Happy New Year!

Looks like this is going to be the last blog entry of this year. Thank goodness. I can't wait for this year to end. Here is my ode to 2008 in rhyme form:

2008 was supposed to be great
It was filled with some love but also some hate
A bunch of people got married, it's about damn time
I got so drunk at the receptions, it should have been a crime

See, I don't drink because I'm unhappy, I drink because it's fun
There's no stopping my drinking once it officially has begun
Some say I'm an alcoholic or even a lush
That's probably true, but keep it hush hush!

I created new friendships, had to end one in vain
There's nothing worse than dealing with prolonged mental pain
I long to be sane, and I'm almost there
After reading this paragraph you have permission to call me queer

Let's talk about softball, that usually gives me a rise
The way the season played out was kind of a surprise
We won the Medway Tournament, thought we were good to go
Then we lost 2 championship games to Hung Lo

Broken bones, torn ACLs, and all that shit
We'll be back next year, you know we won't quit
Those aren't convenient excuses, we got beaten fair and square
Come March or April I'll be getting back in gear

Work has been busy, got a lot of projects and such
I'd rather be driving around in a Gran Turino like Starsky & Hutch
Walking in the cold is a pain in the ass
Everything I eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner gives me gas

I started going back to the gym, hitting them weights hard
What motivated me was the fact that I looked like a tub o' lard
Protein, creatine, nitric oxide, and multi-Vs
Don't mess with me or I'll pimp slap you while saying "nigga please"

Tonight will be the last night I drink this year
I will consume a lot of liquor and also a bunch of beer
I have no fear, 2009 should be fine
But if it isn't, I'll be holding this sign:



So I did the superpower poll a couple weeks ago and there was a 3-way tie. Apparently people couldn't decide between the ability to teleport, the ability to become invisible, or the ability to read other people's minds. What people could decide on was the fact that the ability to fly was CLEARLY THE WORST option, as noted by the ONE vote. I will now present my analysis on which is the best superpower.

The ability to fly clearly sucks compared to the rest of the options. What can you really do with that superpower? You can get from point A to point B faster than alternate means of transportation. See, this would be cool if the "ability to teleport" option wasn't available. Teleportation is so much faster. You ever hear the question, "if you could teleport, where would you go?" Well I'm pretty positive that 99% of all men have answered that question with "the Playboy Mansion". For the record, I do not fall into that remaining 1% category. So clearly, teleportation trumps flying because you can get to and from the Playboy Mansion as quickly as possible.

The ability to become invisible is also a cool power to have, but it's almost the same thing as being ugly since no one notices you anyway! But the best thing about being invisible is (guys all know this one): seeing women naked without them knowing. See, now this trumps the teleportation power because you can teleport to the Playboy Mansion, but still be ugly, so you could get kicked off the property (only to teleport back in and proceed to get kicked out again). But if you're invisible, you can stand and observe anything without people noticing you.

My winner for best superpower is the ability to read other people's minds. This plays to the theory from the movie "What Women Want" with Mel Gibson. Imagine if you could tell what members of the opposite sex were thinking? That would be an unbelievable power to have. I'd definitely get laid at least once a year if I had that power. This might suck if you're ugly though because then you'll just be reading all the minds of all these women thinking "oh my God, this guy is disgusting. I wouldn't sleep with him if he was the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth and the future of the human race depended on it."

I guess the moral of the story is: you better be good looking because no matter what superpower you have, you're not getting laid if you're ugly. So I guess the worst case scenario is an ugly person with no superpowers and the best case scenario is a good looking person with superpowers.

I am the worst case scenario.

Moving on... Everyone have a HAPPY NEW YEAR. Stay safe tonight, don't be stupid, and try to get your dicks (or pussies) wet!

I'll be back in the new year with a post regarding my opinion of the different seasons (spring, summer, fall, winter), as well as a recap of tonight's events (if I remember them) and some other bullshit.

GOODBYE 2008, HELLO 2009!

Merry Christmas!

I know it's actually Christmas Eve, but I'm writing this post today because I'll be busy tomorrow. I got a big day lined up. Gonna go to church, then lunch, then watch the Celtics BEAT LA, then home depot, and maybe even Bed Bath & Beyond, but I don't know... I don't know if I'll have enough time.


I mentioned in one of my previous posts that Christmas sucks. I didn't mean that. What I think I meant to say was that the whole materialistic aspect of it sucks. Some people think that the spirit of Christmas is to go buy presents for a bunch of people. See, this is retarded for a few reasons:

• It's a complete waste of money
• People usually don't like what you buy them anyway
• And if they do like it, they probably told you what to get them to begin with, so there's no suspense
• Holiday traffic sucks my left nut

The whole point of Christmas is to actually spend time with your loved ones. So if gift giving is a small part of that, then it's okay. But if you're just giving people gifts and then peacing out, that's ridiculous. My point is, it's not about "presents", it's about "presence". Wow, that's deep. And yes, that's what she said...

I have written a poem/rhyme/whatever you want to call it about Christmas. Enjoy.

December 25th is a great time of year
It's Christmas! Everybody eat and drink beer!
Don't waste your money on a big stupid gift
Like the Wonderbra, this day will give you a lift
For my present, just get me a hooker, please
That or I'd like to see Ray Allen drop a bunch of threes
The Lakers are fakers, they are the Grinch
Being crybabies is the only title they can clinch
I want to throw a snowball at your head
I wouldn't be sad if DeAngelo Williams was dead
Red and green are the colors of this day
To all the little kids: Santa is not real! Okay?

Merry Christmas to you all! Make sure you enjoy your HO HO HOs!



Big shout out to the Stoneham heads who I saw at The Harp last night! Good to see everyone. No one has changed, it's fantastic.

Below, I've found the best Christmas song ever made:




I'm singing this at Church tomorrow!

Responding to some comments...

A few of you have left comments, some with questions, and I'd like to respond to them. I'm going to make it a point from now on to respond to people's comments so ask any question you want and I'll respond. Here goes...

Amit said...

whats up man..can i request a post re your thoughts on the TEIXERA saga/sweepstakes?? Also, any thoughts re the CELTS semi-historic run (23-2)

December 17, 2008 3:00 PM

I kind of alluded to this yesterday, but I'll go a little more in-depth with it. I think Scott Boras, the agent for Mark Texeira and a bunch of other big name players (see list of clients), is a snake. He has no regard for the fans or for a player's well-being. He only cares about money because he's getting roughly a 5-10% cut of each contract that is signed. So for example, if one of his clients signs a $100 million contract, Boras gets around $5-10 million of that. So basically, whichever team offers the most money is most likely to sign his client. To be fair, that is what most players and agents are looking for, so it's not just him. However, Boras is the most cut-throat, greedy, sinister, and unfortunately, SMARTEST agent out there. He savagely makes teams bid against each other to skyrocket the price, and perceived value, of a player. In the case of JD Drew, he even went as far as making the Red Sox bid against THEMSELVES. From a fan's perspective, he's a complete asshole who manipulates the player's union, the team, the owners, and the fans. But from a player's perspective, he's probably the best agent to have if you are a good player looking for a great contract.

