outcome of anything in the world by simply betting on it. For the coin flip, he bet tails, it came up heads. He bet Arizona would receive the opening kickoff, then Pittsburgh received the opening kickoff. He bet on Arizona to be the first team to cross midfield, then 2 plays into the game Pittsburgh crossed midfield. He bet on shortest rushing TD +1.5 yards and then GARY RUSSELL scored a 1 yard TD one minute into the second quarter. He had Kurt Warner throwing for 300 yards as his last bet and it wasn't looking so hot going into the 4th quarter. And then finally, when almost all was lost, the IMMORTAL LARRY FITZGERALD saved Big Q from a Super Bowl donut hole by scoring on a 64 yard TD to vault Kurt Warner over 300 yards.

Lock of the day: Larry Fitzgerald is awesome.

Okay, so now that football season is officially over, it's time to start transitioning our brains to get ready for the marathon of all marathons: baseball season! It's going to be an interesting season since a lot of players switched teams and the Yankees purchased the entire universe. I can't wait for CC Sabathia to turn into Bartolo Colon and AJ Burnett to turn into Carl Pavano. 12 days until pitchers and catchers report. CC, get on that treadmill!

Hey Big Q, you better not bet on us this season. We'd like to win. Thanks.

Super Bowl Sunday!!

So it's one of the biggest gambling events of the year and you know what? I'm not going to touching the 7 point spread on the game. I'm leaning Pittsburgh but I refuse to root for Pittsburgh, and rooting for the opposite side of your wallet is about as fun as AIDS. So what does that leave us with? Prop bets baby!!!

As I have done since my sophomore year in college, I'll once again be on tails. Why? Tails never fails! Here are the other prop bets that I'll be burning my money on:

shortest rushing td over 1.5 +120
pitt doesnt have a good short yardage rushing game, zona i dont think will rush the ball very well. If Zona gets to the 1 they should be pulling plays from the Dave Wannstedt playbook anyways with the fade route to Fitzgerald.

kurt warner passing yards over 300 +185
he might need to passing the ball a bunch when they get down...if they're up it's due to the passing game. either way he'll get his passing yards.

first team to cross midfield - zona -105
zona likes to receive first, if Pittsburgh wins the toss they'll def defer...which leads to...

Q's Lock of the Day: team to receive opening kick-off zona -200