As for the specific Texeira sweepstakes/saga, this is just a typical Scott Boras induced tug-of-war where Boras will set the "market price" and wait for a team to match (or come to close to matching) it. He's not stupid. They've set Texeira's value at 8 years and roughly $180 million. Texeira has stated that he wants to play for a championship contending team and most likely wants to go back to play on the East Coast where he's from (Annapolis, Maryland). The Red Sox reportedly offered 8 years and roughly $165-170 million. The Angels wouldn't go that high so they backed out. The Orioles and Nationals need to bid even higher than $180 million if they want to get him because they have no chance of winning a World Series anytime soon. So theoretically, if Texeira lives up to his word, then he's most likely going to sign with the Red Sox because they have offered the biggest contract, are on the East Coast, and have the infrastructure in place to win a World Series. So who do I think is actually going to sign Texeira? The YANKEES. They have so much money coming off the books from last year that they could afford to sign CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and still have enough money to sign Texeira (which would be a royal "F-U" to the Red Sox). If you think about it, their biggest hole now is in their offense as their players are getting old. Add to the fact that they are opening a brand new stadium and want it to be a historic event with a historic team, and my bet is on the Yankees landing Texeira for 8 years $190 million. I hope I'm wrong.

Quick mention of the Celtics run. They have now won 18 straight games and are going for #19 tonight at home against a Philly team without Elton Brand. Most people would assume it'll be a blowout from the start. I'm predicting a close game at halftime and then the Celtics pull away in the middle of the 3rd quarter. Celtics by 15. If they win tonight, it'll be the best 29 game start in NBA history, so hopefully it happens. And then we have the Lakers on Christmas day. This team is obsessed with us it's not even funny. Read this article and tell me how much of a baby Sasha Vujacic is, or you can just watch this clip from last year's NBA finals to see that this guy is a turd.




Needless to say, the Lakers are gonna be amped to play so I'm predicting that they miss a ton of shots early like Atlanta did when they played us the other week, but finally settle in near the end of the first quarter. This is gonna be a close game. Celtics by 5.

Danny said...

Yo, you might be a redneck if you are holding a shotgun in your fantasy football profile pick, sorry you had to lose another one to "the man"! Say hello to your mother for me!

December 22, 2008 11:41 AM

Yeah, my buddy was a redneck for halloween so that was his fantasy football profile picture. I am still seething over the shit bomb my team put up this past weekend, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. In other news, I'm starting a fantasy MILF league. Say hi to your mother for me!

John Hopkins said...

After years and years we get to hear some hockey talk - Fuckin A - Great call free em all { At least for a day }

December 22, 2008 9:25 PM

At first I thought this comment was from JM but now that I think about it, I think it was from a random person. In any event, I appreciate the comment. The Bruins are on a major tear right now. They are the best team in the Eastern Conference, hands down. Now this is very early in the season, and you never know what could happen down the road, but we could be witnessing something special here. The only thing bad about the situation is that the Bruins are still owned by Jeremy Jacobs, one of the biggest douchebag owners in sports for the last 30+ years. This guy basically ran the team as a business, and ONLY a business, which caused this site to be created. See, the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics value profit, but they also realize that you can increase your profit by investing in winning talent. For 30 years, Jeremy Jacobs didn't understand that. Once the Red Sox and Patriots created the winning formula, the Celtics caught on and now finally the Bruins have as well. In the last few years, they hired a good general manager (Peter Chiarelli), who then hired a great coach (Claude Julien), eased off the purse strings a little bit and now we have a championship contender.

We have a great team. All of our even strength lines are solid, our power play unit and shorthanded unit are solid, our goalies are solid, and Milan Lucic will punch you in the face if you think otherwise. I know a lot of people never got into hockey, or didn't (and still don't) consider hockey as a real sport, but I always have liked hockey and liked the Bruins. I grew up playing street hockey with my buddies and a lot of my friends played hockey in high school, so I have fond memories and a great appreciation for the game on ice. I am not a fairweather fan. If you think so, Milan Lucic will punch you in the face. By the way, we just ordered NHL '09 for PS3. Can't wait!

This is a great time to be a Boston sports fan. The Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics are perennial championship contenders, and now we have the Bruins looking unstoppable. We are definitely spoiled. I just feel bad for all the people who had to suffer years and years of turmoil and finally felt the sweet taste of championships because we have kids who are only 8 years old that have already witnessed 3 Super Bowl titles, 2 World Series championships, and 1 NBA championship. Sports are cyclical and in 10 years we could have all sub par teams. So I guess we should milk it while we can.

Rosa: can u please write a blog post about how i crushed u last week in fantasy bball? thanks

December 22, 2008 11:56AM via Google Chat

Just because it was your birthday yesterday, and because I apparently suck at fantasy sports, here you go.

Click picture to see me getting owned in fantasy basketball.

Yeah, so my friend Rosa, who is playing fantasy basketball for the first time, just murdered me last week as you can see from the above image. Most people would rationalize her winning as"beginner's luck". I'd like to call it "I suck at fantasy sports". By the way, happy 30th birthday Rosa!!!

I Hate the Winter

Most people know that I fuckin hate the winter. If you didn't know that, well now you do. Other than our sports teams, there is nothing good about winter in the New England area. It's cold, there are germs floating around all over the place, snow ruins peoples' plans, it gets dark outside really early, and Christmas sucks. Yes, you can call me the Grinch.

Here's a quick update of the last 5 days of my stupid life:

• Wednesday - I woke up Wednesday morning feeling like a pile of crap. I already know that I AM a pile of crap, but usually I don't feel like it. Well I'd like to thank either my roommate Jon or my buddy Mark (who I went to the Celtics game with) for getting me sick. I'd also like to thank myself for drinking my body into submission the previous weekend (see previous blog entry for details). This definitely weakened my immune system and made it susceptible to sickness. So anyway, I had to call in sick from work. I basically had every symptom from the Nyquil bottle. The worst part about it was the fact that my nose was more stuffed than a hooker's vagina on a Friday night (or more stuffed than a "Thanksgiving turkey" for all you PG-13 people). So naturally, I spent the entire day getting rest, drinking vitamin C, and taking medicine, which coincidentally, are things I probably should have been doing to AVOID getting sick to begin with. Did I mention the fact that I am an idiot? Oh wait, yeah, I already did that multiple times in this blog.
  
  
• Thursday - I woke up Thursday and still felt like crap, but decided to go to work because I didn't want to be the only person who felt like crap (read: I was trying to get everyone else sick so they could feel my misery). Made it through the workday without any incidents, went to the gym after work, then watched the Jaguars blow a 14-0 lead against the Colts. I wasn't really surprised that the Colts came back because they shouldn't have let a shitty team like the Jags take a two touchdown lead anyway. This pissed me off though for two reasons: 1) When you see a team jump out to a 14-0 lead, you do have a glimmer of hope that they might actually win the game, and 2) I fuckin hate Peyton Manning. I'll admit, the guy is a great quarterback, but he's a tool. Did you see him hiding his face as the Jags were driving down the field at the end of the game? And then did you see him cheering like a little school girl when they sacked Garrard to end the game? You would never see Tom Brady acting like a bitch. If the same situation played out for the Patriots with Brady at the helm, Brady would watch the other team drive down the field (obviously with some nervousness) and when the Patriots sealed the win, he would just raise his arm stoically like the champ that he is. That's the difference between a 3-time Super Bowl champ and a bitch who accidentally won one Super Bowl. More Manning-hate to come later in this blog...
  
  
• Friday - Thanks to Mother Nature, Governor Patrick (or "Free 'Em All Deval" as JM likes to call him) decided to give all non-essential state employees the day off from work. Giddy up! If you aren't sure what a non-essential state employee is, just look it up in the dictionary. You'll see a picture of me. No, basically, the best way to explain it is to explain what "essential" state employees are. Those are people who work in hospitals, state/local police and firefighters, and other emergency personnel. I don't fall into any of those categories, thus, I was in my underwear all day Friday. The snow was pretty bad, once it actually started. It was about 1PM when I looked outside and the snow still hadn't started falling. I was thinking how funny it would've been if the storm didn't even happen. But then the storm happened, and boy did it happen. I haven't seen it snow for more than 2 days straight in a long time. This was good and bad. It was bad because it ruined my chances of going out this weekend and made me have cabin fever at home. But it was good because I was able to rest up, get hydrated for once, and most importantly, NOT DRINK ALCOHOL THIS ENTIRE WEEKEND. Yup, that's right. I haven't had any alcohol in a week. New world record!
  
  
• Saturday - I woke up Saturday and my stuffy nose was actually feeling a little bit better. I felt like I was starting to get a sore throat, however, so my roommate and I decided to go get some wonton noodle soup for brunch. We trekked through the snow and decided to try out the Best Cafe (located right underneath China Pearl on Tyler Street). This place is sweet. They give you a large amount of food and it's cheap. This is our new go-to brunch spot (well, until they raise the prices and force us to go somewhere else). Drinking the broth from the soup helped out my sore throat so it was mission accomplished. Headed back to the condo and watched college football and college basketball for the rest of the afternoon. At 5PM, I decided to MAN-UP and go to the gym. Jon didn't want to go because he developed a case of the hives (or HIV, or genital herpes, or something along those lines that he needed to take care of) so he stayed home. Needless to say, the gym was pretty empty. I drove to the Boston Sports Club (BSC) in Watertown. I didn't go to the BSC in the South End because I didn't feel like having gay guys undress me with their eyes while I was trying to work out. So I did my workout, which consisted of full body lifting, 20 minutes of swimming, and then 30 minutes in the sauna followed by a shower. I felt good after. Went to the supermarket on the way home to pick up some stuff because our fridge was starting to look like the Bundy fridge in "Married with Children". I got home in time to eat dinner and then turn on the Ravens/Cowboys game. Naturally, I was cheering for the Cowboys since the Patriots needed the Ravens to lose so we'd have a better chance of making the playoffs. Unfortunately, Tony Romo sucks dick, and so does Ken Hamlin. How do you allow 2 touchdown runs of over 70 yards in the final 4 minutes WHEN YOU KNOW THEY ARE GONNA RUN THE BALL??? I can't even explain how stupid that was, so I'm not going to.
  
  
• Sunday - We went back to Best Cafe for brunch because that place is awesome. We ordered the sampan congee (or as we say in Chinese: "tan jai jook"), fried turnip cake (or as we say in Chinese: "law bahk go"), and for some reason Jon wanted crab rangoons (or as we say in Chinese: "crab rangoons"). Made it back home in time to drop a massive deuce and get ready for Sunday's slate of NFL games. It was interesting because we were cheering for the Patriots to win (obviously) and for the Dolphins and Jets to lose. KC had the Dolphins on the ropes and somehow fucked it up, but fortunately the Jets found a way to lose to the Seahawks. The Patriots took care of business, which was good and bad. Good because if we win next week against Buffalo, and either the Jets beat Dolphins or the Ravens lose, then we're in the playoffs. Bad because I FUCKIN STARTED KURT WARNER AND NEIL RACKERS ON MY FANTASY TEAM FOR THE FANTASY FUCKIN CHAMPIONSHIP!
  
  I can't even begin to explain how pissed off I am at my fantasy team. Kurt Warner, Neil Rackers, and Andre Johnson (3 of my studs) combined for a total of THREE fantasy points. That is not a misprint. THREE TOTAL POINTS. They scored ONE point each. I was thinking about this last night and was like "well, I should've started someone else because of the conditions", but come to think of it, no way. Matt Cassel had no problems whatsoever with the conditions, throwing for 345 yards and 3 touchdowns. It didn't help that the Cardinals decided to replace Warner with Matt Leinart in the 3rd quarter, effectively putting the tombstone on my fantasy grave. I hate my life. I have Donald Driver going for me tonight and my opponent has Greg Jennings. I am losing 118-39. This could be the worst defeat in the history of fantasy sports championships. My team is almost getting TRIPLED in points. If that happens, you've heard it (or read it) here first: I WILL RETIRE FROM FANTASY SPORTS.
  
  
  
  Please click on the image if you want to laugh at me.
  
  
  Please let it be known that my retirement will most likely be like a Michael Jordan, Jay-Z type retirement where I actually retire and then come back somehow "rejuvenated".
  
  So the Giants/Panthers game was on last night and I had high hopes for a Panthers win, not just because I am a huge Steve Smith fan, but because I FUCKIN HATE ELI MANNING TOO. Let's just make it clear: I hate the entire Manning family. They give hope to all cry babies in this world and that is not a good thing. As expected, somehow the Panthers blew a 21-10 lead when all they had to do was keep running the ball. No defense can stop the DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart combo. It's impossible. Good thing I fell asleep before the Giants won in overtime or I would've had a hissyfit. Yes, grown men can have hissyfits. Oh, and I can too.
  

Other news:

• Celtics and Bruins keep chugging along. Get well soon to Big Baby who got into a car accident on the way to the Celtics game, as well as Patrice Bergeron who suffered ANOTHER concussion.
• The Red Sox, rightfully so, made a stand against evil agent Scott Boras in the Mark Texeira sweepstakes. I had a feeling he was trying to make us bid against ourselves. Apparently John Henry thinks so as well. I'm also glad the Angels removed themselves from that debacle as well.
• I'm going to be at The Harp tomorrow night (Tuesday) for a mini high school reunion. Some folks who now live on the West Coast are going to be back in town for the Holidays so it'll be good to catch up with old friends.
• I'll do a post on the results of the superpower poll, along with a possibly cynical Merry Xmas theme.

Stay tuned...

Ski/Snowboard Trip Etiquette

As many of you know, this past weekend I went on a ski/snowboarding trip to Killington with a bunch of people. Here is how it played out...

I left work at noon on Friday and headed home, thinking that we were going to leave at 1pm like we said we would. Naturally, that didn't happen because most Asian people are not punctual at all. So Steve-O came and picked me up, and we picked up a couple others, and we ended up taking off at around 2:45. Fortunately, there was no traffic going up north. The cool thing about riding with Steve-O is the fact that he has a DVD player in his car. We watched porn the entire ride to Killington. Needless to say, I was a happy camper. Just kidding, we actually watched Better Luck Tomorrow and then some DJ Tiesto concert.

So we get to the rental house at about 7pm, unload our shit, then a few of us headed to the mountain to go pick up our medallions. It was the 50th anniversary of Killington being open so we pre-ordered these medallions that entitled you to the entire weekend of skiing plus a bunch of discounts on food and other shit, for only $50. What a deal. After we picked those up, we went to the market to pick up some bare necessities (TP, PT, napkins, water, soda, mixers, etc.) and then headed back to the house. Other people had already bought a bunch of 30 racks and liquor so we were ready to rock and roll.

But before we commenced drinking, there was a spaghetti dinner waiting for us. Thank you to the ladies who volunteered to cook. After dinner, it turned into animal house up in that joint. Beer pong, flip cup, rock band, pull up contests, gay sex, hot tub, you name it, it was happening. The night pretty much ended after Steve-O got completely wasted, fell over, couldn't stand, and had to be carried downstairs into his bed.

Here is a few pictures to explain the rest of the evening:

Chilling before all hell breaks loose.

Wow, that pasta was good.

Drunk people (look at Steve-O!)

Me waiting for the Oozinator.

Guys, those microphones aren't cocks. Be easy...

Steve-O shortly before he had to be carried downstairs to his bed.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like complete shit and couldn't understand why. Oh yeah, I drank like 15 beers and had 5 shots the night before. I am a turd. On the bright side, we decided to make a "hangover special" breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, bread, sausage links, and bacon. Needless to say, I had to shit about 3 times before we even left the house to go to the mountain.

We finally got everyone out of the house and were going to head to the mountain when Tan's car battery died. Then he almost locked his keys in his car. What a goof haha. Luckily for him, and everyone else, they were able to jumpstart the car and we were on our way. I picked up a pair of rental skis and we were all good to go. Of course, I was the only skier out of the 20+ people. Apparently I'm either uncool or old fashioned, but I seem to prefer going down a mountain looking forward instead of being sideways. I must admit though, snowboarders definitely have much more style. They have cool designs on their boards and some sweet ass outfits. You can't really pull that off being a skier. Not that I really care though since I'm not even a winter sports kind of guy. I don't even really enjoy skiing. I just went because I didn't want to stay at the house by myself beating off all day.

In retrospect, that probably would've been a better idea because it was fuckin cold as fuck on Saturday. It was single digits outside, plus a wind chill on top of that. I was freezing my tits off.

We are so cool (literally!)

We left the mountain, went home, chilled for awhile, then went to this restaurant called the Wobbly Barn. This was my first time at Killington, so naturally, this was my first time at the Wobbly Barn. Everyone I talked to before the trip mentioned it, so I knew it was going to be tight. We had a small wait, so a few of us (led by me) decided to pass the time by getting some beers. Did I mention that I'm an alcoholic? Well, if I didn't, wait till the recap of this night's events.

We got seated and everyone ordered the 12oz. prime rib entree. Apparently it was only 20 bucks if you have that medallion that I was talking about earlier. What a deal. After we ordered, we then went to the ALL YOU CAN EAT soup/salad bar. I don't even know how to explain how excited I was about this. A full day of skiing, a huge appetite, then an unlimited amount of food. I was having so much fun that I decided to hit on the waitress who was this old lady who was probably at least 50 years old. Ask anyone who was sitting at the table with me (Joe, Ha-Le, or Steve-O), she definitely wanted to do me. I am disgusting.

I think all 20+ people ordered prime rib.

After dinner, most of the people decided to be pussies and "take a nap" because they were so stuffed or tired from the night before or whatever lame excuse they could come up with. Me and a couple others decided to stay up and start drinking. A few other people showed up and I started playing major card drinking games with them for about 2 hours before everyone else woke up. So basically, all the other people were just waking up, and I was already bombed. This was not good for me since the same thing that happened the night before happened again: beer pong, flip cup, etc.

We played team flip cup (9 cups per team) and I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking, even almost hoping that people from my team would get eliminated so I could drink another cup. At one point, I was the last one left and had to drink/flip 9 cups myself versus the other team who had like 6-7 people tasked with doing that. I somehow made it all the way to the last cup before they finally defeated me. Then we played again and thank God Loi came through in the clutch because 2 L's would've been bad. If you want to see video of how drunk I was, please login to Facebook and go here.

After flip cup ended, I played a few games of beer pong. We had the Tan/Chan combo going. Me and him were murking everybody. After that, I'd love to tell you what happened but I ended up blacking out and vaguely remember taking a massive dump in the bathroom at like 3-4am, then stumbling back to the aero bed.

Do not drink alcohol.

Woke up with a massive hangover on Sunday. And by massive hangover, I mean that I puked a couple times, took a bunch of crazy shits, didn't even go skiing because I had the runs, passed out at the ski lodge looking like a homeless man for 2 hours, then slept the entire ride home instead of being a nice passenger and keeping Steve-O awake and alert as he was driving.

Note to self: I am an asshole.

So now this brings us to the topic that you all voted on:

Ski/Snowboard Trip Etiquette

I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to write about here. I guess it's going to be a sarcastic piece on how to handle yourself when you go on one of these trips. There are so many different variables so I'll just cover them as I think of them.

Packing (this has nothing to do with anal sex)

For all intents and purposes, you are going on this trip to ski/snowboard, drink, and eat. Nothing more, nothing less. So all you need to do is pack your skis/snowboard, one outfit for the mountain, one other outfit for hanging out at the rental house, one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, a towel, and a swimsuit (if there's a jacuzzi). Oh, and bring some money to pay whoever organized the trip. Pack anything more than what I stated above and you are an idiot. Listen, you should expect to be wearing the same underwear and same outfit for the duration of the weekend. It's no time to impress anyone. Toothbrushes, and other toiletries, are optional. Make sure you start packing 5 minutes before you're supposed to leave.

Driving to the Rental House

Please make sure that you are not on time, whether you are driving or getting picked up. No one minds waiting for you. This plays into the "start packing 5 minutes before you're supposed to leave" comment. Also, even though you knew about this trip well in advance, don't bother requesting time off from work, but still let your driver/passengers know that you'll be out of work early. It's so much fun telling people "Oh yeah, I can't get out of work when I said I could. Oops."

As for the actual drive. Drivers: make sure that you stuff your trunk so that everyone's stuff cannot fit. This way, you will have to pile bags/food/etc. on top of people. This makes them uncomfortable and hinders your view from the rear view mirror. This is smart because it makes sure people are PUMPED when they get to the rental house because they can't wait to get the fuck out of the car.

Passengers: Other than not being ready on time, another rule of thumb is to make sure you drink an entire gallon of water right before you get picked up so that the driver has to stop 15 minutes into the ride to let you take a leak. If you're really smart, you'd eat at a buffet beforehand so that you're farting all over the place in the car and have to stop to "unload". Another good thing to do is to make sure you fall asleep, especially if you're sitting in shotgun position (next to the driver). The driver is already investing around 3 hours into the drive and wants peace and quiet, and maybe a nap or two, during the drive.

Staying at the Rental House

Don't bring sleeping bags, blankets or pillows. You aren't going to sleep anyway, unless you pass out from drinking. And if you do pass out from drinking, you won't care where you're sleeping anyway. Also, when deciding where to rent a place, choose a place that only holds half the amount of people you are planning on going with. So for example, if you are going on the trip with 20 people, rent a place that states it only holds a maximum of 10 occupants. This way, everyone will be really close and basically piling onto each other. This is really good if you're trying to hook up with someone because you might accidentally get a cheap feel, purely as a result of the living situation.

If there's a jacuzzi (hot tub), make sure that you go to the bathroom while you're in there. It's so cold outside, why bother getting out of the jacuzzi and potentially freezing your genitals? Just go right in there. No one is going to know anyway. It's already warm as shit to begin with.

As far as drinking is concerned, it's your job to drink as much as possible, get completely shitfaced and rowdy, and destroy as many things as you can. Hey, it's not your place, why give a shit right? Throw beer cans around, pour it all over the floor, puke in the sink, run around naked, basically do whatever the hell you want. There are no rules and no consequences.

If you do plan on sleeping, make sure you wait until everyone else is asleep, then crawl into bed with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Who cares if that person is disgusted? You're both probably drunk anyway, maybe that person will put out. If that person doesn't, it's okay. Neither of you will remember it the following day anyway.

Now let's move on to eating. Do not participate in helping to prepare any of the meals. This cuts into your drinking time. Other people are there to cook for you. Also, make sure you criticize the people who cooked the meals unless the food is unbelievably good. People respond to criticism by making their meals better the next time. Make sure you chew with your mouth open as well. There's nothing that warms peoples' ears more than the sound of chewing like a horse. People will love you for it.

Skiing/Snowboarding at the Mountain

When you get to the mountain, please make every effort to lose all the people you came with. There's nothing better than the feeling of not knowing where anyone else is. Oh yeah, don't bring your cell phone with you either so no one can find you. Once you've accomplished that, you are ready to go skiing/snowboarding. Once you get to the line for the lift, make sure you either puke, fart, or shit your pants. That way, everyone will get out of your way and you can make it to the front of the line quicker. When it's your turn to go on the lift, purposely fall off so that they have to stop it, causing a huge delay/inconvenience for everyone else. Do the same thing when you're about to come off of the lift.

When riding down the mountain, make sure you run into as many people as possible, with the express intent of knocking over little kids. Don't worry about picking them up if you knock them down, that's what their parents are there to do. Also, try to cut people off as closely as possible so that they have to immediately dart out of your way to protect themselves. This increases the chances of them crashing into a tree or other hard object. Again, this is good.

When you get to the bottom of the mountain, ask yourself: Is my equipment good enough or could I do better? If you could do better, then go ahead and steal someone else's skis/snowboard. You are the coolest person on the mountain. You deserve to have the coolest gear.

At the ski lodge, when you are hungry, make sure you steal as much food as possible. The prices in there are insane, so why pay them? Another thing, if you need to take a shit after eating, make sure you don't flush the toilet when you're done. Flushing the toilet wastes water. You don't want to do that, do you?

Driving Back Home

You need to realize that these trips are so much fun that you'll do anything to stay there. A good thing to do is hide your driver's keys so you can't leave. If that doesn't work, then make sure you leave the car lights on the night before so the battery is dead the morning of departure. I mean, hey, who wants to drive 3 hours back home when you can stay at the rental house and forget about going back to work on Monday?

If all attempts to foil the drive home fail, and you actually do end up driving home, make sure you fall asleep the entire ride (just like you did on the ride there). The driver is probably tired as shit and needs rest, so don't bother him/her by carrying on a conversation to keep that person awake. That would be rude. Oh, and again like on the ride up, make sure you have to go to the bathroom as much as possible. I mean, c'mon, no one really wants to go home after drinking and skiing/snowboarding all weekend, so what's the rush? When you finally do make it back home, however, make sure you DO NOT thank the driver for the ride. This person just took you away from paradise. This person should be apologizing to you.

So I guess a good rule of thumb for going on these trips is to be a complete pain in the ass. Everyone will like you better because people like people who are different.

I hope you all enjoyed my sarcastic piece on ski/snowboard etiquette. Please do not try any of these tactics in real life. If you do, you really are an asshole.

Adios!

Oozinator!

Only one day left to vote on the superpower poll. Get your votes in before it's too late!

Oh, and if you haven't decided what to get for a Christmas present, I suggest this:




I will have a recap of the ski/snowboard trip tomorrow or Wednesday...

Booyakasha

Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
I have a place to go
Fuck the snow fuck the snow fuck the snow

I'm supposed to go to Killington today for a weekend trip. It's great that it's snowing up there and we should have some nice powder. However, the ride up there today is going to suck more ass that a vacuum cleaner shoved up your butt. Anyway, I think I'm staying at a place with about 25 people. Like most of these winter housing accommodations, this place has a hot tub. This is a good thing, right? Naturally, like most Boston Asian events, this is going to be a pickle party. See, this would be cool if I was gay. Unfortunately, I am not. Plus, if I was, I would've called in sick to work on Wednesday.

To be honest, it's actually not gonna be that bad in terms of the chick to dick ratio. Well, it is if we're talking about single chick to single dick ratio, but I digress...

As I mentioned in the previous post, I will write an entry about ski/snowboard trip etiquette after I complete this trip.

- New Red Sox uniforms, what to you think???

- Yankees fans, CC Sabathia's new jersey was unveiled already!

Finally, before I go, I want to alert people who don't know about a great foundation for cancer research. The Jimmy V Foundation was established after famed college basketball coach, Jim Valvano, passed away after fighting a long battle with cancer. If you have any extra dough this year, most of you probably don't, but if you do, donate to this foundation. Just watch the video:





One of the best speeches ever. Period.


Enjoy your weekend!

Today is Hump Day

Apparently, since Wednesday is in the middle of the week, you are getting over the "hump" when you get past this day. Sorry to everyone who thought that this was a day where people just want to have uncontrollable sex. My friends, that day is "everyday".

Thanks to everyone for voting on the most recent poll. The results are in and it looks like I'll be writing about ski/snowboard trip etiquette. I'll hold off on that until next week with the reasons being:

1. I am too lazy to write about it right now
2. I am going on a ski/snowboard trip this weekend so I should have good material when I come back

I will probably be posting some incriminating pictures from the trip as well, so I am letting everyone know right now: If you do something stupid that is caught on camera, it may end up on this blog.

In other news, I just went to the State House to get a free flu shot. I was in and out in like 5 minutes, which according to all of the girls I've hooked up with, is 4 minutes longer than I last in bed. Basically, you walk in, fill out some dumb form, sit in a cheap folding chair as someone stabs you with the flu shot, and then they let you go. They really got the process down pat. It's like an assembly line. For anyone who hasn't received a flu shot yet, I would suggest you go do that. No one wants your filthy flu-infested germs spreading all over the place. However, if you have filthy STD-infested germs, ladies please send them my way. Thanks.

So I got my new Blackberry Curve a couple of days ago. It was a replacement for the other Curve I had that broke. The trackball, which you use to scroll up/down/left/right, somehow broke on my other one so T-Mobile sent me a brand new one. Worst week of my life. I couldn't check emails without going to this gigantic gadget that people call a "computer". It was horrible. I also had to use this "computer" thing to surf the internet. I was not happy. Fortunately, once I setup my new Curve, everything fell back into place. I am one happy camper.

Disclaimer: Do not buy a Blackberry. They call them "Crackberries" for a reason. It will take over your life.

That's it for now. I'll post again once something stupid happens to me or someone else, which could be 5 minutes from now...

Poker, Xmas trees, and a lot of Sports

I'd like to talk about Christmas real quick. My roommate Jon and I were feeling some serious holiday spirit so we went to Home Depot on Friday night and picked up a Christmas tree (a real one). It's 8 feet tall at its peak. Only cost 30 bucks, for those of you interested in doing the same thing. We've outfitted it with lights and ornaments. We are so cool. Pictures will be posted soon. We also plan on ordering a Star of David to put on top of the tree. Yes, we know that the Star of David is Jewish. Yes, we know we are not Jewish. This is all I did Friday night. I am a loser. I'm getting myself a hooker for a Christmas present. Tis the season for HO HO HOES!

Also: Tis the season for DO DO DOUGH! I won 2 poker tournaments this weekend. I am retiring from poker because I'm never this lucky. Just kidding about the retirement part. We're probably having people over for poker in the coming weeks. Stay posted.

In other news, if you look at the comment section from my previous post (the guest author), it looks like we got our first taste of haterade:

More sophmoric humor! You know, sometimes one would like to read a little bit about trillion dollar bailouts and failing economic systems, not whether or not a girls nether regions are taken care of. Is this all we have to look forward to from your generation? More questions about the state of our once fine country lies in the echos of double d's and hairy pussies! This speaks strongly to what many of us have thought to ourselves, but have been to afraid to say aloud, and that is that we are DOOMED! Keep up the good work fellas, we are all very proud of you!

December 5, 2008 3:21 PM

This is great for a number of reasons:

1. Once people start criticizing you, it means that you've finally made it!
2. This person must really like my blog to continue to come back to it to read my "sophmoric" humor.
3. Dude, it's spelled "sophomoric".
4. If you really wanted to read about "bailouts" and "failing economic systems", why the hell would you come to this blog to do that? It's fuckin called "Brain Dump" with a reference to defecation.
5. We are DOOMED!

Moving on to sports. This weekend was pretty interesting if you are a sports fan. Not only did we have a massive amount of college football conference championship games, but we also had the De La Hoya/Pacquiao boxing match, the Bruins continuing to win, the Celtics continuing their dominance, some exciting NFL games, and the deadline to accept/reject arbitration for major league baseball free agents.

Let's start off with Saturday, and we know that Saturday equals college football. It looks like all the projections were correct. Florida and Oklahoma are gonna duke it out in the BCS national championship game on January 8, 2009. The Florida/Alabama game on Saturday was pretty close the entire time until Florida pulled away at the end. I was impressed by Alabama because I thought they were going to get smoked (even though they were the #1 ranked team in the country coming in). Congrats Florida, sorry Alabama. Oklahoma also did its job by pounding Missouri. They scored over 60 points for the 5th consecutive game or something like that. This should be one interesting national championship game! Here's a list of the bowl schedule.

Now I'd like to talk about what potentially could've been the worst BCS bowl game in the history of the world: Cincinnati vs. Boston College. The BCS should be ashamed of themselves for having such a horrible system. These automatic bids for the "BCS" conferences is such a joke. Cincinnati isn't even that good. And then you have Boston College play Virgina Tech for the ACC title, and the winner of that crap fest was going on to play Cincinnati. All 3 of these teams are not BCS bowl material, but if anything, Virginia Tech deserves to be there because they had to suffer the Seung-Hui Cho incident. If you don't know what that is, google the name and you'll remember.

Let me say something: BC fans are terrible. They are not "superfans" as they call themselves. They don't even travel to road games, and their enthusiasm at home games is atrocious. I know because I've been to 2 games at BC. It's like a morgue in there. Plus, they have got to be the most arrogant fans in the entire country. I don't know why they think their teams are so good. The only sports they consistently have a chance of winning a national title in are hockey and men's soccer. Back to football. You should not be BCS bowl eligible if your fans are as non-diehard as BC fans. Fortunately though, Virginia Tech smacked them and at least made the Orange Bowl somewhat acceptable because there may actually be fans from both teams there, unlike what would've happened if BC won.

And fittingly, guess what happened. BC is playing in the GAYLORD HOTELS Music City Bowl. Enough said. The following video is the best thing that happened during this game. It is a player celebrating after the kicker was good on a 50 yard field goal:



Saturday night consisted of the Bruins smacking the Florida Panthers 4-0 and MANNY PACQUIAO destroying Oscar De La Hoya. This guy is no joke. Manny Pacquiao is incredible. Best pound for pound boxer right now. Good thing I lived with Filipinos in college because they introduced me to Pacquiao about 4-5 years ago. This man is the truth. I'd fight him... HAHA.

Ouch!

The NFL slate of games yesterday was pretty good. There were a bunch of close games, and on top of that, fantasy football playoffs were happening to a lot of people as well. Fortunately for me, I had a bye week since I finished in the top 2 of the league. Thank you very much. As for the real games, the Patriots looked like an old and beaten team for most of the game, but then realized that they were playing the 2-win Seahawks and pulled it out at the end. The Cowboys somehow blew a 13-3 lead in the last 7 minutes of the game, the Giants and Jets both lost (woohoo!) and Indy is becoming dominant again (dammit!). Add to the fact that I won a poker tournament, ate a shitload of tacos, drank a bunch of beer, and watched my Celtics crush the Pacers spirits in overtime, my Sunday was pretty good.

The Winter Meetings start today for major league baseball. Looks like all the big name free agents rejected arbitration from their respective teams last night. Basically, the team offers a player arbitration to protect itself in case that player signs with another team. If so, the team gets compensatory draft picks in return. For more information about the specifics of arbitration and how it is handled, look it up yourself haha. It'd be nice if the Red Sox could sign another big bat. There are many media reports saying that the Sox are interested in Mark Texeira, but I have no idea where he'd play. Youkilis is at first base already and reports indicate that Mike Lowell is progressing nicely from his offseason hip surgery. But hey, I guess you can never have too much depth. Problem is, we're not gonna put people who have 8 figure contracts on the bench just for "depth". We'll see what happens here, maybe they trade Lowell, I don't know.

Finally, according to the current poll results, it looks like I'll be writing my next topic of the week regarding "Pick up lines real vs. fake". There's still 1 day left to vote. Remember, your vote counts here!

I Love Cats!

Considering my writing is pretty crappy (literally and figuratively), I'm sure all of you have been anticipating our featured Guest Author, who happens to be one of the funniest people I know. I think my work pales in comparison to what I just received, so hopefully this person can create their own blog and/or continue to contribute to my blog regularly. This is some good ass shit. Without edits, here it is...

When Mr. Potato Head approached to be a guest author on his little blog, I was very excited. One, I get to try this “blogging” thing that the kids are so crazy about on the Intraweb; two, it gives me an outlet for my inappropriate thoughts; and three, I can do my share in this tough economic climate by helping the tax base of Massachusetts recoup some of Mr. Potato Head’s state sponsored time so he can do some work for the Commonwealth instead of blogging about defecation.

I then asked him about a topic that I could write about. Bam! We swung right for the fence; no little rants about how the idiots buying scratch tickets hold up the line at the local 7-11, or deep thoughts on how far our country has come in electing the first minority president. Nope – we go right off the high dive platform of the inappropriate pool with a little essay about Hairy pussies versus the Landing Strip versus the Bald Eagle.

(None of these pussies were harmed during creation of this blog entry)

Mr. Potato Head, without prompting, offered me the option of posting this article anonymously. I liked this and took him up on his offer as it will lessen the chance of Ted Kennedy bringing this up in our Senatorial election debate in 2012. Also, in today’s PC climate, where a bush league clown like Sean Avery can get away with his on-ice shenanigans (and continue to pull high quality trim at that) but get suspended over words; one can't be too careful.

When thinking about the layout of this article, I very much would've liked to have followed the format of the Boobies post, but this proved to be difficult. All three categories of the pubic grooming (or lack thereof) styles are special and excellent in their own way; in my opinion, they are very much like Arnold Schwarzenegger movies – they are full of life lessons and can teach us about the World and about ourselves (BTW, I do not acknowledge the existence of the movie Junior).

Without further ado, let us get to the topic at hand:

Hairy Pussy Vs. the Landing Strip Vs. the Bald Eagle

The Hairy Pussy

Pros:

They are natural, wild, and low maintenance. This tells me that the girl is comfortable with who she is, and lessens the chance of having to answer the question “Do you think I'm fat?” To be honest, most girls who don't shave are not that hairy anyways; and for those who have the forest, most guys will still hit it. Sure it conjures up the image of Chewbacca, howling hopelessly as the gates of the west entrance of the Hoth rebel base close for the night as Luke and Han are trapped outside with the temperature rapidly dropping. But beneath that carpet lays the same happy spot and euphoric feeling one felt when Rogue Two uttered the elated words “Echo Base, this is Rogue two. I found them, Repeat, I found them.”

Cons:

When you are really hairy, you lend yourself to be the victim of cruel sophomoric nicknames like “wookiee crotch”.

Susan, if you are reading this, come on, you have to admit it was funny hearing it at that keg party.

The Landing Strip

Pros:

The gold standard of adult entertainment. If she has a luxury car brand as a first name, chances are she has a landing strip.

I like order, I like a sense of direction; I like the symmetry of it.

The landing strip shows that a girl is willing to put in the effort and time for personal grooming – even though sometimes the rest of the package is lacking. Hey, sometimes the team may suck, but it’s nice to be the visitor on a well groomed field.

Cons:

It is too common; it gets old quick when you see it every time you open a browser or visit a club. Or it could just be me and the places I visit; but usually my attention is quickly drawn away by a pair of 34 D fake breasts.

The Bald Eagle

Pros:

The girl is a super freak, yes, the kind you don't take home to mother. There is a good possibility that she'll agree to the suggestion of girl on girl action with the Brazilian twins you met at the ball game. Or she may just be twelve years old.

Cons:

The girl might be hiding something; crabs perhaps? There is also a good chance that she may be referred to as “sloppy seconds” by someone on a pre-game interview.

Also, it really sucks waiting in the car outside of the middle school for her to get out of class. It's both awkward and time consuming.

(Britney, the bald eagle is when you shave downstairs, not the HEAD!!!!)

So there we have it! The first guest entry (hopefully not the last). I want to say thank you to our anonymous blogger. For the record, I would prefer my women groomed in this order:

1. Bald eagle
2. Landing strip
3. Hairy pussy

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

TGIF

I am very excited to announce that we will be having a guest author post a blog entry later today. I will not spoil the suspense by announcing what the topic will be, so you're just going to have to wait for it to be posted. If I didn't mention it already, I am more than happy to post content from guest authors, so if you would like to write something that you want featured on this blog, please email me and I will post it completely unedited and anonymous (if you so choose).

In other news:

• The Patriots just resigned Roosevelt Colvin and are on the verge of resigning Junior Seau. This is either a genius idea to keep those bodies fresh so they can help us in the stretch run OR this is an act of desperation. I guess we shall see...
• The perfect Christmas gift for basketball aficionados.
• Let's just forget the regular season and have the Celtics and Lakers play for the championship RIGHT NOW.
• The Bruins are making a run at joining the 21st Century Boston championship tradition. They keep finding a way to win. This team is tough, gritty, and full of confidence. Milan Lucic is my hero, watch this clip. By the way, my hometown of Stoneham might become the new Bruins practice facility!
• Big things could be happening soon for the Red Sox as the winter meetings are set to begin. Follow their news on the Red Sox blog.

And finally, there is a new Pro At Cooking video that was released a couple of weeks ago. This guy refuses to disappoint me:





Please stay posted for our guest author!

Quick update

It looks like there's still 5 days left to vote on the current poll and we've already had 10 responses. This is great. Keep it up. Whatever wins will be what I write about next week (no shit, right?)

Last night I was thinking of doing a running diary (a la the Sports Guy) while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Basically, a running diary is when you watch an event (live or on TV) and write your thoughts and comments as to what is going on throughout the duration of said event (comments are marked with a time stamp to give the reader some context). I started to write it, but the only thing I kept writing was "Damn, this girl is smokin' hot" and "Yup, I'd do her", so in the end I decided to scrap it and just write a few comments:

• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• I want to be Usher
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• I want to propose that all girls wear the "Miracle Bra"
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Every girl was smokin' hot and I'd do each one of them
• Can somebody please shut off the fuckin headset audio? It's so damn annoying to hear that crap while I'm trying to focus on T&A.

All things considered, this may have been the greatest hour of my life. There's a chance that my hand may have went down my pants once or twice during the show. Hey, if it didn't happen then people would be questioning my sexuality. Just sayin'...

So back to that running diary idea. As you all know, I have a shitting problem. This becomes an issue when I go to places/events in which I cannot access "acceptable facilities" for more than a couple hours (ie. golfing, professional sports events, concerts, bars, basically everywhere other than home or work). My roommate Jon told me that a bunch of his friends take anti-diarrhea medicine before tailgating for football games and it supposedly works like a charm. So what I'm going to do is try out this anti-diarrhea medicine and do a running diary as to how I feel, if it stops me from shitting, and other results (as experienced).



This running diary may even happen this weekend. Not sure yet. I'll keep you all posted...

Today's move of the day

I just took a dump in the bathroom of Pho Hoa.

The women's bathroom...

80085

First of all, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. I ate so much food that I gained 5 pounds since last week, which makes me look more disgusting than I already did. Contrary to initial hopes and aspirations, I did not stuff any ladies like Thanksgiving turkeys. I did, however, manage to drink myself silly Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night, so naturally, I now have a cold.

Thanks to everyone for voting in the latest poll. According to popular demand, it looks like I'll be blogging a couple of times per week. However, I am concerned that the result of my poll was almost "Your blog sucks. I hope you die." Actually, I'm not that concerned. I did create that answer as an option so it only makes sense that people would click on it. But for some reason, if you really do hate my blog and wish that I would die, then let me know so I can increase my blogging to "daily".

Work has been pretty hectic lately. I've been working on this project to integrate web content from about 16 different state agencies into one website. The long and short of it is that it's a pain in the ass. Good thing I have a team of people who are really good at what they do, so it's making this project much less of a burden than it could've been. But there's no denying that it sucks. Either way, it has seriously been affecting the amount of time I have to post entries. I know this makes you all sad (well, other than the people who want me dead haha), but don't worry, I will make time to blog at least twice a week from now on. Last week was a one post week due to the Holiday circumstances. Watch out, if I get crazy, this could be a three post week!

In light of paragraph 1, I took it upon myself to go to the gym today after work. As I mentioned before, I have a membership at Boston Sports Clubs (BSC), one of which is located down the street from my office. So I walked in, did a quick full body workout, showered and started to head out. I walk over to the staircase (which is pretty narrow) and see that this girl is coming down the stairs. Instead of walking up the stairs and making it a tight situation, I step away from the staircase to let her make it to the bottom before I start going up. She acknowledges my gentleman gesture with a "thank you" head nod. I started to smile, which quickly turned into a look of concern as she tripped over her feet and fell down the stairs. Fortunately for her, she only fell down about 4 steps. Unfortunately for her, it was in front of about 20 people, and I had a front row seat of her basically flipping over. She was okay though. I helped her up and she was on her way. For the record, CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD. But it definitely is hurting haha.

I'm sure many, if not all, of you are wondering why the hell I titled this entry "80085". If you were wondering whether or not I was referring to a zip code, well you are wrong. If you think that's how much I weigh, wrong again. And if you think that's how much my salary is, then you're an idiot and you are wrong once more. "80085" is the only way you can type "BOOBS" into a calculator. Hey, I was bored as a young kid. This is what I learned in math class. I also learned the term "1 sixteen year old doing a 69 three times (11669 x 3) equals 35007. Well, if you flip the calculator upside down, it gives you the answer: LOOSE. Yes, this is my life.

So this brings us to today's topic...

Real boobs vs. fake boobs vs. small boobs vs. big boobs

Just as an FYI, for some reason I didn't even come up with this topic idea. I wish I did, but I have to give credit to my buddy Ashley for thinking this one up. Thank you Ashley.

Let's see. I don't really know where to begin here. I guess I'd like to say that (like everything else) this is just my opinion on the chest situation and everyone else is entitled to their own opinion and preference.

Actually, let's get this out of the way. I am an ASS guy. There is nothing finer to me than a perfectly sculpted rear end. Unlike boobs, most girls have to work hard to get a nice rear end. With boobs, girls have this option of something called "implants" which is kind of like cheating. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy boobs as well, but let's be clear here. It's my duty to please the booty.

For those who prefer boobs, here's your motto: What I like best is a nice full chest.

Okay, here is my unbiased account of the different types of boobs via a pro/con analysis and concluding thoughts:

Real Boobs

Pros: they are natural, they can be big or small (life is like a set of real boobs, you never know what you're gonna get!), they are usually proportional to a woman's body, and I'm assuming they are safer for breastfeeding

Cons: sometimes they can be too big (causing back problems), sometimes they can be too small (chest flatter than a guy's), and they can be deformed of just flabby (which might be a larger concern: fat and out of shape people)

Fake Boobs

Pros: they are bigger than real boobs (it's impossible to have fake boobs that are smaller than real boobs. making your boobs smaller would be called a breast reduction, which doesn't incorporate fake parts), they can be shaped perfectly to account for any deformities or lack of symmetry, they make life better for everyone (by everyone, i mean "GUYS), it's a good way for a women to move up the corporate ladder, and who doesn't like cleavage? (this kinda plays to the "make life better for everyone" position)

Cons: read this (NSFW) <---- that means "Not Safe For Work"

Small Boobs (aka Asian Boobs)

Pros: no back problems, nothing bouncing in your way as you go about your daily activities, some guys like small boobs (possibly because they can't score a chick with big boobs. this is debateable), they keep the attention on your face ladies

Cons: most guys don't like small boobs (well, not necessarily. if they had the choice between small boobs vs. bigger boobs, they'd take the bigger ones. but if it wasn't an option, they'd settle for the small boobs if the girl had a good "personality"), small boobs may make you look like a guy (although you probably need a butch haircut to go with that), a nice rack seems like it could be fun to play with

Big Boobs (aka Non-Asian Boobs)

Pros: there's nothing like a good handful, they help a girl fill out a tight shirt correctly, they probably don't produce more breast milk than smaller boobs but they sure seem like they could (see term: JUGS), an ugly girl (facewise) could then become more socially acceptable, i can use them as pillows, and there's this term that people like to use: tittyfuck

Cons: back problems if they are too big, anything bigger than D cup might look kinda ridiculous, I don't want to get smacked in the face and knocked out (for the record, I don't mind getting smacked in the face by them, as long as I don't get knocked out)

So here are the possible combinations of boobs:

• small, real boobs (probably not the best case scenario for a woman)


• small, fake boobs (must be larger than before the implants, but can still be small I guess)


• big, real boobs


• big, fake boobs

Even though I stated earlier that I'm an ass guy, I still enjoy a nice set of knockers. So I guess at the end of the day, I prefer bigger boobs to smaller boobs. It doesn't matter if they are real or fake. What is of real importance to me is the woman's body type. I don't like girls who are skeleton thin and I don't like girls who are fat. Everything in between is within my realm of possibilities. My perfect girl is a girl who's got a nice toned body, phenomenal ass, a decent set of 80085, and a pretty face. Come to think of it, I think that's what every guy would say their perfect girl would be.




Here is my conclusion: Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. Some prefer big, some prefer small. Some prefer real, some prefer fake. What matters here is that boobs do not make this world go round. Vagina does.

Please take the real breast vs. fake breast test (NSFW!)when you have time. I got 10 right and 10 wrong, which gives me an even 50% accuracy. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Please let me know how you scored. Also, please let me know if you have any pros/cons to add to the boob analysis. Thank you.

Sorry for the delay

There will be a new post tonight everybody. Stay tuned...